Counseling

[sonto92]

I had mentioned on a previous thread about some of my issues with counseling and my 15 y/o son.  He's been pissed at me and has been staying at his mom's since the middle of July.   We were working with a family therapist (court ordered) and my BPDx has told the therapist that she is done working with her.  My son is getting individual counseling at a different clinic.  What started out as twice a month sessions had whittled down to once a month and lately it has been my BPDx cancelling appointments and now it is maybe 5 or 6 weeks between sessions.  The last time he had a session, I went in with my BPDx and the 2 of us met with my son's therapist with several concerns that i had including the fact that my 15 y/o son is dating an 18 y/o that has a baby and the baby's dad is in jail for violating contact orders.  I forewarned my BPDx that I was going to bring this up prior to the session.  She tried telling me that I had no right to do this, and I did it anyway.  I am now in a position where I have asked my BPDx if she has scheduled his next appointment and she just refuses to answer.  There isn't really a question of whether or not my son should be in counseling - he has been struggling for the last 2 years.  I am very tired of feeling like my hand are tied.

[Magnolia34]

sonto92 I'm so sorry. Do you think there's any way the school could get in on this? You've mentioned that his grades aren't good and he's been having some issues? My DSS17 got in some trouble a few months ago and as part of the resolution DH was able to meet with the guidance counselor and have her recommend counseling. But if there's an existing court order they're already violating I guess that may not make much difference. You're doing so much to try to get your son help. Just know that and remember how little control you actually have. Easy for me, the step-parent to say, I guess. My DH and his uBPDx have 50/50 custody but when you're dealing with a PD it sometimes feels like you only have 1% of the influence, if that.

[coyote]

sonto92,
Really sorry to hear this. It is hard enough with a divorce but all too hard when the Ex is not working with you. You say you have to wait for her to schedule. I guess this is because he is living with her now. I hate to ask this as I don't like being too involved with lawyers and courts but would it help to get them involved again?

[athene1399]

This sounds like a stressful situation for you, especially since you feel so helpless. I agree with the others. Talk to the school and see if there's any counseling resources your son can utilize there. And maybe discuss your options with your L since x isn't upholding the current agreement (in regards to counseling). Court totally sucks, but it may be your only other option. Sorry I'm not much help.

[Associate of Daniel]

Sonto92, this may not work if the privacy laws in your country are as ridiculous as they are in mine.

Can you approach the counsellor yourself, court orders in hand, and ask if there has yet been another appointment made? And if so, when is it for?

You'll probably find they won't tell you but maybe the court orders will convince them to.

Also, do you see your son at all?  If so, can you schedule appointments for him for when he is with you?

My concern is that, even though you are doing everything you can to help your son and to abide by the court orders, is the court able to say that you should have done more? Is there anything else you can do to show the court that you ARE doing everything you can for your son? Leave no stone unturned, as the saying goes.

Another thought: can you schedule an appointment for yourself with the current counsellor?

You could tell her/him of your difficulties in getting the help for your son and that your attempts at following the court orders are being thwarted.

The counsellor probably won't be able to say much but if they are any good, they may be able to reveal something without actually saying it, if you know what I mean.

And you could ask the counsellor to write a letter to the court that explains you visited him/her and the reason for your visit, as well as a statement that they found you of sound mind, trying to do everything for your son.

It sounds over the top but IME we have to be creative and turn over every stone when it comes to pds.

I am so frustrated for you and I think every parent on these boards can identify with your situation, one way or another.

Keep us posted.

AOD

[hhaw]

Sonto:

Chance are that if the Court ordered T for your son, then the Court truly believes it's necessary for his mental health.

Have you asked an attorney about filing for contempt against your ex?  She's supposed to comply with the Court Order.... that's the Law, and is enforceable through the courts. 

I'm sure you've documented your requests for information, and appointments that are IN the order.  I don't know if you're able to pay an attorney, or represent yourself. 

Maybe having an attorney fire off a letter threatening to hold ex in contempt of court would get your son back to the T?

Maybe your sending a letter with the facts, and suggestion this is heading to court if she continues not to comply would do the trick?

I think you mentioned the court's catching on to the ex's lying and manipulating behaviors so..... maybe this is a good time to push for whatever it is you think will help?

I know we have access to our school's counselor, and that we can ask the counselor to get involved if we feel it's necessary. 

Maybe you'll find an ally and advocate for your son you didn't have before?

I think your son will resist visiting you as long as your against his romance with the 18yo woman.  That's a complication on top of the PD ex.  I know you're adamantly opposed to that relationship, but you may consider considering letting that one go for now.    Sometimes we give people rope to hang themselves with.  For instance, asking son and this woman out to lunch so you can get to know her.  Then be nice as pie to her, and don't mention disapproval to son again.   Just drop the rope.

That way your son won't be focusing his energy on your disapproval, and defense of this woman.  He'll be left with empty head space to contemplate how much fun it is to date someone with the responsibility of a child, and the liability of a crazy baby daddy.   

I really think you need to switch up to having empathy for your son.... I mean.... refusing to accept this girl means you can't guide him on birth control, safe sex, or staying safe if the baby daddy gets out of jail, and rampages.  I'd want to be back IN my son's life, and available, even if I couldn't stop his dating this woman, and you can't.  Especially if the ex is supportive of that relationship, and undermining you. 

You might even say something nice about the woman, and hope son feels safe enough with you to talk about things that bug him in the relationship.  He might not even be aware of those things as long as he's focused on you and your judgements around the relationship.

Getting back into counseling seems to be the priority from where I stand.

Good luck,   

[sonto92]

Hhaw - thanks for the feedback on this.  We were working with a family therapist that my BPDx chose to opt out of ( violating a decision made by a previously appointed parenting consultant).  We (therapist, BPDX, and myself) had an agreement to address my son's anger and hostility towards me last fall and ex said "we will no longer be needing your services".  I had the therapist draft a summary that was emailed to son's mom and I and in it the therapist noted that, when she asked my son about his hostility and actions toward me, what was the basis of all of this?  My son stated that he was doing it to "try to get my dad to give up parenting time". 

[hhaw]

That's terrible, Sonto.

Those aren't likely your son's words.   Did the T comment on that statement>

[Magnolia34]

We had a similar scenario a few years ago. DH had been taking the kids to a therapist for several years after BM left the state. She came home and within a few months the therapist said "I'm sorry, they've completely shut down and won't tell me anything, I don't know how I can help anymore." They began saying things like (verbatim) "I want my mom to have full custody." The therapist knew they were being coached because the youngest two were 7 and 9 at the time and were parroting phrases that were clearly coming from an adult. DSS17 did the same thing when BM attempted to get custody of him for child support-we're kind of in the middle of that again, it seems. I truly think the more you can keep everyone involved with therapy, the more chance you have of a single person being able to witness everything and understanding the whole story. I am CONFIDENT that if the therapist has spent any time with you, your ex, and your son they are picking up on exactly what's happening between your son and you ex. It's just not normal for kids to turn against their parents for no reason and BPD's are famous for triangulating communication (our PC started using this term with BM when she would come in with these wild stories that DSS apparently hated DH). And even if they do, as teenagers are going to be teenagers, a good parent on the other end is going to know that kids need both parents involved and do whatever they can to support your relationship with your son. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really do think you're doing all the right things.