Object constancy challenges as fleas

[RavenLady]

I think one of the things growing up with uBPDm and various other traumas (including multiple sudden tragic deaths of loved ones) have taught me, is that tomorrow is never promised, anything can happen at any time, and crisis is inevitable. Yay doom!

So I have been working on my hypervigilance. I also wonder if I have some challenges with object constancy. For example, I have learned in the years of my marriage to DH to repeat to myself his objectively verifiable positive attributes when I catch myself catastrophizing about our relationship: No, he is not going to walk in the door tomorrow and out of the blue announce he is leaving me. No, he is probably not going to drive into a semi truck. Yes, he is going to behave today more or less like he has every other day: like a reasonable sane human being who loves me and is doing his best, which turns out to be pretty great most of the time. Yes, he will listen to me when I say I need to talk. No, he won't suddenly start acting like he hates me. Etc.

With practice, I've gotten pretty good at this with him, and am able to at least proceed as if I am convinced he won't be turning my world upside-down in a jiffy, which is nice, because as we all know people consumed by the fear of abandonment can be awfully hard to have as loved ones. But I still kind of expect the sky to fall all the time and spend quite a bit of energy talking myself out of that. It doesn't help that genuinely awful things seem to keep happening in my life and those around me (natural disasters, health crises, financial collapses, etc.). I suppose that's life?

Anyway, I am trying to shed this flea from being raised by unstable PDs who still occasionally attack me for no good reason. Anyone else struggling with this? If you've made progress, what was that like?

[twobytwo]

Wow, RavenLady. I have struggled with these feelings for years and never - NEVER - processed that it could be a flea from growing up in an environment where constancy/emotional security wasn't guaranteed. I've just always assumed it was an offshoot of general anxiety/intrusive thoughts ... I think I've likely driven my husband crazy over our relationship with my (objectively baseless) worries that he's going to just up and leave me one day, that he's going to be a victim of a horrible accident, that one of us is going to be struck with a terminal illness, that he's secretly annoyed with me all the time and growing increasingly resentful, and on and on. He's been incredibly patient, and I've gotten SO much better about keeping these feelings to myself and rationalizing them away/talking myself down before they get to the point where they affect him or my interactions with him (though I still have lots to do on this front). But wow - what an aha moment just reading your post! Thank you so much for sharing and starting this discussion!

[stasia]

Like twobytwo, I have this issue too but never really thought of it that way. I assumed it was just my anxiety.

I have a lot of fears about Boyfriend dying or leaving me. My default assumption is that I'm annoying him and he wishes that I wasn't there - even when there is no indication that he feels that way. Lately, since we adopted a pair of kittens last fall, it comes out a lot like "I am going to come home and find one or both kittens dead."

I have a really hard time rationalizing these feelings even though I know they're crazy. I think underneath it is this feeling like I don't deserve anything good because I've gone NC with M, who is a waif and I know desperately needs/wants my help and support, as everyone else has run screaming from her. And before that, I felt that way because "If M isn't happy and can't have what she wants, why do I deserve to?" and also the fact that no matter how hard I tried, I never succeeded in making M feel better or fixing her life. I consistently refused to do what she really wanted - leave my job and partner, move into her house, and take care of her even though she is physically fine and does not need caregiving at this time. I have a lot of guilt about that.

I also grew up hearing M say that if anything bad happened to someone (cancer, injury, heart attack, job loss) it was God punishing them. Usually God punishing them for not helping HER enough. So, yeah, it's hard for me to not expect something horrible to go wrong in my life because surely the punishment for going NC is still "out there" and coming for me, right?

It's so messed up! Looking forward to reading how anyone else has overcome this.

[RavenLady]

Sorry you have similar struggles, twobytwo & stasia. I suppose at some point I'll run out of issues to connect back to uPD parents, but it'll probably take a few more thousand dollars of therapy first. 

I don't know that having "irrational" fears about loved ones viciously and suddenly betraying you is mutually exclusive with "just anxiety" at all...when young children don't get the emotional attunement and soothing they need, it lays the biological groundwork for anxiety later. And if your parent was someone who you could suspect might suddenly kill your sweet kittens  , all the more reason to have those suspicions of others who should be trustworthy elsewhere in life.

Thank goodness we can grow and learn to trust with effort, help and time. And thank goodness we can find partners who give us the space to do that. Here's to kind & healing human beings! 

[Marinette]

I can completely relate!
I frequently think of being abandoned by my husband. Also, when he travels for work  and I am alone with the kids, I am consumed by feelings of sheer terror and dispair that something will happen to him.  My husband loves me very much and always tells me that but my thoughts are very dysfunctional
In the stressful times and I can't trust that everything will be fine.
Needless to say, I grew up in an unstable home, with mother who had multiple PDs, potentially on a spectrum, with a lot of cognitive distortions, and very very emotionally volatile.
My father just excused himself from parenting duties and was rarely home.