My buffering example

[Pepin]

I struggle with the truth about the PDs in my life through buffering.  Mistakenly I have shoveled more food into my body in hopes of making myself feel better.  And because of this, I feel that I am living less than a full life. 

My siblings and I have been honest with each other and some of our peers about NF -- and we have tried to tell NF how we felt about him.  But the one thing we have not tried is raw honesty.  To date I have not come out and admitted to NF: I cannot be around you because of the way your behavior makes me feel.  I just do not like you regardless of whether or not we are related. 

And I wonder what would happen if I did that?  Out of the blue, if I sent him a note saying how painful he is?  But I would not because it would start a raging fire.  Realistically the closest thing I can do is write it and light it on fire.

PDmil --  also a painful human being to endure.  I cannot go NC with her like I have with NF because of DH.  It is his mother.  I have never been honest with him about his mother either.  Every time he says something about his mother a voice inside me says: no, that is not true, stop deluding yourself about who she is.  I sense that I and others just stand around rolling our eyes because those closest to her let her get away with behaving badly -- and she has groomed them to be that way.

As a result of this ridiculous show, I eat.  I also believe that DH has been doing this for a very long time as well.  The only time in his life where he was fit was when he left for college.  He managed for years to stay fit and take care of himself.  After we married and moved closer to PDmil, his weight crept back on.  I feel really bad for him.  I work out and have been able to keep my weight stable....but I still eat a lot.  I may even eat more than DH. 

Sometimes I want to tell DH what I think about why he is so heavy...but I don't because I am afraid it will hurt him...sadly it is indisputable that the only conversations I have ever had with PDmil revolve around food?

Are you hungry?
Do you want more food?
I have a lot, take some.
Take more.
I grew a lot.  Take it.
I bought too much.
It was on sale.
Go ahead, eat more, too skinny.
Do you want candy?
Do you want ice cream?
I made you a cake.
I made chicken and will bring it over.
I bought a lot of chicken and only want the bones and dark meat.  Let me give you the rest.
I bought 50lbs. of X, let me give you some.
I don't need all of this, take some.
You are hosting us for dinner, let me bring something.  When I host, bring nothing.
etc.

Food.  Food.  Food.

How is it that food is the only topic she knows?  DH's siblings do not and have not had any weight problems EVER.  He is the only one stuck in the GC/SG combo and has been parentified endlessly.  I think until he can be honest with himself about the role he is in, he will never lose the weight.  And until I can be honest with him about PDmil's behavior, I too will not stop over eating.

When she is gone, both DH and I will have a lot of work to do to reclaim our bodies.  I just don't want to wait anymore though.

[RavenLady]

Hi Pepin. You sound like you have a lot of insight into your difficult struggle. I bet it will get easier as you keep taking good care of yourself.

I wanted to respond to your curiosity about how your NPDf would respond if you were honest with him. Don't know your F, obviously, but I can tell you how mine responded when I confronted him in a pretty mature way about his behaviors that hurt me. This was back when I was in the FOG but aware something was wrong and still trying to figure out what it was. (Namely, him, me, or both. The abuse was emotional and psychological, mostly covert. He's good at it.)

I thought if I explained very carefully how what he was doing hurt me, surely he would at least try to understand and respond like a responsible parent. Instead, his response clarified the picture for me. (T and DH and kind friends helped me see that by witnessing and interpreting parts of it too.)

What I received when I asked for compassion from my father was an impenetrable wall of invalidation. No empathy whatsoever. Disinterest. Like there was no there, there, where my own experience was. It's as if I wear an invisibility cloak when I try to define myself as other than him. I am an instrument for his ego, it seems, and had best know my place. Down, girl.

So, yeah, that was clarifying. It lead me ultimately to accepting his likely PD as a defining feature of our relationship and I am learning to adjust my behavior accordingly. It also hurt tremendously and I am still recovering from the gut-punch. I guess if you need clarity, it might be worth inducing the truth, which, indeed, has helped set me free. Better late than never. But beware: it hurts.

[notrightinthehead]

In my family food is also an issue. My mother and grandmother used it to show love, to calm anxiety, to stuff down anger.  I am aware that I learned that from them. In my extended family, we talk a lot about food, exchange recipes, share preserves, my cousins and I can even bore husbands out of the room with our talk of food. And our children are joining in now.  Those of us who have a reasonably normal figure tend to do a lot of sports, others carry a lot of weight. My mother did, was sad about that, and comforted herself with food...
As for the honesty issue, I don't know if that would solve the food issue. I certainly regret not having been braver and spoken my truth to the PDs in my life. Not because it would have made a difference in the relationship but because I would have faced my fear and stood up for myself instead of swallowing it down.

[1footouttadefog]

Don't wait for anyone to move, leave,  die, or change.

Forge ahead empowered by your self insight and take your life and health back one meal at a time.

Self care, empowerment, and progress toward the best you you can be.

[Pepin]

Don't wait for anyone to move, leave,  die, or change.

While this is easier for myself, it is not easy for my husband.  I don't know how to get through to him without causing a stir.  It is a challenge having a partner who is in the fog.  On a positive note though, PDmil has been unable to get food to us much anymore.  She did not grow much last summer due to her back pain.  I also have become quick to say NO when she offers to give us anything.  I am a grown woman who can shop and feed for her own family.  I cannot think of anyone that did this for us when I was young nor can I think of any friends who had grandparents or relatives constantly dropping off or supplying food.