PD mom - funeral fun

[truthseeker4life]

Just had to vent. As there is no one who quite gets it as the people on this forum! PD parents are a special breed and speak their own language only deciphered by others who have been there.

Just came back from a visitation at a funeral home of a distant relative. I am ELC with my PD mom for over 2 years (as in we don't talk to each or see each other except on major holidays or when someone dies). My 3 sibs are still drinking the koolaid. So I am on my own basically standing up to her abuse and charade.

So I walk into this funeral home uncertain if she was going to be there - praying for strength if she was. I even tried to go at a time I thought she was less likely to go but no luck of course.

So I walk in and see her and my heart drops but I walk up to my aunt and uncle and kiss them hi (they have no idea I am ELC with my mom) and kissed my mom hi too (kills me but I can put on a show too so I don't make a scene). My aunt and uncle are really happy to see me. My mom acts like I am barely tolerable and ignores me except for a hi back.

I am introduced to others in this group with my mom, aunt and uncle and then I say a quick prayer at the casket, drop my sympathy card in the box and planned to be out the door.

When I basically make contact with the sisters of the deceased (quite a distance away from where my mom is at) and they are treating me like I am a real person and I'm relaying how I enjoyed his company (the deceased) when I went overseas with him in a family group way back in 2001.

All of a sudden my mom from across the room makes a b-line for my conversations with these sisters. She butts in and says "oh yes she was a travel buddy with him back in the day"!!! And then she says "I would go on the trip if a group went again".

Ok first off - she never calls or sees me - lives less 5 miles away - ignores me always except when she sees me being an independent person and interacting with others (control?! And needs to maintain the illusion of a good mom?).

And the bit about going on the trip should it be offered again? A very sad lie - when the trip happened in 2001 - she decided not to go with her me and my sister - it could have been a bonding experience but no - she stayed at home in case her ignoring covert narcisstic mom would die. Her mom was no where near death . She didn't die until 2007. She lived a very full and active life until she died very suddenly.

It's a very sick and sad story of how my mom put her mom on a pedestal - but her mom never contacted her (a totally one sided relationship - that's why mom mom actually says and believes "it is my job to have a relationship with her" as she's just copying what she had with her mom).

My mom would jump if she got a phone call from her mom as it meant someone had died (hence why I only get phone calls on my birthday and when someone dies). Very sad and sick. My mom has been trying to get the love of old ladies ever since (in the past when I was in contact) by turning down activities with her 2 young granddaughters so she can be of service to her surrogate old lady of the week. Literally she would turn down the opportunity to spend time with me and my daughters so she could help near strangers old women she had befriended from church!

Just sick of the lies - the charade - her painting herself to others that she even knows what is going on in my life.

When I was leaving and I said I needed to go to the sisters of the deceased- she butted in and said "yes - she has a very busy life!"

Maddening! 

Can anyone relate?

[RavenLady]

Oh my. You are reminding me of a beloved family member's memorial service, in a church, very solemn, very moving. Many tears, mine included. Not one to miss an opportunity for a great performance, uPDm gave a rousing speech from the pews about the utter spiritual perfection of the family member (a bit of a stretch, but whatever) and a divine revelation she had about that, all of which was so over the top you would think it was made-for-TV. An excellent show. It ended in, get this, an *eruption of applause.* Like, my mom got people clapping at a funeral. For my beloved ______. In a church. I don't even know what else to say.

[Groundhog Day]

  to great actresses specially at funerals. First of all BPD loves the attention, they seems to be victimized all the time, and those reunions either family funerals, weddings, graduations..,etc are always a moment for BPD to shine and sh*t disturb.

When my father was first diagnosed with prostate cancer years ago, PBDm said that whomever take care of a sick husband is the one we should pitty. So he never complained, endured the radiation which they had to travel 6 hrs away every Mondays and return back home on Fridays because she would not miss her dance. And she would drag my F to these dances and was pissed if he did not feel like dancing.

My BPD sister in law had a great speach at her husband's funeral claiming her love and devotion for him. How he was the love of her life...yaddy yaddy dah. Well 3 weeks prior to her husband passing, she had left him because he was too sick and was not able to work and could not give her $40 for her to go to bingo. He was bedridden when she left and as soon as she discovered from her daughter that it was cancer and he only had a few weeks to live she came back. She made sure that she would get any money that came from his life insurance, and  house. She made this great speach at the church about how great of a husband he was and he was going to be dearly missed. A week later SIL was on the internet searching for another man and would ask her 30 year old daughter to look at these men's profile. Our niece said it broke her heart, she just buried her F and BPDm was on the lookout a week later. Sold everything and never gave anything to her children and moved away to her new found boyfriend a year later.

These are examples of how BPD behaves. It's all about them. Selfish in their own ways. And these two women have not been able to keep another relationship with men since their husband passed. It always went sour but was never their fault. But they do want people to beleive that they are perfect, flawless. I can relate to your post Truthseeker4life. I understand your frustration with your M and you wanting to avoid her as much as possible. It would not matter what you say or do, she will have some negative comment to put you back in place. You have to brush it off and move on to positive thinking.   

[BreakAway]

Sounds very similar to my uPDM and I am also VLC (just weddings and funerals for me). Because I live far away (hallelujah) I don't have to see her or enabling uPDF on major holidays or anything. They make no attempt to travel and see me or my family, even though they travel quite a bit for other things. But there are extended family members that I care about and I decided that I would not cut myself off from them just to steer clear of the PD parents.

I went to my cousin's wedding last Sept and I could tell that my uPDM was very uncomfortable with my presence there. I knew it absolutely stuck in her craw that I was looking and doing well, with my husband of 25+ years and my adult children. Especially since GC sis just got divorced and was there alone. uPD M and F ended up leaving the reception rather early and then leaving the hotel very early the next morning, even though there was no real reason why they had to get back right away.

So now my aunt has died. The memorial is in a couple of weeks. When uPDF  called me to tell me she had died (this was his sister) he commented that he knew I probably would not be coming out and I wasn't that close to aunt -- not true. I spent quite a lot of time with her and her only daughter when I was young. I know he said that because he doesn't really want me to attend because he knows it will make uPDM uncomfortable. Well, too bad!  I am going because I want to be there for my cousin. I was the closest to her growing up and it isn't about them.

They also think it is my job to have a relationship with them. And for a lot of years I busted my ass to try, but whatever acceptance I could gain was very temporary and you start all over again. Not worth it. I'd rather focus on the people in my life that I enjoy and bring positive things into my life. I claimed my power over myself and my own life and I am thriving, and I think that is what they cannot deal with.