How to cope with the stress?

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movingforward2

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How to cope with the stress?
« on: February 06, 2019, 04:41:21 PM »
Hey all...I've been MIA for awhile. 

Recently things have been escalating at home and my H seems to be having another episode.  I highly suspect his bipolar or bpd, but untreated of course.  He is also an alcoholic and is not currently drinking, but that could change at anytime as he is not doing well right now.  I feel that our relationship has caused my autoimmune issues as stress can trigger them.  I am having trouble coping with the stress of being married to a person with untreated mental illness.  How do you all of cope?  I do the following:

1.  Eat healthy, avoid foods I am sensitive to
2.  Work out a couple times a week
3.  Meditate daily
4.  Attend church as I can

My issue is that none of these things seem to be making a big impact.  I have considered acupuncture and perhaps counseling.  The thing is, I'm starting to wonder if all of these things are simply bandaids.  Living with a person who has an untreated mental illness is very difficult.  I am also raising an 8 and 13 year old daughter while working full time.  It just all seems so hard sometimes. 

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coyote

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Re: How to cope with the stress?
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2019, 04:47:03 PM »
Glad to see you back movingforward. A lot of us have found counselling, with a competent counselor, to be a lot of help. Not only does it provide a face to face outlet but he/she can provide support and help with coping strategies.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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movingforward2

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Re: How to cope with the stress?
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2019, 05:00:20 PM »
Thanks.  I'm thinking I'll need to go that route as well.  The latest autoimmune disease I have developed has really put a toll on me emotionally and I just want to be able to cope better. 

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Jumpy

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Re: How to cope with the stress?
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2019, 05:09:49 PM »
I have also found these things help -

1) meditation
2) increase in exercise (still not a lot, but more)
3) social interaction with mentally healthy people
4) Therapy
5) me time - I have made a point of a couple of nights a week staying up and watching a relatively mindless TV show by myself.
6) medicine - as I mention in my posts here, I asked for and received a mild sedative for when it is really bad. I've used it twice in the last two weeks and it seemed to help.
7) This site. It's hard to say why exactly, but the support and the wisdom, help me to feel less stressed.
8) Sufficient sleep


Is it enough? no. I'd like to add yoga. Are doing all of these things consistently easy? No. But it all helps. You are right - living with mental illness is hard. Also, parenting is hard. It's a lot. I see a lot of folks here advocating for self care, and it seems you have a good system going. Bravo.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: How to cope with the stress?
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2019, 01:49:41 AM »
I am pretty sure I would have left or made pdh leave had he not sought medical treatment.

He was escalating and things were becoming unsafe and I could not trust leaving the kids with him.

He got medical help and the meds stabilize his mood a great deal and his anger and rage are well managed now.

The narcissism is still present however.

I hope you cam stay strong and that things will impress but always choose safety.

Coping when things are not getting better is tough.  It's even worse if they are ramping up the pd stuff.  It's exhausting, especially with kids.

Do the self care thing and advocate for yourself and the kids , and do your best and take what pleasure in that that you can.

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: How to cope with the stress?
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2019, 09:58:57 AM »
Hello!

Writing in a journal and self-care (manicures and reading a book in a hot bath) helped me.  Living with a person who has a PD is exhausting.  Whatever you can do to re-energize yourself will help.

((( hug )))
Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which rebuilt my life.  JK Rowling

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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movingforward2

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Re: How to cope with the stress?
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2019, 10:12:48 AM »
Thanks all! 

The episode seems to have passed.  Last time it lasted a month and this time it seems to have lasted for a few days.  Not sure if we are in the clear yet, but last night he seemed more regulated.   It's difficult because sometimes I think I should just throw in the towel.  However, he is decent most of the time, I'd say a good 85%.  It's that 15% that is so draining.  I also feel I need to learn not to JADE with him.  That is probably the most exhausting part.

Last night I took the girls to church.  It was great.   I didn't have to cook dinner...I got some space from my H and I felt refreshed after.  I need to do that more often!

A challenge at my gym starts next week and I wasn't going to join, but I've decided after reading your posts that it would be highly beneficial for me to join as it will force me out of the house.

I also have a trip booked to visit my brother.  I decided to take my 8 year old because I just know he can't handle both of the kids and I have never spent that much alone time with her, so I figure it would be good for both of us.  My 13 year old is visiting my brother later this year with my sister, so it seemed fair to take my 8 year old. 

Thanks for all the suggestions! 


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coyote

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Re: How to cope with the stress?
« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2019, 10:47:51 AM »
Good for you. You have all our support we can give here.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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1footouttadefog

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Re: How to cope with the stress?
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2019, 12:47:15 PM »
For me, as I went through these patches, I was over time able to identify them for what they were, know what to expect etc.  This earlier detection allowed me to stay more logical, have less catastrophic thinking and focus on minimizing the impact on myself and my children.

Not that my spouses episodes are my fault etc, but by I do see where the tools can help not throw fuel on the fire.  My reduced emotional connection to, and ownership of the situation greatly reduce the drama from my end of things reducing the fuel as well as leaving me less impacted.

Self care and living your own life are awesome.  It also sets a good example for your children to not give up themselves to such things and to live and be true to who they are despite challenges. 




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Whiteheron

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Re: How to cope with the stress?
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2019, 11:35:45 AM »
I had a good friend tell me that once self-care becomes routine, it's no longer a 'treat'. So if you can, every once in a while try to find something new (advice I have yet to take myself  ;)).

I also find that challenges at the gym are very helpful. Gets me out of the house and I have a feeling of pride and accomplishment as I record my workout points for the day.

I second the therapy - it's good to have an outlet, someone who you can talk to and who can give advice, if needed.

I started reading again. stbx would get hostile and angry if he saw me relaxing with a book - apparently he felt I wasn't pulling my weight as there was still housework do be done. I decided not to care. I would carve out some time while the kids were doing homework, to just sit and read.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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coyote

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Re: How to cope with the stress?
« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2019, 02:15:05 PM »
Good for you Whiteheron. There is always "housework" to be done. But yes reading is a destressor for me also.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow