Telling people to mind their own business

[CoffeeCup2]

Really getting annoyed with a particular person.

My relationship with uNPDx was full of abuse, like most are. However, the sexual abuse was something that will take me time to get through. 

I have a friend who keeps telling me my problem is that I am not getting "laid". That's why I'm frustrated at work, etc. I need to find a one night stand. Actually, I've been told this more than once.

First of all, I am not the type that just goes and has random sex. It has to mean much more to me than that. Secondly, a past history of abuse in this category doesn't make it easy in the first place.

I wish people would mind their own business, stop telling me to go out and find random sex, because that will solve all problems.

Rant over.

[moglow]

Maybe your friend is speaking for themselves?  I'd probably cut that off pdq and let the friend know how distasteful it is. It's time for friend to mind their own knitting, and you may have to just tell them.

[Summer Sun]

Or... you could just say... yes, I'm sure some random roll in the hay with a stranger will do wonders.  The shame and guilt would add a neat layer on top of it all.  If I'm real lucky, I'll catch a STD and have the memory of this great lay last a lifetime.  Hmmmnnn, on second thought, maybe you should have all the fun instead.

Seriously though, sorry Coffecup, sometimes people can be so insensitive, or perhaps just shallow and unthinking. 

[CoffeeCup2]

Thanks, this behaviour reminds me of my ex, and is personally a huge turn off to me. People who are just perverts, for lack of a better term. Everything revolves around sex.

[moglow]

I see it more as immaturity, and a lack of thought in general. That someone keeps bringing this up is a reflection on them, not you.

There was a group I used to spend time who did something similar. The most innocuous comments were turned into juvenile sexual innuendo or outright sex jokes. I'm no prude but when nearly every conversation is turned around that way, no thanks. Note, I said I *used to* spend time with them ... I realized I'd rather read a book than listen to that Beavis and Butthead type of humor.

[Whiteheron]

I agree 100%. My mom and sister (narc but not PD) were apparently discussing my situation and came to the conclusion that my divorce would go a lot faster if I got myself a boyfriend. I was speechless when I found out. That's just what I need...a man to make it all better

[Spygirl]

Yikes,

Im so sorry thats happened to you. Thats pretty horrendous. Youve been thru so much already, and i have noticed how much better youve been doing the last couple months.
I have had a bit of this interaction too. Its been interesting to me. Seems whatever worked for someone else, is what they recommend to others. People have suggested random sex(yuk, and scary) dating sites, drinking, shopping.  its curious.

I personally decline self destructive behavior, and say such. If i wanted to add more strain and anxiety to my life i would get back with the ex. I had to see him yesterday. He is good at reminding me why i left.

[all4peace]

How about "My sex life is not going to be a topic of conversation. So, how about them (local sports team)?"

[openskyblue]

 

I'm a big believer at turning the uncomfortable question/statement of advice back on the person asking it. My go-to response to suggestions such as this or prying questions is to say, "Why do you ask?" or "Why do suggest that?" Then the person says whatever they say, and I don't say anything or I give a bland "Hmmmm" response (with MC face).

Seriously, no one has the right to sum up the solution to your life challenges with a meme. Sorry you had to be on the receiving end of such a silly suggestion.

[1footouttadefog]

I personally don't understand why so many consider a casual encounter to be a solution instead of see g it as adding fuel to a fire.

I know a woman who is dealing with the aftermath math of being married to a sociopath for over a decade.  She did the casual thing a couple of times since separating

It has brought huge issues, every time. 

I also dont understand how here is not more disease than there is already.   I had another female friend a few years back who went all casual relationship after separating from her spouse.  I don't think either got tested or exchanged testing details with the new partner

[Alwaystoblame]

Just say " My vajajay doesnt need coaching, worry about your own".
Theres an old saying that to get over a man you need to get under another. The people making these suggestions dont understand what is really going on and probably wont unless something similar happens to them. I would be very blunt the next time it is brought up.

[1footouttadefog]

Wow how insensitive.  It is amazing to me that some people exist in a plane where sex is the measure of all and seemingly any source is a cure all for all that can go wrong in life.

This person apparently does not view either themselves or you as a mulidimensional person.

Shallow?

[newlife33]

One of my newest big red flags for spotting people who are unhealthy is when anyone tries to give me unsolicited advice or ignores my basic requests and needs.  Sounds like that person is projecting their insecurities onto you, another unhealthy move.

[CoffeeCup2]

Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me either. I'm sure there's multiple acquaintances of mine who think I'm really weird for not going out and having sex, being without sex for so long, not craving a one night stand, etc.

I invite them to truly experience the sexual abuse I had to endure with uNPDx. Not just one encounter, but multiple ones over seven years. Not just the physical sexual abuse, but the mental and emotional abuse that were tied to the physical intimacy as well.

I'd like them to remind me how someone using me as a means to satisfy themselves is going to solve my apparent "issues" or bring much needed joy into my life when this is the exact same thing I dealt with in my relationship with uNPDx. Being used.

[athene1399]

I am so sorry you are going through this. And if you've said to this friend I'm not comfortable with doing that or talking about this, and they still don't drop it then they are not a friend. Maybe you're frustrated at work because your job sucks or you don't like some of the people there. And not everyone needs sex to get by. Assuming you would need/want that is definitely annoying. I hate when people assume things about me because they are always wrong.