Are Their Threats Usually Empty?

[kenya33]

In your experience, do you find that those with NPD usually make empty threats???

I am finding that a lot of what they threaten to do is usually just them talking out of their behinds. They seem to be full of hot air. I find that their threats are all just a form of manipulation in order to get us to bow down to them and do whatever it is they are demanding of us. I noticed the NPD individual in my life likes to instill fear, in fact, I believe he gets off on trying to make me worried and anxious about his next move. It's all a power struggle to them, imo. For example, he will threaten to "out" me to everyone I know, and he will try to make it seem like he told everyone horrible made up stories about me, but then I ask these people about it and they have no clue what I am even referring to lol.

What is your experience with NPD's and their threats? Did the NPD in your life actually follow through on the threats or were they just using the threats as a ploy to get you to bow down to them?

[sad_dog_mommy]

Hello!

I can only tell you how it was with my diagnosed BPDexbf but he NEVER followed through on any of his threats.   Sadly I believed him for many years until I found this support website.   I just wanted to keep the peace.  I didn't understand that I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome with a little PTSD mixed in.

Here is a short list of things he (regularly) claimed he would do. 

Call my employer, family and friends and 'tell them all about" me
Leave my dogs out on a busy road miles from home.
Take a hammer to every wall in the house.
Move to Australia and live under an assumed name.
Use my car to pull down the 6 foot wooden privacy fence.
Call the IRS and tell them I had unreported income.
Drive his car into the concrete barrier on the highway with me in the car.
Hit himself with a hammer and call the police to say I did it.

That list doesn't include the many, many times he claimed he would take his own life.  I think he liked me to 'beg' him to live for me and his children from a previous marriage.   All of those 'idle threats' kept me 'in line' out of fear.  What would happen if he DID call my employer??  What kind of ugly lies could he tell my parents??   

Again, that was just my experience.  Maybe the fact you are asking this question means you doubt he is serious?

((( hug )))

[Crushed_Dad]

had the call my boss one
had the call my family one
I've been told I'll be taken to the cleaners (financially) jury's out on that  one
I've been told I'll never see my kids, seeing them Saturday.

[blunk]

IME, YES, their threats are idle.

My BPDxh threatened, like sad_dog_mommy's to "tell everyone about me", that I was a whore and every other lie he could think of, I still wonder if this was a bit of projection as I did suspect that he was cheating after finding some questionable emails...he claimed it was all talk and he never acted on any of it
He threatened to burn down our home
To hurt me...the dogs...himself
When I went somewhere without him, to come and drag me out by my hair
One of the worst threats was when we were divorcing and he was moving into an apartment and couldn't take "his" dog. I offered to keep her until he was able to get a place where he could have her. He threatened to send her to rescue just so I couldn't have her. His therapist equated it to an adult temper tantrum and actually asked him if he laid on the ground thrashing his hands and feet too.
And of course, there were the numerous suicide threats. He would tell me the train schedule and that he knew when it passed over the bridge near our home (his best friend killed himself in that way as a teenager)

I believe that these threats are made to keep us in fear, always vigilant, always looking over our shoulders.

[kenya33]

Hello!

I can only tell you how it was with my diagnosed BPDexbf but he NEVER followed through on any of his threats.   Sadly I believed him for many years until I found this support website.   I just wanted to keep the peace.  I didn't understand that I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome with a little PTSD mixed in.

Here is a short list of things he (regularly) claimed he would do. 

Call my employer, family and friends and 'tell them all about" me
Leave my dogs out on a busy road miles from home.
Take a hammer to every wall in the house.
Move to Australia and live under an assumed name.
Use my car to pull down the 6 foot wooden privacy fence.
Call the IRS and tell them I had unreported income.
Drive his car into the concrete barrier on the highway with me in the car.
Hit himself with a hammer and call the police to say I did it.

That list doesn't include the many, many times he claimed he would take his own life.  I think he liked me to 'beg' him to live for me and his children from a previous marriage.   All of those 'idle threats' kept me 'in line' out of fear.  What would happen if he DID call my employer??  What kind of ugly lies could he tell my parents??   

Again, that was just my experience.  Maybe the fact you are asking this question means you doubt he is serious?

((( hug )))

I figured most with NPD do not really follow through on their threats, but I just wanted to see if anyone shared the same experience. I let this individual go over 4 years now, but he has not stopped harassing me and threatening me since then. A year ago today, I cut off all contact with him. Meaning, he would call 50 x times a day and text 100 times a day, but all of his voicemails and texts went unanswered. I ignored everything, but yet still read and listened to the voicemails, which I am aware has delayed my healing process. However, I did not change my number until two days ago. I decided to finally change my number and take charge of my life. I have moved on in my life, I am with someone new and I am actually quite happy. The slander and the delusions were getting worse and worse and I needed to finally rid myself of him once and for all. Now with my number being changed, he has no way to really "get to me" sorta speak. He used text and voicemails to intimidate me, threaten me and demean me. He can no longer do that since my number's changed and he is no longer able to contact me and use my text message inbox and voicemail inbox as an emotional punching bag. I fear that because he lost that control, he may now try to follow through on some of his threats. As we all know, they literally lose their minds when they feel like they have lost some sort of control over their target.

These 4 years have been extremely tough on me. Even up until two days ago when my phone number was still active, he would threaten to kill himself, "out" me to my family and friends about how much of a whore I am, make me lose my job, yada yada, you know how it goes. He would go from demeaning me to saying things that seemed as if he thought there was still a chance for us to get back together and acted like he was doing me a favor by "forgiving" me for all the wrong I've supposedly done. It was literally nonstop BS spewed my way in order for me to give him some sort of reaction. It was beyond exhausting and I guess I finally grew the courage to put an end to it. It amazes me how people like this think that there's still hope for a relationship of some sort after all the harm they have caused. It's as if me leaving him 4 years ago and ignoring him for a year straight was a joke to him, as if I was playing around. He still thinks there's a chance that I will "come to my senses" and be with him. I believe that my finally changing my number will make things a bit clearer, that I will not be coming back and that I really am finished with him. Now that he has lost this control over me, I worry that he will act out and try to cause issues for me.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Hello again,

You did the right thing by changing your phone#.  I know it wasn't an easy thing to do.  Hopefully harassing you via text and voicemail has become a habit and now that your phone # has changed he will find another way to amuse himself. 

About 2 years after my break-up my employer asked me about the exbf.  He saw me sitting at my desk in tears a few times before the breakup but never said anything.  I told him what the exbf had said about calling him.  He told me that he would never have believed a word he said because he already knew what kind of employee/person I am.

It does seem odd that he hasn't found a new source of PD supply but the fact it has been 4 years and all he has done is call and text is a good indicator that he is full of hot air.   

Now that you have a new phone# and a new someone to spend the holiday season with my advice to you is to keep looking forward.  New year - new you.

[zenagain]

In my experience as well - yes...

While my experiences may pale in comparison to those above, I did want to chime in on the projection piece mentioned.   I left my ucovertNPDw once (when DS was out of town for a few weeks, etc - mistakenly came back the same day he came back as I didn't want to scar DS...anyway)...  In that departure, there were ton's of ideal threats - when reflecting on them and being further Out of the FOG at that time that ever - they were not necessarily threats that would affect me - more so threats she would be devastated with - just as the "tell everyone" and "make you look like the non-human you are"... all things an ucovertNarc would be devastated to have done to them.   

Just suggesting, if we really listen to the threat -its specifics, etc - we might find its a threat/fear of their own more so than a fear or something threatening to us...maybe.   I would say even the threats made by the PD about taken their own lives fall into this category (not taking that lightly either), but more closely matched to my situation was the constant threat of leaving me or divorcing me.    Prior to all this (and while I was in the fog), she would threaten this all the time - to call a lawyer, that she has a meeting with a lawyer, she'd say she was packing her bags and leaving....   I would get all fog'ged and beg her not to.    She never had to leave.. nor did she ever talk with a lawyer, but back then, I kinda made the threat go away by caving into the whole game...

As I came out  of the fog, I stopped begging and let her just do it.   I didn't care anymore and wanted space from her anyway.  She'd pack, leave, and then come back within an hour - never stayed away overnight.   Made some rant to me about how it was my fault she came back (I ignored it), etc...

When I left - waited until she came home and told her I was leaving for a few weeks - she even said, "No - you don't leave - I am leaving!!!" because at the time I guess she felt that would be a win - threaten the person making the threat and gain back control of the situation, so to speak.  Well, I just said, "Great - I don't need to find a hotel then" and she realized her threat was a reward to me.... and that really made her mad..

I digress..

[vonmoot]

I find that their threats are all just a form of manipulation in order to get us to bow down to them and do whatever it is they are demanding of us.

So far...

Right now, she has figured out the correct threat: divorce.  It would devastate us financially and negatively affect my relationship with my 4 yo son.  Sadly, I am "walking on eggshells" to try to keep some semblance of peace.  I'm not sure how far she will go.  I've posted that in my darkest days, I fear that she got pregnant with him to keep me around (I have a VERY strong sense of obligation and loyalty to people).  I was already planning an exit.

I think they will test the waters to see how far someone can be pushed.  They will probe to see what our reactions are.

[findjoy81]

it seems to be that they are empty.  At first, while we first got together, I thought he was very straightforward. I even used the phrase "he doesn't bluff" when talking about situations regarding him with people.

As time went on, I saw more and more empty threats.  Constantly threatening divorce (he knew it was a weak spot for me - of course), to move out etc....

It took me taking control and actually moving out and filing for divorce to get things moving.  (He filed for legal separation)  Then he threatens court battles (knowing that the idea of going to court and spending the money on it scared me). 

And ever since, he continues to make threats.  At first (thanks to the FOG), all his threats sent me into a fit of fear or anger.  But after 3+ years separated, and continued threats.... they are really starting to not hold any power.  I know most of them are empty, and the ones that aren't, will still turn out ok because he is so disordered.

[Crushed_Dad]

ha ha ha, I used to say the same thing. I don't do/play games with people. Turns out that's all she was doing all along.....

[1footouttadefog]

They may or not mean what they threaten depends on the pd and type of pd and what stage of the relationship etc.

I have noticed one thing however that seems to span the above circumstantial variables....

It's the fact that when a PD makes threats like those given as examples in this thread, they are often opening the door to their minds to us.

They are often projecting their own fears and insecurities and the details of these outbursts are clues to the truth that they are not willing to reveal.

For example threatening to put you over some secret life or unknown aspect of yourself that will in their mind shock others may very well be projection.

[kenya33]

Oh, yes, absolutely! When he'd threaten to out me for being a sexual deviant, I always found it quite funny as I am the furthest thing from one. I am honestly prudish in many ways. However, he is the one who is the sexual deviant and the reason I even ended things with him in the first place was due to me catching him on the prowl for other women. As soon as I caught him, he projected his behaviors on me and all of a sudden I became the one who was out prowling for men lol.

Almost every single thing he threatens to do to me is projection. He threatens to out me for drug use, which is not true at all. He is the one who uses drugs recreationally. He threatens to out me for having an abortion, which I never had. His kids' mother is the one who had one. Then there are the really strange things he comes up with, like the ludicrous story about me giving oral sex to police officers to get out of tickets. I don't even know where he comes up with this stuff, it is always so unbelievable and so far out of left field. His most recent thing is that the new guy I am seeing is married and I am a homewrecker. Obviously, this is untrue. I am almost willing to bet my entire life savings that it is him who is messing around with a married woman.

They may or not mean what they threaten depends on the pd and type of pd and what stage of the relationship etc.

I have noticed one thing however that seems to span the above circumstantial variables....

It's the fact that when a PD makes threats like those given as examples in this thread, they are often opening the door to their minds to us.

They are often projecting their own fears and insecurities and the details of these outbursts are clues to the truth that they are not willing to reveal.

For example threatening to put you over some secret life or unknown aspect of yourself that will in their mind shock others may very well be projection.

[logistics]

UPD MIL would threaten that she had rights and take my children from me.  Um..no grounds to do that.

[Findingmyvoice]

I have had all of the same threats as most.
Normally she would not follow through, but when I left she did.
She did call my employer.  She got shut down real quick.  I had a restraining order preventing her from calling or being at my workplace the next day.
Posted nasty stuff on social media about me.  From what I can see it didn't stick with most people I know, even her family, aside from one person.
Legally she is following through on her threats to fight me.  I don't know how far that will go.
Called police, claimed i kidnapped kids and that i had guns and was going to hurt them.  Again, that didn't go far because it wasn't true.
She called the kids schools and teachers, but I informed them of the situation ahead of time so that didn't work for her either.
Tried to turn other people against me as well, but it all failed for her.
She never followed through on suicide threats.

[Spygirl]

My 2 cents

In my situation,

My PD uses statements like a blind man uses a cane. He uses them to search out a reaction, and develops a path based on my answers.

Example:

PD : im going to buy a motorcycle to commute with.

If i were to answer  "we have terrible traffic dear, its not safe. I would worry constantly" he would continue to pursue getting one. I would worry and beg him not too. He Would eventually drag me to a dealership, but not buy one. He would then tell me for years afterwards about what a dream crusher i am because he was not allowed to get the bike. It was about getting a response from me.

PD; im going to buy a motorcycle to commute on"

Me " thats nice Dear. Make sure you increase the life insurace please"

Its never brought up again.........

[Mikeb44]

This is an interesting thread. I have come to find the empty threats is staple of my PDw fighting mechanism born out of her own self insecurity.

Although I had this epiphany when reading through this thread and I am going to pose it as a question: Do you think the threats come when they feel as if they are about to lose control?

I know today my PDw threatened to leave with my son out of the house. I was angry but said fine if thats what you think you need to do. I then proceeded to stay upstairs as she was downstairs to put away clothes and do chores. She stormed up 6 minutes later and started yelling again at me and all I said was "I thought you were leaving?" She didnt really know what to say.

This is did nt happen without any pain on my side however it proved to me that in their weakest moment, the threats come to hide their fear.

Thanks to all of you who posted their experiences on this

[droversrungal]

I can tell you from my won experience that the threats are not always "fake".  Pretty much our entire 25 plus years of marriage my H has "threatened" to kill himself or would say things like everyone's life would be better without him (we have 5 children).  a little over a year ago he did try to kill himself which landed him in a facility for several weeks. He was since said that now that he tried it all of the mystique is gone and he won't try it again.  I don't believe him because of the off handed comments he makes all of the time and at this point I am just numb to it all. 

I think everyone with NPD is different and I am just starting the journey of figuring out how to deal with having a H who is constantly  dark and depressed. 

[bruceli]

IME, the threats have become a reality.  Early in the relationship they were not carried through with. Now, due to desperation caused by projecting her issues on to me, she is now carrying through with the threats as a way to make herself feel better by trying to hurt me.

[Whiteheron]

I agree with Mikeb44, that the threats are used to hide their fear. Right after DS was born, stbx would threaten me if I ever tried to leave. He told me that if I tried to leave he would fight me and he would win because the judge would believe him because of who he was and that I was a nobody. A year later he threatened that if I ever left he'd tell "everyone" I was on drugs and an unfit mother and he would take DS from me. And again, that they would believe him because of who he was and that I was just a jobless housewife that no one would believe. He told me that he could manufacture "proof" that I was using (he was in pharma sales at the time and had lots of samples around the house). These were random threats - we hadn't been fighting, no disagreements, nothing. Out of the blue. I was very confused at the time.

I also heard the threat that he was going to "tell everyone how I really was." Umm... But he never did.

He would threaten to leave and never come back.

He would threaten to 'hurt me financially' if I didn't comply with his wishes.

I think deep down he knew he treated me badly and thought I was going to leave him.

It was all about his fears and control...and trying to control his fears. And control me.

In the end when I did file for divorce, he tried telling everyone I'm crazy and abusive. He's trying to get the kids (or at least trying in vain to get them to like him better than they like me). He's offering me 20% of the marital assets. Idk if that's him trying to follow through on his past threats or just him being him.