What does “being good enough” mean?

practical · February 05, 2019, 09:41:01 AM

Most of us know the feeling of "not being good enough" for the PDparent or PDpartner and in many of us it has caused havoc with our self-worth, leaving us with a deep feeling of not being good enough per se, whatever we do, whatever the circumstances, not good enough for ourselves or others. But have you ever stopped and asked yourself what "being good enough" actually means to you? Not to somebody else but to you and only you!

After another episode where because of F neither adult-me nor child-me felt good enough, I actually realized while journaling that I had never thought about what "being good enough" means to me, how I would explain it, define it. "Not good enough" is a grey, leaden cloud inside of me, but what would "being good enough" feel like, be like? If I want to feel "I'm good enough" - just for myself - I have to know what it means for me:

I do my best, I enjoy it (or at least try to), stay flexible and open. I might also fight through frustration, not give up, but at the same time figure out what is reasonable to expect of me, of my abilities, of my frame of mind (what comes easy one day might not be reachable another day). I'm able to laugh at myself, give myself a break, but also to cheer myself on, pat myself on the back.

Perfection, -and I'm not a perfectionist except when necessary -, isn't another word for good.

Any thought starting with "X wouldn't like it, because ...", "X would tell you to do it such and such a way", "X would disapprove, because..." ... isn't mine, has nothing to do with whether I'm good enough or not, those thoughts aren't my circus or my monkeys.

These are my thoughts, my aspirations, I'm not always there.

What are your thoughts for yourself?

D.Dan · February 05, 2019, 09:59:13 AM

My uPD mom didn't use the words "good enough" but "perfect". That I was supposed to be perfect, why couldn't I be perfect like everyone else, that I wasn't perfect, I should be trying to be perfect.

When I was in my 20s, I realized that nobody was perfect because there was too much variety between everyone in the world. "Perfect" no longer exists for me.

Now... "I am me."

I can't be perfect BUT I can be the best me I wanna be.

SonofThunder · February 05, 2019, 10:28:51 AM

Hello Practical,

You wrote: "Not good enough" is a grey, leaden cloud inside of me, but what would "being good enough" feel like, be like? If I want to feel "I'm good enough" - just for myself - I have to know what it means for me".

Do you have kids? Do you have a pet? May I ask you to define, as a parent and/or pet owner, what 'good enough' means to you with regard to them? Would you die in their place if you could? Are they good enough that you would be willing to swap your life to save theirs?

Also, If you were in their shoes, how would they define what is 'good enough' for their mom?

Me personally, I have to know myself and love who I am, as I am. I'm also a man of faith and I won't turn this into a religious conversation. But simply said, in my beliefs as a Christian, I am 'good enough' to have been tortured and died for...as I am. So I'm good. I do care that I try to be the best that I can be (toward myself, others and other things), with what circumstances I'm given. I do that for me and my creator (because imho, he made everything else also) not for the opinion of other humans.

Do I like others to think highly of me? Sure! Yes, it's great to be though highly of, but i don't do my best for them; I do it for me, and I do it for those I represent. Since I know the real me; since I know my kids for who they really are; since I know my pet that well; I don't realky care what anyone else's opinion is if it's different than mine, because I know myself and them better than any other human.

SoT

Summer Sun · February 05, 2019, 10:45:29 AM

Never feeling good enough, snarky criticisms, neglect, combined with uPD's blatant favouritism - a child can not understand. I tried harder. Pleaser. Good girl. Quiet. No trouble. Respectful. Perfectionist Survivor traits - and so codependency was birthed. I never did receive love or comfort, needs were never met, and I gave, gave, gave, always trying to earn love which was always withheld.

I am good enough, to me now, means I was always good enough to have been loved - it's just that the uPD's could not love me in their own chaos and unwellness. I am not deeply flawed, only deeply wounded and scarred. I am human and will never be perfect, I have my share of shortcomings and also sprinklings of positive traits.

I took a course once which helped understand who I am. I still refer to it when triggered, when PD's warped version of me and control tactics bring me to crazy-making confusion. The part I refer to is what I have identified within myself as positive traits. I am: kind, gentle, charitable, warm, caring, reliable, sensitive, giving, intelligent, patient, hard working, respectful, peacemaker, harmonious, hospitable, dependable, creative etc.

This is who I am, my innate approach to others is warmth, love. My learned behaviour adjusts to those I know. I withhold now with those who are UPD and untrustworthy with my heart. I need to protect my heart for it is the wellspring of life. I read an article recently about what PD's take from us. And therein I discovered the depth of my grief and despair. They take time, energy, resources, etc of course, but the crux is, they take your heart. It's been a piece here to that PD, a huge chunk to another, and a chip, chip, chip, chip away from UPD parents. No wonder I felt so empty. I'd allowed my heart to be eaten.

I have not been pleased with myself in past with some behavioral traits and coping mechanisms. I still struggle with correcting behaviors that no longer serve me. This means I am not perfect, I also know I never will be. But I am good enough, I love others as best I can, my positive traits are greater than my shortcomings IMHO. Striving to heal, grow, recover is a journey, it's fluid. I imperfectly grow, mature, recover, heal, always good enough, while striving for better. I strive for better for me. For my HP.

Summer Sun

1footouttadefog · February 05, 2019, 11:04:24 AM

For me good enough is being the best me I can be.

The hard part for me in figuring out what "good enough is" , was taking time to find out who I am.

I jumped on a roller coaster ride when I married my PDH. I held on for decades and was reacting, responding and surviving, but not growing and maturing and becoming. I got off the ride for the most part and realized I was in the same place I was when I was 18, but I was not 18 anymore.

I had to take time to, while Out of the FOG, and while emotionally disconnected from the pdh, find out who I am and where I am in life, and where I want to go, do and become..

Only then could "good enough" make any logical sense, without this process having taken place, I would be figuring out a stranger who was once was but was no more.

I think one realization that was especially freeing and healing was that good enough did not have to start with the expectations and goals that I and others had set for me at 18-19 years old. I was not that person and I hit the reset button and formed new goals and set the bars for who I am now. I have new hobbies and interests, different friends, church, different career goals, and travel plans than then.

Maybe I was abnormal in this regard, but while I was caught up in the foggy ride, I had a sense of guilt about and felt a obligation to complete things that had been sidetracked while I was in survival mode. These of course added up over time and contributed to not feeling good enough.

1footouttadefog · February 05, 2019, 11:48:07 AM

Regarding letting our heart being chipped away, I can relate a bit.

I did eventually find it possible to divide various aspects of love and connection and disconnect from the pdh in my life to various extents and thereby freed my heart.

I found it had not been taken but rather imprisoned. I had a part of allowing this to continue or not. I chose in each case to take back various aspects of caring etc in each relationship. This is actually a continuing process.

With my pdh for example, I no longer looking to him emotionally for many things I once did. This disconnect has freed my heart so to speak. I no longer expect to meet certain needs he has proved over and over not to be able to or to be unwilling to meet.

I am no longer longing to have these needs met by him and my heart is free in this regard. He no longer has the power to hurt me by denying these needs, and I no longer seek out him to meet them. I am free.

I have other people and friends etc from who I get validation day in and out for example, my heart is free from bandage and hurt in this regard.

Re-establish in all relationships that cause hurt is a good starting point for reclaiming your heart.

coyote · February 05, 2019, 01:29:20 PM

For me the phrase "good enough" only has meaning in the context of "The Four Agreements." The agreement I mean is "Do your Best". My best will be different on a day to day basis almost. It will depend if I got good sleep, if I am ill, or several other variables. No matter, I just try to do my best everyday.

RavenLady · February 05, 2019, 01:33:17 PM

These posts are really beautiful. Y'all inspire and challenge me!

What I'm aiming for right now is to stay true to my core. To stay centered. This has NOT been my strong suit AT ALL and when I was sickest with chronic illness was completely unavailable to me.

The first mindfulness practice I was able to integrate into my life was to notice when I am holding tension in my lower abdomen, and then to notice where else in my body I hold it. Then to use belly breathing to relax that tension where I can. Sometimes I can't, but as I heal I can more and more.

I've noticed over time that when I am in flight/performance/perfection/inner critic mode is when I am the most tense there. So I'm trying to listen to and check in with my body very frequently, especially when I feel myself starting to get upset, and release all of that whenever I can. And when I can, I can settle into being a human being, rather than a human doing. That seems to solve a lot of my problems and dissolves many of the fleas and poor coping strategies I have adopted over the years. The woman who emerges is the woman who is good enough to be me.

practical · February 06, 2019, 11:39:28 AM

There is so much in all of your responses, I'm richer thanks to them. Each of us has their individual path, I cherish learning from each other here.

Pepin · February 06, 2019, 11:56:47 AM

For me, being good enough is something that I have struggled with for a long time -- having come from a dysfunctional family and having married into one. I look around me often for examples and support. Overwhelmingly though I have noticed that if I place someone else in my shoes, they would likely realize that they are indeed good enough and close down the nonsense that I deal with immediately. That being said, they could only do that without having had the history that I have had.

One of the most difficult things for me to overcome is proving that I am good enough. It is easy to find the validation of not being good enough when it is constantly surrounding you. I grew up with hearing all the things that many PD parents spew at their children and also now having to endure sadly not being good enough as a DIL for PDmil's GC son -- the two biggest offenders being that I am the wrong color and I don't speak their native language. What PDmil fails to see is that I am good enough -- I am just different and an empath -- and I believe that I am a good wife and a good mother. There is no doubt in my mind that PDmil is jealous due to her past circumstances....the difference however is that with my generation I decided to end the cycle of abuse whereas with her she is keeping it going, even though we both come from abusive pasts.

I believe that if I was born onto this earth that I deserve to be here. I haven't gone out of my way to hurt anyone nor do I use anyone else as a stepping stone for personal gain. But I am tired of fending off those who believe I was born to be nothing other than a doormat. The older I get the more I understand how broken these people are and to remove them one by one from my life. Despite what I have been through, I am content at knowing that at least I can teach my children from an earlier age to understand that they are indeed good enough and to stay away from PDs.

athene1399 · February 07, 2019, 01:35:17 PM

For me, I gave up on trying to be "good enough" and instead focused on what I have accomplished. Instead of trying to measure myself up to some standard, I've focused on what I have accomplished. I see it as the "glass half full" approach.

Looking at the positives (what I have done) instead of the negatives (what I have not done). It's made a world of difference for me.