Hi all-
I know a couple of you have asked for updates before. Here is where I things are at the moment.
The rest of the school year was pretty uneventful, but my wife has an escalating feeling that the attacks on our children are getting worse (they don't really exist, never mind getting worse.) Her delusions are more persistent. I have a real hard time avoiding the circular arguments around them. For example, this past weekend, she shared with me her concerns about the children and asked me what we should do about it? I immediately felt that familiar trapped feeling in these conversations. I started with telling her that when we've had these conversations before, she hasn't liked my answers and gets pretty angry at me, and that I don't want to do it. That frustrates her, and she doesn't get it, and pushes forward. I eventually gave in, and true enough a horrible fight ensues. I try to shortcut it to the conclusion- I am horrible- but she is pretty insistent that she review all the ways I am horrible. It is frustrating and draining.
There was one terrible incident where an old family friend reached out and invited us over. My wife thinks this person is out to get us, and told her off and to stay away from us. That was awful, though this friend did reach out separately to me worried about my wife. and I assured her that I knew what was going on. That felt good, though we did miss out on catching up with old friends.
In addition, my wife has now gone to the FBI to report the persecutions. I have no idea how this went or how the FBI deals with these things. So to date, she has gone to the police a couple of times, a crime victim's advocate attorney and the FBI. Every now and then, I note that none of those things bring her satisfaction, and I try to suggest a doctor. It fails.
On the plus side, I'm now sticking up for myself a bit more and am doing pretty well. For example, this past weekend we were going to go on a family hike, but after the aforementioned fight, I simply said I am not spending the day with someone so stuck on hating me. It was the second time I did that. The first time a few weeks ago, my wife took the kids out by herself and I went for a long peaceful walk. This time, I took the kids on a short hike and we stopped to play mini-golf on the way home. It was great.
Also on the plus side - I am doing better at the self care. I've listed the various things that I do for that elsewhere here, but suffice it to say, I do it more, and feel pretty good. Someone posted here something along the lines of - "my staying wasn't a reflection of how much I loved you, but of how much I didn't love myself". That stuck with me, and I am trying to better take care of myself.
Also, on the plus side - I've now met with two divorce attorneys. I'm not there yet, but it does feel like a real possibility, and at the recommendation of some folks here, I've now armed myself with knowledge.
Finally, I've started reading I am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! How to Help Someone with Mental Illness Accept Treatment. I'm about a 25% through the book, and it has been mostly about the condition, and not yet about how to help. I'm not optimistic, but it feels like a step I have to take, and I'm glad I found the book.
I haven't posted here much (not much has changed, and as I mentioned, I had been kind of depressed for bit), but I've replied to few, and I am pulling for a lot of folks here in this little community that I love. I love seeing the progress and the support. Pushit's recent milestone left me smiling for days. It helps.
All in all, my wife is sliding, the kids are doing ok, and I'm improving. I started posting here in the welcome mat saying "I am strong and diminished". I'm leaning more to the strong side at the moment.
Thanks all for your ongoing support.