A possible breakthrough?

[mayaberry]

I don't want to get too ahead of myself but I'm starting to have a little bit of hope that H is done with dealing with his family!!
I haven't posted on here for a while, mainly because it was the same old stuff and we were really just in a rut of me trying to go no contact but because H still had contact it made things difficult. His family continued to ignore all aspects of our life and our daughters life, including the fact she got a part in a movie. Pretty special right?? Er, no. Not even a mention from any of them. You can't praise someone after all. Do you know the only time it was mentioned? Nmil and enabling brother in law came to visit for a weekend. Don't get me started on that. They invited themselves, I didn't want them there, it was a really busy weekend for us. H and I argued about it a lot.
Anyway at the time of their visit, our dd had just finished filming. It would be a natural part of conversation surely? No. Both of them refused to mention it. Eventually, in about day 3 of the visit H brought it up in conversation to see if either of them would actually discuss it with our dd. No. They wouldn't. They completely ignored it except for enabling bil to say "film stars get diahorrea like everyone else".... O. K
THEN......
So anyway, we got over that, got through Xmas which was pretty much standard stuff. We didn't see them. Now, a few months ago H had told Nmil that we had planned a big trip abroad. We will be staying with a friend who lives there and its something we couldn't have afforded to do otherwise. Now I expected Nmil to be furious. How dare we spend money on that and never visit them? (we don't visit them because of an incident years ago involving nsil and nmil). She surprised me slightly by not mentioning that but instead immediately mentioning all the amazing holidays she has had herself recently.
Now I wasn't convinced she was going to just let that go and it seems that I'm being proved right. There's now just under two months until our trip and nmil has started the mind games and emotional blackmail with H.
So, it first began a couple of weeks ago. She had gone radio silent for weeks, which isn't unusual because she likes to make H call her rather than her having to call him. Then one night the phone rang. I knew it was her immediately because it was dd's bedtime and she always calls at that time so that she doesn't have to speak to dd and so she can get me out of the way while she speaks to H. I ignored the call. She doesn't speak to me so there is no point in me answering the phone.
But a couple of minutes later I hear H's mobile buzzing and then the house phone goes again. At this point I began to think well, there might be a family emergency and actually this is going to keep our dd awake, so I answered the phone.
I didn't have to speak to her of course. She just immediately asked where H was and then told me to tell him to call her back. No asking how I was or how our dd was or anything like that. But actually instead of getting angry like I usually would, I found it quite amusing that she was so predictable and I played her at her own game and literally asked her nothing either.
Anyway, H called her back once dd was asleep and this is where the fun began. Bearing in mind that she hadn't spoken to any of us for nearly a month, she almost immediately started on at him about when he was going to visit her and how was it that we could afford to go on holiday but couldn't go and visit her. I had been expecting this. I knew she wouldn't have taken that news well and it became obvious she had reined in her reaction whilst other people were around but had obviously been stewing about it for months. H explained that we were entitled to go on holiday wherever and whenever we wanted and that it had hardly been a pleasant experience the last time we visited them. At this point she got a bit nasty and told him that he needed to "grow up" and "let it go". When he pointed out that there were some things that you couldn't just forget she then began with the emotional blackmail. She asked if he would be attending her mother's funeral (she's not dead or ill) and then if he would be attending her funeral (again, she's not dead or ill). H said he wasn't having this conversation and she got annoyed and ended the call.
Then only a few days later she was texting him asking for a time when she can call him. This is unheard of. She usually disappears for weeks at a time to punish him and waits for him to go running to her. H ignored the text as he suspected it would be more of the same thing. But she was insistent...
She kept texting and calling, even during working hours. She began liking every post I'd made on fb on H's page over the last few months (she always ignores my posts because nsil hates me and when questioned by H about it she claims that she doesn't know how to use the computer, when she blatantly does). So, eventually H answered the phone to her the other night. His reasoning for this was that our dd was actually awake and could speak to nmil, however it transpired that this was definitely not part of her plan. The first I knew of him answering the phone was when dd came upstairs to where I was and asked if someone had died. I said no and she explained that daddy was on the phone arguing with nan and nan kept going on about a funeral!!!! Our dd was a bit worried and upset by the whole thing and I could only explain that everyone was safe and happy and that nan just said some really silly things sometimes and I'm sure that's all it was.
I could then hear H's voice was raised and then the call ended shortly after that. He explained that she had spoken to our dd for all of about two minutes and then had immediately turned on H, the real reason for the call. She said that she was coming up for our dds birthday later in the year (uninvited). But it turned out this was part of the blackmail because she then asked H when he would be visiting (not dd and me, just him). He said he wouldn't and she knew why. She then began blaming me and saying that it was my fault because I don't get on with nsil and it had torn the family apart. That nsil was devastated that she no longer had her brother and that she had said she might never see him again! H explained that it was nothing to do with me and that nsil had brought everything on herself and that if he met her in the street he wouldn't like her as a person and that's without all of the horrible things she has done over the year. She tried to blame us again for the incident last time we visited and H explained that he wasn't happy with her own behaviour at that time because she had sided with nsil and had been extremely nasty and so if anyone was to blame for anything then it was the pair of them. She got really angry and started saying that if his dad was still alive he would be so upset that H was behaving in this way!! H pointed out that he would be upset at the way they had behaved and the lack of interest they have in our dd. She then tried the tactic of the funerals again and said she was too old to be making trips all the way up to see us - to which H pointed out that it was less than six months ago that she had travelled solo to the other side of the world to see a friend and then gone away on two girls weekend breaks abroad after that!! She claimed her health had hugely deteriorated since then of course. She eventually got fed up and hung up on him.
It's a mess. But I was so proud of H. It's the first time that he has ever properly challenged her. The first time he hasn't felt pangs of guilt at what shes saying. The first time he has actually called them "toxic". He actually said it and related it to their behaviour!!!
He was so angry. But inside I was so happy! I was so glad he had made the breakthrough and the connections and I hadn't had to say a word. I do wonder if it has been their effect on our dd that has made the difference. He knew I had history with them so maybe didn't always believe what I was saying, but now that he can see it with our dd it seems to he different.
Fingers crossed this continues. I just had to share it on this forum. So many of you have helped me through all of this and even when I'm not posting, I'm always thinking of the advice so many of you have given me.
So, as I say, I don't want to get too hopeful. But it's definitely a change for the better!

[Starboard Song]

Film stars get diarrhea like everyone else.

Submitted for Quote of the Year on Out of the FOG.

[mayaberry]

  

Just amazing isn't it. I mean, that's really all they could think of to say?! We were speechless. There's no way of following that up with anything is there! Thanks for showing such an interest, uncle and grandmother!!

[JayBird]

Mayberry, yes indeed sounds like a breakthrough moment for your H. 

Your Nmil and ebil are not able to congratulate your dd on being in a film because narcissists cannot allow for others to shine.  They have to dim the light of others. Very Very sad that they cannot be supportive and encouraging. The role of family IS to provide encouragement and support and celebrate one another's success. Not so with a narc. (unless they can somehow claim credit)

"They completely ignored it except for enabling bil to say "film stars get diahorrea like everyone else".... O. K
THEN......  " .             ....um ....SO NOT OK , so wrong!!!  You are right to distance yourself and your dd from these joy killers.

Stay strong!

[mayaberry]

Jaybird, I think what disappointed me most about that comment was that it came from bil. I would have expected it almost from nmil. I didn't expect it from bil. Our dd is 6 years old and she was sitting there listening to the conversation and waiting excitedly for them to ask about it and instead she was met with that comment and that was the end of the conversation.
I've always thought that bil was very selfish and I've noticed it more the longer I've known him. I also saw him enabling nmil and nsil's behaviours but I thought that was just because it was easier to go along with them and he just wanted to keep out of any arguments. But when he made that comment, it was the first time I'd really considered that actually he might be PD as well. I knew he had a high opinion of himself and that he could be arrogant at times but this was the first time I'd really seen that narcissistic element of meanness. Just being downright mean and dismissive to a six year old child.
I just hope that H doesn't cave in to the guilt trips. I also hope that nmil doesn't get bil involved. It wouldn't be the first time she's had him call H to try and get him back in line. He tends to Cave in a bit when bil calls because he feels ganged up on. So, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed at the moment.