narc competition and need for comparisons

[JayBird]

I am just curious, I have always wondered the "why' behind my uNmil highly competitive nature to always be "one up", "higher on the hierarchy" etc..  She views her golden child as an extension of herself, therefore IMO, being super enmeshed in her daughter's life, she competes "by proxy".

Its bad enough that my uNmil compares my two children to the children of her GoldenChild. But my mil is so darn competitive, she compares my sil's dog to my dog.  You can guess who's dog is better? Yep, golden child's dog is better. We're talking dog one-upmanship.   

It just never stops with her.

[treesgrowslowly]

This behaviour drives me bonkers. As with all their behaviour, I think it ties to their lack of empathy. Non-NPD people who have a "nicer" dog or car or whatever, recognize that pointing this out can he hurtful and for no good reason.

Not ever really empathizing with others gives them license to say and do whatever feels good to them in the moment.  And they live off supply, not emotional affinity for others. They are not inhibited by a little thing like empathy for others. They often have nothing else to talk about either I've noticed. Their tv their cooking their tv shows, it never ends!  It's like talking to a 3 year old who is proudly showing you their favourite toys. And their reaction when you disagree with them is about that of a 3 year old too in my experience. Surreal...

[clara]

Their need for attention can be all-consuming and often they don't care how they get it.  It seems they are constantly looking for those moments when they can "one-up" you to the point where you wonder if their entire interaction with you consists of them looking for "those moments!"

[emu_oil]

My uNPD mom started competing with me and my sister when our adult teeth began forming. Our dentist advised us to get braces, but my mom insisted that we shouldn't get them. She claimed that braces were just a money-making scheme, and that we were better off with our "unique" crooked teeth. Same thing with our wisdom teeth: another money-making scheme that we weren't allowed to attend to. All of this would make a little sense if she never wore braces, and if she didn't get her wisdom teeth out. But she *did* wear braces when I was a toddler, and she got her wisdom teeth out as well.



She was competitive, but in a really strange way. It was all premeditated and too subtle for a young child to recognize and respond to. In terms of the golden child comparisons, I think a lot of PDs need to live through their children because they lack the self esteem to just be ok with who they are. Underneath all of that competitive energy is a broken individual who is miserable and ridiculously insecure.

[Malini]

I think it's also linked to a lack of self-esteem.

My enNdad would consistently one-up my brother instead of being proud that his son was doing well in life and be happy for him. Whenever my B bought a symbol of his success, our dad would go out and by a bigger and better TV, a bigger and better car. Just putting his son right back in his place and robbing him of any pleasure.

Made enNDad feel so much richer and powerful and turned any pleasure my B might have to ash. 

[Adria]

I'm sorry, but the dog one-upmanship made me laugh.  I needed that today

[candy]

I think, it is all about „winning“ a conversation, a competition and it is attention seeking behavior.

IME, whatever disease I have, anybody has, PDF has to win that competition. He‘s always had the worst illnesses. Like illness or disease were just annoying topics invented by the ill to take attention away from him. Another guy having cancer is the only disease that stops him talking.

NPDMIL does the same. Everything is about her and her extensions of herself.
Her GC‘s unborn child, first trimester, is already doing better than my and DH‘s toddler.
Her dog? She will brag about her dog and how well-trained he is with that exact dog standing in front of us with a sausage in his mouth he just stole from the kitchen.

A woman being pregnant? Poor woman is going to get unsolicited advice and listen to NPDMIL‘s countless pregnancy complications, miscarriages, etc. from 35 years ago that, in her mind, emphasize her being the world‘s greatest and most nourishing mother, the woman that sacrificed the most. I had a close friend ask me why the heck my MIL, who was a total stranger to her, would tell her health story on the occasion of a baby shower. Because the younger woman should know how special MIL was. And because every occasion shall be hold to praise MIL.

A healthy mind would spare out anecdotes or details that can possibly scare a pregnant woman. Like they would spare out possibly hurtful comparisons of people (kids, grandkids) or animals or objects.

I can only explain it with the lack of empathy and with the intrinsic need of people from the narcissistic spectrum to always win. It is like an entitlement to grandiosity, no matter if it is off topic or a lie, they just have to. It is their supply.

[Summer Sun]

Do they not realize what they are doing?  Like Malini, my narents one-up rather than being happy for any of my and DH's successes. 

At first, I thought it was kinda odd, until the copying was too obvious, to me.  I stopped communicating my purchases, or plans too, after it became apparent:

We bought a home!  So exciting for us.  Thought they'd be proud and happy.  Not a dime from them btw, thankfully. What they do?  Even said out loud they could not have the kids having a better house than them.  Yup, bought a more expensive house, they could afford it.

We painted the walls, the dining room, living room, entrance, family room.  After the viewing, no comments.  Next thing, narents are painting walls but have a "designer" consulting.

I bought some new every day dishes from Walmart just because I was bored with the decades old gas station freebies.  Yup.  Narents had to have new dishes too.

DH bought me a flute as I always wanted To learn how to play one.  He arranged for lessons.  Yup. UNPDM bought a flute and arranged lessons from a classically trained teacher. 

I felt hurt by all this and I did not understand it.  DH informed me it was based on jealousy.  Really???  How can a parent not be proud??  Why jealous??  It must come from a place of deep insecurity?

Summer Sun

[blacksheep7]

The dog one up....made me crack up too!   So childish, they always have to be one up, but to your kids???  Not very mature. 

I also think it's insecurity and low self-esteem.

And the copying of what you have OMGosh, it's difficult to understand sometimes, it's ridiculous.

When I announced my early retirement to my sister, all said was "well if you have the money".     
I could see that she was happy for me

[JayBird]

Candy- Yes, sadly I know this odder than odd form of competition: "Her GC's unborn child, first trimester, is already doing better than my and DH's toddler."

Also, as far as "competing by proxy", my pd uNmil was really really bothered by the fact that our next door neighbor's house was bigger than ours. Its as if she cannot fathom finding herself in situation where (gasp!) so visibly, another is living with more sq ft. It's almost like I can read her thoughts, "look, they have MORE than you! How can you stand it?"

Huh?  Makes no difference that DH and I are perfectly happy with our home.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes to all of this. All of my narcs are extremely jealous of the dumbest stuff. I was pregnant when my sister was trying on wedding dresses and she accuses me of stealing her show because the shop lady told ME congratulations. If you look cute, you're one-upping them. If you look frumpy, you get no end of criticism. No winning. You can't do better than them, but to others they brag about you to no end. Your successes are permitted insofar as they can be used to make them look good. The same kids that according to them shouldn't have been born are fair game for Facebook likes. Once I caught onto that game I made sure to dress them in outfits that were perfectly fine, but not up to "standard." So instead of spending visits with a phone in the kids' faces, they just stared at the phone themselves and ignored the kids. Big improvement.

[Pepin]

NF was the same and so is PDmil.  It is maddening and sad at the same time.  NF is out of my life so who knows what he is making up at this point.  As for PDml, some of her behavior is cultural -- but that is still no excuse and also abusive.  It seems that PDs have no understanding of the notion that people are unique.  PDs grasp onto whatever they can from others in a way to get attention -- or to place attention on others that they think they deserve -- i.e. the GC and all the GC kids.  It has even gotten as petty as the height of the grandchildren -- I mean, WHO CARES how tall the grandchildren are in relation to each other?  Apparently she cares enough to bring it up.  That is how little depth she has inside her head, which I find very sad.  When the grandkids were babies and toddlers PDmil would praise those that ate a lot and those who ate variation.  She had no praise for those that worked hard in school or those that excelled in activities that they liked.  She just could not and still does not relate.  But, finish a huge plate of food and she is so happy.     Really?  Life is about eating?  Hate to break it to you lady, but life is not about food.  The first grandchild graduated from HS a couple of years ago and she couldn't even get her fannie onto a plane or even figure out a skype chat to congratulate them... SMH.     

[chowder]

My mother was terribly insecure.  If there was ever a success on my part, she would do/say something to put a damper on it.  Yet she would brag to the neighbors about it. 

She would one-up me with stories of her GC.  I always felt she was competitive, and couldn't understand why.  She was jealous of me having a driver's license, can you believe it, because she never had one.  She would put me down, saying I needed to "feel the power" of driving a vehicle.  Uh, no, it was a necessity to get around and to go to work....but she never would accept that.

I can relate to the comment about a 3-year-old showing off their favorite toys.  I would drive to see my parents, and upon arrival I was immediately brought into the bedroom to see my mother's new dresses she had just bought....I wasn't even given a chance to sit down and relax after the long drive.  She never would look me in the eye and ask how I was doing.  It was all about her.

Even though she's gone now, this site helps shed light on behaviors and understand them....knowing I was not alone in my thoughts back then, and finally putting some sense to them.  Thank you!