Helllppp!!

Started by Twinkletoes88, February 07, 2019, 03:59:28 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Twinkletoes88

Okay I need some advice from anyone that might understand as I'm currently head****ed and confused and stressed.

I had therapy Tuesday night and I drove home afterwards crying over the feeling that my mum was "gone" after two years of very low contact etc etc.... I then had therapy again today and cried when I got home over the fact that I wish it was different so badly. This is all a bit of a surprise actually because I thought the grieving period was done a while ago and I felt SO much better lately (as evidenced in my recent post "indifference").

Anyway, I'm cooking dinner tonight feeling a bit sad, down and fragile and she texts me .... long story short she says she and her husband are taking my sister out for dinner for her birthday at the weekend and so me and my husband want to come. This is the first invite in a VERY long time. It's also the first time she's even typed my husband's name. It's basically a total shock that she would suggest us all meeting up after the stuff that's happened the last year or so.

My husband is sitting here telling me not to be sucked in, not to be naieve, to remember everything I've learnt. He's saying it's weird she's suddenly doing this after such a long time and even our wedding(!!) in this period.

And now I'm confused because I know she's a narcissist, I know she's been AWFUL to me, I know she can't be what I want or need and I know her husband is an absolute.... well, you know. I also know my husband HATES her and won't want to see her/them.

I feel a pull to see them and make it all "better" and I feel so stupid because I know that's not real. I also know it's not how healthy people sort out huge issues like this. I can see it's a weak attempt to sweep it all under the rug.

It's hard to set this out in one post but hopefully the situation makes some sense. I am torn. Part of me wants to go and hope things can be made better and the other part knows better than that.

Help!

moglow

#1
My offer of help: If you accept this invitation, remember it's just dinner. Nothing has changed. I'm not saying that in a negative way, just that you still have to be realistic and accept the invitation for what it is.

As an old friend used to say "expectations are disappointments under construction." If you go into this with no expectations and your eyes open, you won't be blindsided. It could well be her way of dusting everything off or glossing over. Certainly a dinner for your sister is no time to discuss things, but an invitation after this long a silence? She's trying to play nice. You get to decide if you want to go that route or just decline the invitation altogether.

"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"Expectations are disappointments under construction." ~Capn Spanky, The Nook circa 2005ish

Twinkletoes88

Hey Moglow, thank you so much for replying. I totally know what you're saying about the dinner and taking it st face value etc but also I think it would be a way of brushing everything off and "starting again" like nothing has happened - and I just can't do that.

What possible motive could she have after so much has gone on and after such a long time? My husband is saying she must have one / I just don't know what that could be. Why now?? And why not deal with it properly?

I guess in the last ten mins or so I've at least decided that THIS dinner won't be happening and that if any dinner was to happen, a very serious conversation would be needed. But I haven't yet decided if that's what should happen anyway.

My head hurts!

moglow

#3
I believe your thoughts are spot on and I completely understand. I also think that trying to second guess her is just gonna make your brain hurt (more than it already is). Honestly, none of that matters. It is what it is and you can't possibly change it or her. You're only responsible for your own stuff.
"She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter
"Expectations are disappointments under construction." ~Capn Spanky, The Nook circa 2005ish

Twinkletoes88

Yep, you're right - of course.

My main issue tonight is how upset I feel that I wish it was that simple... that I am tempted (at least partly) - that makes me see how I'm not quite as far over this whole thing as I thought I was.

It's so tempting to accept the olive branch and remove so much awkwardness and nastiness ..... it's tempting to brush it off.... but it won't work and it won't be fulfilling. It's so hard.

WomanInterrupted

As far as explanations for your mom's sudden reversal go, I believe in sticking with the most simple one:  everybody wants the scapegoat to get back to being the scapegoat.

If you've flown the coop, that role *must* go to somebody else - your sister might even be feeling a little heat, or her DH (if she's got one), and that's simply *not* acceptable when YOU are the scapegoat.  :roll:

She could have other motives - I mean, who knows?  But the one I provided is probably close to the truth, or a part of the truth.

Personally, I wouldn't go - there's too much animosity between you, your mom's DH, your parents and your DH, and the whole situation just sounds AWKWARD - and best avoided, at all costs, especially since they have NOT apologized for the way they behaved at your wedding, for how they've treated you, and for how they've treated your DH.  Those are GIANT red flags, which tell me they want to sweep everything under the rug and pretend everything is just *lovely* - when it's anything but.   :P

Vivid Imagination said it best:  if it feels yucky, it IS.   :thumbup:

You don't owe them any other explanation than, "That doesn't work for us, but have a nice time!"

Entreaties or demands to know why are best *ignored.*  Asked and answered, now move along.   :ninja:

Just because they want something you feel may not be healthy, doesn't mean they're going to get it, if you stick to your *boundaries.*   8-)

:hug: