Feel so sad that nothing's changed

[The New Me!]

Hi

Not been on here for a long time.  Just recently started a part-time job, which has taken some adjustment after 20+ years of not working.  My son has recently deferred from uni due to mental health issues.  Can't cope with the level of work, so is having counselling through uni and is on anti-depressants.

His Grandma telephoned him the other day and he's told them that he's deferred and straightaway my step-dad jumped to the conclusion that it was because of the estrangement between us and blamed it all on me.  Didn't even wait to find out the true facts first and just automatically judged.  I have spoken to them and stayed calm and just spoke about my son and my new job.  They want to meet up with me and I didn't commit myself.  They have however said they would get in touch to meet up with my son and take him out somewhere.

I just feel so incredibly annoyed that he's automatically blamed me, he does now know that it's because of uni and the pressure of his course, but nonetheless that was his initial response.  I just feel like I start to move forward and then they're in touch and I take massive steps back again.  I desparately want to move on with my life and I feel like I can't because of them.  They feel that we should be able to meet up occasionally and I don't want to.  I just wish they'd leave me alone.  If they want to meet up with my son then that's between them.  I know I shouldn't have spoken to them and I still keep putting myself through it hoping they'll change, but clearly they won't.

[Yael924]

You are clearly forgetting the SG superpower: the power to cause any problem that could possibly make a PD feel they don't look perfect. ( Yes, this is any problem ever)

So this accusation is not surprising. Your folks cannot have a gs with mental health issues. So it must be the SGs fault. And *poof* PD GPs are still perfect and you have another "black mark" against you.

Once you see the pattern, it becomes predictable.

[JustKat]

Your folks cannot have a gs with mental health issues. So it must be the SGs fault.

Hi New Me,

My NPDmother had huge hangups about mental health. When I was diagnosed with my anxiety disorder I kept quiet, knowing how much she'd taunt me over it. I never told a single person in my family that I had it, or that I was being treated by a psychiatrist. Thank goodness I didn't.

A few years after my diagnosis, one of my cousins (her sister's son) was diagnosed with a similar disorder. My aunt made the mistake of telling Nmother that my cousin was in treatment and on anti-depressants. Within minutes of my aunt hanging up the phone, Nmother called me laughing hysterically, blabbering something like, "OMG, you won't believe it, your cousin is on Prozac! He's sick in the head from the way your aunt raised him." Not only did she immediately stigmatize his medical condition, but also found someone to blame for it. In her mind, any type of mental illness could never be genetic, at least not her own family genes. Just like Yael924 said, it HAD to be someone's fault. I'm sure she would have blamed me except that I hadn't seen my cousin in years.

Rejoining the workforce after a lengthy absence is very stressful so try to take care of yourself and don't let them get you down. If you don't want to meet up with your parents, you don't have to. I know that feeling of desperately wanting to be left alone, but they never give up. When I went NC my parents acted like they were entitled to invading my space, and my one surviving parent has still not backed down.

I do hope your son is feeling better soon. You can't prevent him from seeing them, but I have a feeling he knows how much grief they've caused you and probably isn't surprised by their actions. Hang in there.

[The New Me!]

Hi

My Mum has mental health issues and was sectioned - nearly 30 years ago - and now has high anxiety and is often depressed.

Of course it is my fault - in their eyes - I know it's not my fault, but I'm still angry.  I'm just going to ignore them, concentrate on my new job and not get drawn into their drama.  If I tackle them it won't make any difference.  They are meeting up with my son this week so we'll see what happens.  Fortunately, I'll be at work so well out of the way!

Thanks for the comments.