Defending my vacation time

[Hattie]

Does anyone else struggle with family members trying to co-opt your vacation time? It is not lost on me that I am fortunate to 1) have a job , and 2) have paid vacation time. That being said, I find that it's quite a battle to spend my vacation time as I wish. I'm 37 and have been single now for a year. Every time I speak to my mum, she nags me about going on vacation with her. She will not own the fact that she would like me to spend time with her, and instead tries to make out that she is doing me a favour by taking me on vacation. This is not the case as there are other things that I would prefer to do.

Bless her, she is not getting any younger and I know she will not be around forever. It is also sweet on some level that she wants to spend time with me. But the fact that she tries to guilt trip me into going with her rather than just having a reasonable adult conversation about the subject makes it all rather difficult. When I do have time off from work, I tend not to tell my family , as this is the easiest way to spend it as I please without being hassled.

The latest is that apparently my uncle has booked a vacation but now cannot go, so would like my mum and i to take over his booking for him. Presumably so that he does not make a financial loss. He is an alcoholic who lives abroad, so I rarely see him and do not have a close relationship with him. it therefore irks me rather that I am been asked to help him out of this tight spot. The accommodation that he is booked is in a nice location, but is not really suitable for my mum and I as it is more designed for a couple.

I have a new boyfriend who is also keen to spend some of my upcoming vacation time with me. I would like to spend a couple of days with him, but don't want to spend a week or more.

What I would really like to do with my vacation time is hang out at home and re decorate my house! This has been a big project for me since splitting with my narcissistic ex, as the house became quite dilapidated during the end stages of the relationship when I was dealing with all kinds of emotional abuse. Improving my home environment feels like a really important act of self care, and will take time. Which I won't have if I spent my vacation time doing other things.

I know that basically I just need to set boundaries and do what I need to do. It just all feels rather exhausting . I had a very stressful week with three job interviews this week and I don't really want to be dealing with this. I have just received 9 text messages in a row from my mum about this holiday drama and I really just don't want to deal with it.

It just feels that for a long time now, I have given up my time, my money, and my emotional energy for other people and I am really just fed up of it . My vacation time is precious to me. I'm curious if others have dealt with a similar scenario, and how they handled it.

[moglow]

Remember that "No thank you" is a complete sentence. 😏  Make it clear that you appreciate the thought, but uncle can pass that along to someone else. I'd bow out at that point and shut down future comments about it. It's not a good time and you're just not interested in going to couples resort with your mother. That's their drama, not yours.

Maybe if you want to, offer a long weekend away with your mom? Make it a holiday weekend where you have to take no or minimal time off. Just a thought to maybe appease her but have your own time later. If it'll just fuel more of the same, then nah.

I learned a while back to just not mention vacation plans around mine - she's a wet blanket on the best of days, full of doom and gloom and recitation of tragedy in xyz (insert place name here). That's if she shows any interest in the first place. Otherwise she's repeating that she really wants to go to xyz but that drive and she won't get on a plane and there was this train incident years ago and ...  Me, I love a long drive but don't want to be trapped with the drama. So I make my plans, maybe tell her about it when I get back. Or not.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Hattie,

I hear you. I know that the standing up is exhausting, I feel the same way, when we've had narcissistic families, having boundaries can be really hard.

I have a new boyfriend who is also keen to spend some of my upcoming vacation time with me. I would like to spend a couple of days with him, but don't want to spend a week or more.

What I would really like to do with my vacation time is hang out at home and re decorate my house! This has been a big project for me since splitting with my narcissistic ex, as the house became quite dilapidated during the end stages of the relationship when I was dealing with all kinds of emotional abuse. Improving my home environment feels like a really important act of self care, and will take time. Which I won't have if I spent my vacation time doing other things.

It sounds like you know exactly what you want to do for your holidays.
This sounds like a golden opportunity to practice boundary setting with both your FOO and your boyfriend. Although its hard setting those boundaries, in my own case I feel better and more energized after doing it. If I go along to get along I feel drained and resentful. Sometimes its okay to just set a boundary via text or short email.

Best wishes! P.S. and your uncles booking etc. isn't your problem... wishing you well with your boundary setting and a happy holiday!

[Hattie]

Thanks for the replies, guys. I was feeling really anxious and depleted the day I posted this. In retrospect, I just felt too exhausted to set a boundary.

I gave myself some space for a few hours,then texted my mum to say that it wouldn't be possible for me to take the trip. She was actually fine about it to my surprise. Apparently my uncle can claim the money on his travel insurance so it was all fine in the end anyway. Goes to show that my impulse to "rescue" is often misguided as other solutions present themselves when I don't. I've reflected on how I want to spend my vacation for the coming year. In the end,I'm booking trips with my mum and boyf,and also allowing a lot of time for myself.  I'm glad i took the time to think things through, rather than reacting to guilt-tripping etc.

It helped to read your comments-thank you.

[JollyJazz]

Awesome! Good on you for setting that boundary! 
Part of my own legacy with PD upbringing is the rescue, difficulty with boundaries thing too, so I really relate. High five and enjoy your well earned break