The Dreaded Mothers' Day

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Twinkletoes88

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The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« on: February 05, 2019, 11:28:27 AM »
I know this post is repeated every year.. but.. I've just been to a card shop to get some birthday cards for relatives and was not prepared for the huge display of Mothers' day cards and gifts.  Eugh. It actually turned my stomach.  Last year I hadn't spoken with my NPDmother for 4/5 months so I just ignored the day and didn't feel terribly bad about it. This year however we are technically "on speaking terms" - not that we do much of that (my choice). 

So how do you navigate MD when low or very low contact? I know the obvious things like send a card etc but given her and my sister are actually still "close" (read enmeshed), my sister is likely to book something for her and invite me along.  In the past this has been a lunch or something similar but husbands have all been invited, my mother and her husband, my nan and grandad, me and my now husband etc.... but again, this year that won't be the same because me and my stepfather have not spoken in over a year and my mother does not acknowledge my husband and he hates her...

I'm tempted to book a break away just so I have a good excuse of being on holiday so I can't make anything LOL.

What I know is this... my mother and I are not close, we have barely any relationship whatsoever . She does not FEEL like my mother.  She ignores my husband and stepchildren's existence.  I do not want to make a fuss of her on Mothers' Day ever but even more so this year after her behavior at my wedding last year.  Equally I will be under pressure from my sister, possibly my Nan etc because "it's Mothers Day!!" - so I am just wondering how to navigate this really....

Any ideas?  What are other people doing?

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coyote

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2019, 11:33:37 AM »
You may or may not want to hear from me since I have less tolerance for BS from family these days. But my stance is "No" is a sentence in and of itself. As in, "Will you be there?" "No", "Will you talk about it?" "No",
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius

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Twinkletoes88

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2019, 12:03:03 PM »
You may or may not want to hear from me since I have less tolerance for BS from family these days. But my stance is "No" is a sentence in and of itself. As in, "Will you be there?" "No", "Will you talk about it?" "No",

Well I love your ability to be that strong!!!  :)

To be fair, it is hard to respond to that isn't it? perhaps that is the way forward haha.


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RavenLady

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2019, 01:18:24 PM »
coyote, thank you for putting a smile on my face.  :)
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

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moglow

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2019, 01:37:16 PM »
Mothers day. Sigh. Always a thorn in my side, even buying a card is a crap shoot.

Whatever other people's expectations may be, it's still not a command performance. Your sister may plan whatever she likes, and you always have the option to decline, same as with anyone else. If YOU want  to have lunch or something with your mother, that's between you and her. No one else need be included if you choose.

I'd suggest you and your husband plan a special weekend away together...
ďNothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.Ē  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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JustKathy

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2019, 05:08:57 PM »
I may be an exception, but even when I was in contact with my nMother I never sent her a Mother's Day card. I rarely visited either. Even when I was still trying to get along with her and keep the peace, I just couldn't do the Mother's Day thing. I think it may have been my one little act of rebellion, letting her know that I didn't consider her a mother who was worthy of a Hallmark moment.

I do truly love Coyote's response and am nodding my head in agreement. If you don't even feel like she's your mother (I didn't either), why put yourself through it? Do what is best for YOU, and if that means saying no, then NO. When I used to blow off Mother's Day I always dreaded the fallout, but the rest of the FOO never said anything, at least not to my face. I'm sure I was smeared in private, but pfffft ... whatever, didn't care. My GC sister always spoiled Nmother rotten for Mother's Day, so she got the attention she wanted from somebody. It just wasn't me.

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Sidney7

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2019, 08:00:52 PM »
Mothers Day is in May here and I am already dreading it and its only February!

Last year I called my NMum and my Son left a message for her (she didn't answer), I thought she would call back after that.  I tried again in the afternoon, again no answer!  So I spent the whole day upset and worried...

Still not talking to me a week later she was all shirty that I didn't make any effort on Mothers Day!  Oh ok!, you just refused to talk to me after I tried to call you twice!  Ruined my day -

I hate Mothers Day...

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Pepin

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2019, 08:33:42 PM »
I also cannot stand Mother's Day since traditionally I have had to share it with PDmil.   Don't get me wrong -- we are both mothers...but why can't I be celebrated without standing in her shadow?  Personally I think Mother's Day is a horrible holiday.  I have also been motherless from a very young age so there is that...I honestly don't believe I will have a Mother's Day to myself to spend with DH and our kids until PDmil is gone -- and I will for sure be an empty nester at that point.  Who knows where my kids will be at? 
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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daughterofbpd

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2019, 03:57:01 AM »
How about just saying DH and the kids have plans for you that day and let yourself be celebrated for once? You could send a non-sentimental card and be done with it. Iíll do something with my M the day before but Iím not spending Motherís Day with my parents again. Last year, we had to follow my M around doing whatever she wanted with no one really acknowledging that it was supposed to be my day too.
ďHow starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your egoĒ
~ Amanda Torroni

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Twinkletoes88

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2019, 06:36:55 AM »
How about just saying DH and the kids have plans for you that day and let yourself be celebrated for once? You could send a non-sentimental card and be done with it. Iíll do something with my M the day before but Iím not spending Motherís Day with my parents again. Last year, we had to follow my M around doing whatever she wanted with no one really acknowledging that it was supposed to be my day too.

I would absolutely try this but unfortunately the children are my step-children and so spend the day with their own mother. We donít have children together (going through fertility treatment at present). You should absolutely be celebrated by your children though! X

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2019, 01:35:28 PM »
Many years ago I started taking my uPDmother out for lunch on Saturday before Mother's Day and then I had actual MD for me and my family. It worked out well. I do this for her birthday too. She used to expect coming to my house for the full birthday meal and cake. My dh and kids put up with this crap for years.

Finally I played it like--Let's go out to celebrate (birthday, MD), no cooking, no cleaning, just lunch for us girls!!  :evil2: No husbands!!,  :yes: no children!!  :bigwink:
This is still happening and it saves my family and uPDm's husband from having to cater to her for hours and hours. I suck it up to prevent a lot of family BS from happening. These lunches are getting shorter and shorter too. I'm not as interesting because I don't get involved in her prolonged gossip sessions.

« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 02:06:57 PM by SunnyMeadow »

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daughterofbpd

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #11 on: February 11, 2019, 03:39:24 PM »
How about just saying DH and the kids have plans for you that day and let yourself be celebrated for once? You could send a non-sentimental card and be done with it. Iíll do something with my M the day before but Iím not spending Motherís Day with my parents again. Last year, we had to follow my M around doing whatever she wanted with no one really acknowledging that it was supposed to be my day too.

I would absolutely try this but unfortunately the children are my step-children and so spend the day with their own mother. We donít have children together (going through fertility treatment at present). You should absolutely be celebrated by your children though! X

I almost wrote something about the step parent situation. Iím sure you are still a mother figure to them and still an important part of their lives while they are with you. You still deserve to be celebrated. 😉 I understand why they go to their bio motherís house though and the trickiness of the situation. I still say you should do something fun to celebrate yourself - esp considering the fertility treatments. Iím sure that is difficult & stressful at times. You certainly deserve some self love. Take care.
ďHow starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your egoĒ
~ Amanda Torroni

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Fiasco

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #12 on: February 11, 2019, 04:59:12 PM »
Agree with daughter of bpd! Your husband should be celebrating you on motherís day because youíre helping mother his children. Thereís more to being a mother than giving birth! ❤️

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Yael924

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2019, 03:12:22 PM »
Twinkletoes -- just wondering, why do you need to disclose the itinerary of the kids to your sister? You could just say, "We're trying something different this year." If you want to do the innocuous.

Or maybe you can pull the pin and say "I'm not going because I'm tired of pretending." You can do and say what you choose.

You get a voice in this --- even if just the thought turns your belly to jelly.  :tongue2:

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Twinkletoes88

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Re: The Dreaded Mothers' Day
« Reply #14 on: February 18, 2019, 12:18:17 PM »
Twinkletoes -- just wondering, why do you need to disclose the itinerary of the kids to your sister? You could just say, "We're trying something different this year." If you want to do the innocuous.

Or maybe you can pull the pin and say "I'm not going because I'm tired of pretending." You can do and say what you choose.

You get a voice in this --- even if just the thought turns your belly to jelly.  :tongue2:

Youíre right (of course) but itís not so much that I would share the itinerary as she will just know it... but I know what youíre saying.

I saw my sister yesterday and nearly said to her please donít ask me to come but I didnít want to argue so I just left it.

I know I have a day in it, i suppose.... it just doesnít FEEL like that.  Right now, today Iím thinking maybe I can stop making such a big deal out of Mday and see her if that happens (not with her husband though) without it being a huge lie to myself and how I feel .... I canít work out if thatís a good way of thinking or me being in denial haha!