Reeling from emotional abuse

[Sullenlady]

So thankful I have found this site. Been lurking, reading the toolbox/traits, and its a Godsend.

I have been married for less than 2 years to a man I strongly believe is NPD with histrionic tendencies. Have endured awful cycles of things being great, then suddenly sour for no reason other than percieved slights. This behavior started right after marriage. On the wedding night actually. Disappeared from our wedding party (we all thought he went to get a drink) then texts me that I should be with my new husband instead of with our wedding party.

Things just have ramped up from there.  I don't do enough, my job is the bane of our marriage, my hobbies are ruining our marriage (reading and video games) even the pets. I don't give him enough interaction or spend time with him, even though we go out weekly, chat all night about things. Sex every day except during my period (tmi sorry). It is never enough unless I revere him and tell him how wonderful he is 24/7. I am exhausted and frightened, and isolated as I moved 2 hours south to be with him.

He used to be fine for weeks at a time, lately its been every day, coming at me over nothing. Got 42 texts yesterday because he sat in my work parking lot and watched me get in my vehicle and make a phone call before leaving last week. Accusing me of lying about being at work etc. I showed my call log to prove I called to pay a bill, but it was to no avail, because I didn't tell him I used my phone before leaving work.

I feel like less of a human and more like a slave. I can never measure up. I am trying to get a plan in place for leaving, as I know this will never change. Right now I am just trying to MC and placate until I get things sorted to leave, and try not to succumb to the hoovering he is trying. (Money, cooking, giving me peace)

Thank you for reading, I welcome the advice you have to offer. I apologize if this was rambly!

[coyote]

Hi Sullen and welcome to Out of the FOG.
You have already been to the Toolbox it seems and that is a good place to start. It seems you have made your choice to end the relationship and that is all OK. If so you will want to check out the Separating/Divorcing page here. It may not be easy but it is possible to end a relationship with a PD. Yes the amount of abuse they heap on is tremendous and damaging. Using the Tools consistently can help mitigate the emotional damage. Garnering all the support you can will also help. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us.

There is a song by Paul Simon, "50 Ways to Leave You Lover." It was encouraging to me during an earlier divorce.

[openskyblue]

Sullenlady, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this with your husband. It sounds very difficult and damaging -- to you. It also sounds like your husband's negative behaviors may be increasing and that he is stalking you (going to your work parking lot and watching you.)

I'm glad that you are spending time with the toolbox and learning more about PD behavior and how you can protect yourself and preserve your presence of mind. In my experience, being able to hold onto yourself, not talk yourself out of seeing red flags, etc is critical to taking whatever actions needed to secure your safety and wellbeing. It's easy to accept PD behavior, explain it away to yourself --- especially at the beginning of a marriage, when you want to invest in your relationship with your spouse and feel like you are building something together. It sounds to me like you have a firm hold on some pretty clear vision. That's quite an achievement and powerful strength!

For what it's worth, it was my experience (and that of others here) that "things changed" with their PD spouses right after the wedding. In my case, my NPD exhusband changed at our wedding reception, when he told me to go f**k myself , because I thought was time for us to leave. (The caterers had broken down all the tables and loaded everything into their trucks.)  He wouldn't speak to me until the next day. That was our wedding night. 

Hang onto yourself. You are not alone.

[Sullenlady]

I want to thank you for the warm welcome and encouragement! It's so appreciated.

Trying so hard to keep my boundaries in place and not justify my every action. Very difficult to resist being continually baited.

It's all very sad, I've tried as hard as I can to prove my love,  on a daily basis, and it just deteriorates every single day and I'm unsure why. It's something that's never going to be understood.

Since the ramp up of this treatment, I have gone from loving my husband and wanting to keep working at it, to feeling indifferent and disgusted. I can see the "good behavior" for the ruse that it is, and am actually appalled that its taken so long for me to realize the problem doesn't lie with me not being a good wife, but with having a mentally ill husband.

I want the best for us both, unfortunately that means leaving as soon as I can get things in order,not falling for the hoovers, and admitting that no matter what I do, I cannot fix this in him.

Thank you for the song Coyote, and for the validation that I'm not alone openbluesky. Interesting that it seems typical to start right after the nuptials.

[coyote]

Yes it seems that a PD trait is to throw monkey wrenches in good things early on so they are not so disappointed later when their perceived abandonment happens. It's the "I hate you but don't leave me" issue. In fact I think there a book by that name that addresses this issue with PDs.

[Sullenlady]

Thanks for the tip on the book. I will look into getting a copy for my kindle! Seems like percieved slights, abandonment, and lack of affection is also common. What started out as "quirks", has grown into complete fabrications in order to justify crazy behavior and have a scapegoat to blame for it.

[openskyblue]

I'm reminded of a great country music song, "Go to hell...but come home tonight." Pretty much summed up my marriage.

In terms of books, Sullenlady, you might get some help from reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells." It helped me enormously.

[Sullenlady]

That song resonates a lot. Its very fitting. I'm going to check out your book suggestion also. So very thankful to have found y'all.