Co-parenting struggles - imagine that

[sonto92]

I have been posting some messages about my 15 y/o son.  he made the decision to move to his mom's last July, and things have spiraled down ever since.  Which were previously bad grades in school last year are now really bad grades for this school year.  I also had been chatting with my younger daughter and she proceeded to tell me about my son's new girlfriend.  The new girl is 18 years old, has a 5 month old daughter, and ... the baby's father is in prison for domestic abuse and has had a restraining order in place so he doesn't come around.  My daughter is 11 and I gave some of this the benefit of the doubt and whether or not all of the facts were straight. 

Fast forward a week later - I'm ice fishing with my 19 y/o son and i ask him if he has heard anything about son's new girlfriend.  He rolls his eyes and begins to tell me the same story that my younger daughter had said.  A couple of days later, my parents had attended a music concert for my daughter that i wasn't able to go to and my son (their grandson) shows up with GF and baby in tow and they slide into the seats that my BPDx had saved for them. 

My dad calls me later and is trying to find out from me if the baby belonged to my son (which I told him that the baby did not).  I make the decision to message my BPDx on OFW to ask the specifics about the new GF and share with her that this is a really bad idea - for many reasons.  BPDx tells me that I "have a lot of misinformation, gathered by indirect conversations with uninvolved parties".  I did not mention anything to her about the fact that this information was given to me by our children - I didn't want to get them involved.

What's so funny about all of this is the redirection by my BPDx - why not just answer the questions - YES/NO she (GF) is 18 and YES/NO he (baby's father) is in jail because he's an abuser.  I don't know where to even go from here, this is so friggin weird and dysfunctional.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Sonto,

I can't even imagine how stressful that is!!  Since you heard the story independently from both of your other children, I would imagine most of it is true, or someone has told both of them and untrue story for some reason, but it's what they have heard.  Can you ask your ex to provide the correct information if you have indeed been misinformed?

[sonto92]

Stepping Lightly - I was able to get the opportunity to do this last Thursday.  We had planned to use the last 10 minutes of our son's therapy session last to ask the therapist about recommendations for a new family therapist.  I told my BPDx that I was going to bring up the 18 y/o girlfriend when we were there several days before the session, and she told me that I can't do that - the therapy is not for me (I'm not sure what that means, but I wasn't really sold on that reason).  I asked the therapist about the recommendation and I did bring up the girlfriend while my BPDx, myself, and the therapist were present.  I told my BPDx that when I messaged her about it, her answer was really a non-answer.  She said that the girl was a "family friend" and not a girlfriend and I was able to get her to clarify that the girl was indeed 18 years old.   
The irony in all of this is that, 10 years prior, it was this same logic and line that she used to try and explain away the affair that she was having to the kids and the courts - that this guy is just a "family friend" - the guy just happens to be her current husband. 

[Whiteheron]

Sonto, I bring up anything and everything to both of my kids' therapists if I feel it's something that needs to be addressed. I think you did the right thing by bringing it up to your son's T. It sounds like he's getting in over his head, with a lot of help from his mom.

[Latchkey]

Good grief. Yes, this sounds like a crazy situation. If anything it might be time to have a talk with your S about restraining orders and dangerous exes and using birth control if he is getting involved with her. When my D was 15 (freshman) and dating an 18 yo (senior) I was nervous but he was a nice kid, athlete, got good grades.
Have you had a chance to talk to him about her?

It's very hard if not impossible to tell kids what you think of their GF, BF, or BFF's. I've had to keep my mouth shut many times. Add in a BPD mom and you are not going to get much of a united front because she probably is as worried as you are on one level and on another may be relieved if he is happy with the GF and not being as disruptive at her house.

Also the kids these days ( I sound old I know but where I live ...)  will say they are "talking" and not "dating" or BF/GF relationship at first. So if he says she is not his GF then she really may not be at this point and just someone fun to hang out with.

[Penny Lane]

Sonto, it sounds like you're handling a tough situation really well! I will say, as we all know, teenagers don't like to listen to their parents about dating even in the best of situations. So you're not just battling BM, you're battling that too. I really like Latchkey's suggestion to talk to him about birth control if you haven't already. And maybe healthy relationship patterns in general - I imagine he's not learning that from his mom and stepdad.

[Magnolia34]

I don't have any great advice other than to take a deep breath and remember how little control you have when dealing with BPD and/or teenagers. We're in a similar situation over here, not as stressful as the girlfriend, but we have an almost 18yo about to flunk out of school his senior year. He lived with his UPBD mom for 8 months and really it was like dealing with 2 teenagers. DH finally made peace with the fact that he was going to have to just "be there" for his son when he decided he needed him and hope he didn't make any mistakes that would have terrible consequences. It seems like BM's true colors are starting to show, at least to the oldest, as he's confided in DH more and more. It's VERY little consolation right now but you're doing the right things and your son will know who he can go to when he REALLY needs something.