Need help finding strength - my story

[t666666]

Really, really struggling with the stress of seeking divorce and custody.  My story is below and I am usually the kind of person to agree to things so making such big decisions is emotionally overwhelming me.  Any encouragement or comments welcome.

My ex and I were together 7 years.  We met overseas and relocated back to my home country a year ago.  Our child is a citizen of my country and when we landed I submitted a spousal sponsorship application for a visa for my ex.  Just before Christmas my ex had a single vehicle accident and I found out that he was driving without a license for 6 months under my insurance.  This includes commuting and taking our child to daycare.  He refused to accept responsibility for the accident saying that even if he did have a license we would be in the same position.  I then had a bonus at work that covered the cost of fixing the car and when I announced this he replied by saying I have been giving him crap for days for nothing in that case.  There is a history of emotional abuse but this was the icing on the cake and I said that I wanted to separate.  He became very abuse and then pleaded - switching back and forth between the two constantly.  He told our child (who is 2) that Daddy wouldn't be around anymore.  He called me names in front of our child and cried in front of him.  I didn't cave so his last resort was to plead mental illness and run back home to his family.  After receiving advice from an immigration consultant I cancelled the spousal sponsorship.  Proceeding would have meant immigration fraud plus I would have had to financially support him for three years once the visa was issued.  He is infuriated and sends daily messages about how I planned it all as a way to keep him from our child.  I let him do a video call every day with our child.

I have been actively involved in therapy and truly believe that I'm dealing with a narcissist.  The behaviour is textbook.  Still not accepting responsibility and spinning a story that I am the bad guy.  He's now announcing that he's coming back in a couple of weeks to visit and thinks that he can just stay in the apartment.  I explained that I've spent weeks getting our child settled and he respond by saying that our child's routine will just need to be interrupted.  I have not received any financial support and when I ask about it, I am blamed for cancelling application so how could he possibly support our child.

Fast forward to this week and I have received legal advice to obtain an interim custody order.  He doesn't know yet but he will obviously lose his mind.  His family have not messaged me and have simply removed me from family chat groups and social media.  They won't know my side but I just feel that at this point in will fall on deaf ears.  I understand that they will support him, that's the way it goes.  I'm sure the story that he is spinning is that my family was against him and now I've cut him our intentionally, etc.

I'm struggling with guilt - can you believe it.  This is probably a backlash emotion from dealing with emotional abuse for years which I am trying to work through in therapy.  How do you trust yourself with such big decisions?  I trust legal advice and the lawyer I have engaged feels very strongly about going in with an interim custody order right away.  Every time I bring up separation terms with my ex he says "the courts will have to decide" and tells me to get on with a divorce.  I don't want to waste money on separation agreements just for him to not sign as it's clear he won't be agreeable to reason.

The extra expense is on me, all of this responsibility is on me and his family hates me.  How do people possibly stay strong and get through something like this?  I'm really struggling today.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you are getting good advice. You seem on a good track for yourself and your child. Sometimes we need reminders of how it was and what we no longer want to have in our life.
As you are talking to him regularly, it might be a good idea to implement some boundaries. For example, you could end the conversation immediately when he starts to insult you, or accuse you, or when he manipulates your child by crying or talking badly about you.

[RavenLady]

t666666 -- How painful. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I haven't been in your situation, so please ignore anything I say here that doesn't ring true for you. What I know is that in my darkest, most despairing and disorienting times (and I have had more than one), focusing on what I must do for those I love has showed me the way. In this case, you have a child. You must put the interests of your child first. You must love them as wholly as you can, and that means doing what you must do to get through this terrible time. So that's all there is to it, really. One way of looking at the problem is that it is simple: you must take good care of your child. 

And, of course, to take good care of your child, you must take good care of you. Do the obvious things: eat as healthy as you can, get healthy exercise, surround yourself with positive people and messages that will lift you up and won't drag you down. Turn to whatever brings you healthy solace (for me it is especially time spent in the wilds of nature, near water.) Set those boundaries like they are the foundation of a new home for you, because they are. One foot in front of the other. One moment at a time. Yes, the legal aspects and relational complications sound really, really hard and painful. But at some level it really is just one breath at a time. Then another. Then another. One task at a time. That's all you can do anyway. And, with focus and perseverance, you will get where you need to go, with your child, and then this awful time will be in the past.

[t666666]

Thanks so much to both of you for your time and wisdom.  I really appreciate it.

[Findingmyvoice]

T6, sorry to hear about your situation.
I can identify with the guilt and the frustration of his family turning against you.
Truth is they may never see your side of the story.

My sister in law was very supportive of both me and my ex up until the day I left.
She even suggested that I may have to leave with the kids in order for exBPDw to get help for herself.
She told me that she feared for my safety if I were to tell exBPDw that we were going to separate and urged me to protect myself.
She is one of the people that helped me realize that i was a victim of abuse.  She fully understood both sides of the situation.

But still, she now will not answer my phone calls or emails.
It hurts, but I understand that she is supporting her sister and may not want to be involved in the whole situation.

I am still struggling with guilt.
My exBPDw is not working, she collects disability, she is living in our home that I am paying for, I am paying her living expenses on top of the home plus a monthly spousal support, me and the kids are living with my parents.  She is not supporting the kids financially or helping with their expenses.
Currently I am cutting back on her expenses that I cannot afford.  I know that there will be blame and accusations from her, that she will use guilt against me but I have to stay the course. It's more important that I look after the kids rather than looking after her.

Your situation is the same, there are consequences and it may feel like you are "punishing" him when really he is just facing a consequence.

With separation agreements, you are probably right.  In my experience I tried to get some agreement on things like the future of our property and expenses and got no reply back.  So it's unlikely that she would respond to any sort of separation agreement.  Also, I was informed that her lawyer instructed her not to agree to anything outside of court.  It doesn't hurt to try, the expense of writing a separation agreement is miniscule compared to that of a divorce trial.
Even if you can get agreement on some things, that means you don't have to argue about it in court later.

[Liftedfog]

Findingmyvoice, isn't it disgusting how the laws actually cripple the healthy parent left to raise kids on their own in a separation?  Your story sounds similar to mine.   I left with my children in 2013 and escaped a violent and mentally ill spouse.   We stayed with my parents in a tiny home and still there.  While expdh stayed in the 4 bedroom family home unemployed while I paid for everything.   I had to force the sale of the family home and we lost it.  Expdh until this day refuses medical treatment rendering him "disabled".  If he took his antipsychotic meds he could function.  But nope.  Why should he???   Im his work horse.  He pays no child support cause he doesn't work and he is claiming spousal from me!!!  I don't make enough to support him. He is unemployed so I naturally make more than him.  Legal fees have cost over 120 000 and still ongoing.   It doesn't end.  I tell myself everyday thank God I have full custody and he is only entitled to supervised access.  He refuses and has not seen kids since 2014.    Sorry to hijack this thread but I was triggered by your post.   Stay strong all us parents left to care for our children.