Sleep disturbance

[needfixing]

I am feeling hurt and saddened lately. I feel uncomfortable in my own home.  I feel anxious. As I become more aware, I become more humble. I acknowledge and I do not excuse any of my behaviors that I have discovered were caused by me and need to be controlled by me. I feel a struggle for my attention, time and energy when turning my attention, time and energy toward myself.  It is most difficult, impossible for me to ignore resistance to my boundaries. Even with what I know so far I am still in a, how could you place, when facing the constant resistance. I feel anxious from the relentless, escalating boundary resistance tactics and the fearful feeling that my attention is being pulled from me by any means necessary. I am learning my expectations will not be met nor my vision of how things should be. I must equip myself to successfully deal with what is. I experienced  something that I felt was especially demeaning, more than once. It is as though my attempting to take care of myself is not allowable. For every one thing done, I must do ten or more, which I feel are unappreciated and taken for granted. My entire life has been one big make amends and do everything to be found worthy.

[Whiteheron]

I can completely relate to how you feel and I want to tell you it's completely normal to feel this way as you come Out of the FOG.
The stronger I tried to become and the more I aware of what was going on, the more defiant and assertive he became. Any attempts at self care were undermined or outright sabotaged. He would manufacture crises to hold my attention and keep me distracted from what was really going on. He thought I'd be too busy putting out his fires to notice. Journaling helped. A lot. And I'm saying this as someone who has been anti-journal my entire life. Getting it out of my head and onto paper seemed to help me. Going back and rereading some of my entries (they were more like factual accounts of what happened with my reaction and the reaction of the kids noted at the end), I can't believe what I put up with. Hang in there and know you're not alone.