Why am I still surprised, or, seriously?

[Psuedonym]

One thing that annoys me about myself is when I'm still surprised by the same behavior from uBPDm. The last time BF talked to her she was trying to convince him that I had always been emotionally unstable, had lied about half the things I said in a letter to her, that instances of her horrible behavior was actually a list of things I'd done to her, and that she had nothing to apologize for. Today she called and left him a message saying she didn't feel well and would I come visit her?

Uh, no, no I will not. I know I should be past being surprised by the 'hey I've been trying to turn your own BF against you by telling him every horrible thing I can think of, lying, and accusing you of being crazy, but I don't understand why you aren't talking to me' act, but really, what the actual $#@%?

Sheesh. 

[Sneezy]

One thing that annoys me about myself is when I'm still surprised by the same behavior from uBPDm.

Don't be annoyed at yourself.  You mother's behavior IS surprising.  It's not natural for a mother to treat her daughter the way your mother treats you.  And every time it happens, it will continue to surprise you, because it is so unnatural and unexpected.

My mom and I do have pleasant times together.  She can go for brief, and sometimes longer, periods of time where everything seems pretty normal.  And then WHAM - the lying, raging, craziness, etc. starts up again and it becomes abundantly clear that things are not normal.  And I am taken by surprise every single time.  And every time it happens, I think to myself "well, it can't get any worse than this."  And guess what - it can!  The surprises just keep on coming.

I look at it this way.  If our mothers showed their true PD colors once or twice and we realized this is how it would always be, and we all took healthy and appropriate actions from that point on, well then we wouldn't all be out here on this forum supporting each other.  (And I suspect a lot of counselors would be making a lot less). 

[Psuedonym]

Sneezy, thank you so much for your reply. The whole thing was wonderfully helpful and mad made me feel so much better.

[WomanInterrupted]

I used to be constantly surprised - unpleasantly - by unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray.

I'd rhetorically ask DH, the cats, or myself, "How can she NOT know how crazy this all is?  That this is NOT how you treat another person!?  Why the hell does she think she's just going to skate and everything is gonna be just FINE - when it isn't!?  Why the hell does she think that's going to work!?"

Well, because it did in the past, but now I was wise to it, and ALL the stops were being pulled.

When they start pulling out all the stops - like your mom is doing - that's when you really see how disordered and mentally ill they are.  It happened with Didi, when she kept upping the ante, thinking it would get her that coveted hospital bed in our living room, and it happened with Ray, once he had nobody to argue with, after Didi died.

He was determined to FORCE me to argue with him, but it didn't work, so that's when his "health issues" started coming up.

He learned it from Didi and figured if I came over because of his "health" he'd have more chances to try to bait me.   

I went VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVLC instead - and started deleting messages that said, "I have to ask you something - call me back."   

BTW - that's one of my biggest pet peeves.  That's what the machine was FOR!   

You're never going to control her - but you can control *yourselves* and how you respond to this continued onslaught.   

What I'd suggest your boyfriend do is check her messages once a week *only* - and either delete them or get her the information she needs, preferably by snail mail.   

However, if she starts abusing his VM, I'd suggest he *block* her - and call the Social Worker at the facility to tell her your mother has lost ALL access to you and your BF, due to her continued bad behavior, and will have to rely on the facility for her needs.

Those are the folks I'd tell - and warn, at the same time - because this isn't going to go over well.   

They can step up - and you and your boyfriend can step OUT of the picture.   

[Sneezy]

and started deleting messages that said, "I have to ask you something - call me back."   

That is very good advice - I have been screening my Mom's calls for a while, letting them go to voicemail.  But I have always called her back sometime that same day.  I was afraid not to.  Lately, I've tried ignoring the "I have to ask you something" calls and have been pleasantly surprised to find out that the world doesn't fall apart if I don't call her back.  I think Mom may be calling a lot of people, leaving these kinds of messages, and she may not even notice who returns her calls.  It appears this is just one more fishing expedition for attention.

I'd rhetorically ask DH, the cats, or myself

Also, thank goodness for supportive boyfriends, partners, husbands, and cats - I have been alternating between "how can she not know this behavior is wrong" and "did I imagine it?"  It is very helpful to have someone reaffirm that no, I didn't imagine it, and no, it's not right.

[Psuedonym]

Thank you both!!!

WomanInterrupted, you are wise as always. My BF does send all her calls to VM and for him its no big deal to wait days to call her back; which is great because I'd be having an anxiety attack doing the same thing. He's a great reality check for me in that his opinion is 'Whatever, she's an old lady. I ain't scared! However you are right that at some point we're most likely have to block her for our sanity. One of the messages she left was, "tell Pseudonym to call me because I have a couple of questions.' Ha!

This is so true, Sneezy: My mom and I do have pleasant times together.  She can go for brief, and sometimes longer, periods of time where everything seems pretty normal.  And then WHAM - the lying, raging, craziness, etc. starts up again and it becomes abundantly clear that things are not normal.  And I am taken by surprise every single time.  And every time it happens, I think to myself "well, it can't get any worse than this."  And guess what - it can!  The surprises just keep on coming.

Mine is exactly the same way, she can act like a normal person for periods of time. I think that's what makes the cognitive dissonance so bad; her commitment to her delusional version of reality is so much deeper than I thought before all this happened. The fact that she will try to turn my BF against me by saying horrible things and then the next day ask when I'm coming over because she doesn't feel well  is  .  The desperate, helpless victim act vs. the 'I will go to my grave before I apologize or admit I ever did anything wrong' is another head spinner.  Friends have asked if she might have dementia and I have to tell them  this is just her mentality.

WI, you are so right that she does it because it worked in the past. She pushed my dad around and made him miserable for 60+ years. I think she can't quite comprehend that that isn't working anymore. I'm helping a friend move today and I was just thinking how foreign the idea of someone 'owing you' for doing something nice for them is to me. You do something nice for somebody because you care about them. Period. Expecting something in return is so Machiavellian, but I guess that's part of the PD handbook.