I found one of my old journals.

[stasia]

From the time when the social workers were forcing me to caregive M and F, 11 or so years ago. I shouldn't have read it, but I did, and what I'm left with is, "Why in hell did I stick around and continue to help M for almost another 10 years?! Why did I not run screaming right then?" (F died about a year after that whole situation; it'll be 10 years since his death next month.)

Some highlights (lowlights?), which I'm paraphrasing:

"I am working SO hard to try and solve things for them, there is SO much paperwork all the time and SO many phone calls to make and I'm bleeding money trying to keep all their prescriptions paid for because they can't afford them - and she is giving me absolutely NO help or support. All she keeps telling me is everything that I am doing wrong. She will not take one single step forward to help herself. Everything I suggest is immediately shot down and then she starts crying and telling me I don't understand. And everyone else keeps telling me that I have to MAKE her do what's necessary for her and F's care. I don't know how to do that."

"What's the correct response when your mother is telling you over and over again that you should have just let her die instead of calling 911 and getting her the medical care she needed? Because I don't know what to say."

"I came into the house and M ambushed me right at the door; I didn't even have my coat off yet and she was already screaming about how I had to hurry up and change F's diaper because he was covered in poop. I am so repulsed by having to scrub my father clean at least 3 times a day, but if I don't do it then he sits in a dirty diaper, which is neglect, so what choice do I have?"

"Just had the worst fight I have ever had in my entire life with M. My T said that I needed to set boundaries. So I told M that I'd like a weekend day off from caregiving now and then so that Boyfriend and I can spend time together. And that at some point I needed to get back to my own life. She blew up. She said I was only thinking of myself. She said that I can get back to my own life when she's dead. She said that after she's dead I can have fun again, and travel, and spend time with Boyfriend, and just go on my merry way because I won't have her around to worry about any more. But that until then, she comes first."

I should have known then that there was something very wrong with M. Why didn't I? Why did I just accept all of this as reasonable behavior from her because she was sick and old and broke, and blame myself for not wanting to give up my life, and for not being able to get her to take action to get her and F better care that is not me?

Somewhere in that journal was also an incident where Boyfriend gave me an ultimatum that he couldn't wait around forever for me while I spent all my time catering to M, and that I needed to work harder and move faster at getting them care so I could come home. And me being pretty hysterical about that because I was trying SO HARD but I couldn't make her do anything as she was competent, and the social workers were making frequent unannounced visits because of the abuse complaint against me so I didn't dare leave them alone, and meanwhile my and her money was all running out. One might ask, why didn't he help? That would be because M told him to get the @#$% out of her house and never come back, because he called her a hoarder to her face. He wasn't allowed in, and I didn't have enough spine to tell her that we were a package deal.

I don't think I've ever felt more hopeless in my entire life. I was trying so hard but I couldn't make anything happen, there was no forward movement going on, everyone - M, F, Boyfriend, my job, social workers - was unhappy with me, and I had no idea what to do. Honestly, given the abuse complaint I'm not certain what I COULD have done. As people have pointed out to me here, once you're in the house and have taken on the role of caregiver, you can end up stuck unless you can find a replacement. And there wasn't the money for that, nor would she agree.

At any rate, reading this left me with the very strong feeling of "I will never let this happen to me again." It reinforced my decision to go NC, not that I've been thinking of breaking it. I'm terrified, daily, of social workers showing up at my door, grabbing me by the ear, stuffing me into a car, and dropping me off at M's house with the directive "you must caregive her." As irrational as this sounds. But reading this reminds me why I HAVE to say no.

[Psuedonym]

Good lord, stasia,

I went through a fraction of what you did when my enF was dying and my uBPD m had an ongoing tantrum/meltdown and it was the worst experience of my life. I can't even imagine what you went through. I am familiar with 'there's nobody else to do it so you have to', trapped, nightmare feeling, but I never had to be a caregiver or pay for everything. You are an amazingly strong person to get through that, and know that nobody can make you take care of your mother. They can try to shame you into it, but that's about all they can do, and you're too smart to fall for that one.

[RavenLady]

  Yet again, What Pseudonym Said. Especially about you being incredibly strong.

This sentence really jumps out to me: "I'm terrified, daily, of social workers showing up at my door, grabbing me by the ear, stuffing me into a car, and dropping me off at M's house"...because it reminds me SO much of an abuse experience recounted to me recently by a loved one. They had a really traumatizing history of a PD parent grabbing them by the ear to drag them places that were awful for my loved one. This continued until the day my loved one, finally old and strong enough, grabbed the PD parent's wrist and threatened to break their hand if they ever grabbed their ear again. 
Threats of violence ain't generally my cup of tea, but just saying...it worked. No more ear-pinching and dragging for my loved one. And that boundary was the beginning of their disconnection and ultimate liberation from that PD parent's abuse. Changed their life.

Just wondering if that fear of yours might tie right back to similar abuse by your PD parent? It's certainly the kind of thing we learn to fear as abused kids.

So sorry for all of it. You deserve/d better.

[Amadahy]

Stasia,

You've come a long way, baby!  That time sounds so dark and scary....I'm so sorry!  I was the same....didn't even realize I had choices until I finally couldn't take anymore. 

Enjoy every day! You deserve it! 

[Yael924]

Oh, Stasia how frighteningly difficult.
I agree that you must be just a incredibly strong, moral, and ethical person to survive that with any shred of self left.

Reading it ( had to put it down and walk away twice) all I could think is if that had been me, I'd have been in jail or in an asylum. I just admire your perseverance so much.

It's over now. Please be wonderful to yourself.

[stasia]

Good lord, stasia,

I went through a fraction of what you did when my enF was dying and my uBPD m had an ongoing tantrum/meltdown and it was the worst experience of my life. I can't even imagine what you went through. I am familiar with 'there's nobody else to do it so you have to', trapped, nightmare feeling, but I never had to be a caregiver or pay for everything. You are an amazingly strong person to get through that, and know that nobody can make you take care of your mother. They can try to shame you into it, but that's about all they can do, and you're too smart to fall for that one.

Thank you for saying that, and for the reminder that no one can MAKE me go back to her and care for her. The key, from what others on this forum have told me, seems to be not getting involved in the first place (because if you ever move into the home, as I did, and start taking responsibility, you're on the hook for abandonment if you just leave without someone else lined up).

It's like.... sometimes I think "oh, it's just caregiving, a lot of people have to caregive, I made a big deal out of nothing and it really wasn't that bad." Then some memory hits me - or I'm faced with tangible proof like this journal - and I remember, no, it really WAS that bad. I'd forgotten about the line "you can get back to your own life when I'm dead." I'm actually glad I wrote that down, because I remember that fight but I don't remember everything said, and that is a SUPER toxic thing to say to your own kid. I'll file that away with "Your life isn't real and your problems are not real problems," and "Instead of being insulted that I want to kill myself, you need to think about why I feel that way and what you can do about it" in my "reasons to be NC" file.

Just wondering if that fear of yours might tie right back to similar abuse by your PD parent? It's certainly the kind of thing we learn to fear as abused kids.

Physical abuse was one thing that neither parent ever did to me. So I don't know why that mental image of being bodily forced into a car and dragged kicking and screaming to M's house is so clear to me. Even the social workers never did anything like that. They just made a lot of threats.

Stasia,

You've come a long way, baby!  That time sounds so dark and scary....I'm so sorry!  I was the same....didn't even realize I had choices until I finally couldn't take anymore. 

Enjoy every day! You deserve it! 

Thank you - yes, it was a very dark time and there are actually big chunks of it that I don't clearly remember. I mostly remember feeling helpless and hopeless and trapped like a rat.
I didn't realize I had choices until I started doing a lot of therapy and found places online like this and other forums that taught me that NC might even be possible.

Oh, Stasia how frighteningly difficult.
I agree that you must be just a incredibly strong, moral, and ethical person to survive that with any shred of self left.

Reading it ( had to put it down and walk away twice) all I could think is if that had been me, I'd have been in jail or in an asylum. I just admire your perseverance so much.

It's over now. Please be wonderful to yourself.

I admit that that period of time was the only time in my life that I've ever considered suicide. I honestly don't know how I got through it - on top of all that, Boyfriend lost his job during that time, and I was barely hanging on to mine as I'd been put in charge of a project with unmeetable deadlines. I was working remotely, usually in the middle of the night when F and M were (usually) asleep and therefore did not need hands-on care. I honestly don't know how I got through it.

At some point M's physical health improved and she was deemed healthy and competent enough to go back to being F's full-time caregiver. And then I was mostly off the hook, at least for the hands-on stuff and diapering and such. After that it was all trying to prop M up emotionally, be her unpaid therapist, listen to her cry, try and solve her unsolvable financial problems while she fought me at every step - you know, stuff that probably most of us with a PD elder have to deal with.

And yes, I have to keep reminding myself: It's over. It's likely that I'll be threatened with it happening again, but at least now I know that saying no is an option. I didn't know that then; officials told me it was my job and I believed them. I'll just need to stay NC, which doesn't bother me one bit, I'm really enjoying the peace.

[WomanInterrupted]

You really are a lot stronger than you think, and FAR more resilient than you realize!   

I don't think I ever mentioned this, so I'll do it now:  when the Visiting Nurse called to tell me Ray's mail and papers were piling up, the lights were on, the dish washer was open, and his OJ and milk were on the counter, but he wasn't answering the door - could I come over and let her in?

YOU were the first person I thought of and the primary reason I said, "I can't do it.  You'll have to call the police and have them break in.  But here's the alarm code, so it doesn't go off."

I thought of YOU and kept myself *here.*   

With me being out of the picture, APS made the call that he HAD to go to the hospital, even though he kept trying to get off the gurney, claiming he was "fine."

He wasn't "fine."  How "fine" can you be, with a grade 4 pressure ulcer on your hip!?   

I wasn't sure *what* they were going to find, but I knew I needed to be *nowhere near there*, for whatever reason - I'd either be in the way, or be unable to answer questions when I had very little to do with Ray, and I was NOT going to take a chance of being stuck in that house with him, and told I couldn't leave!   

Things would have turned out exactly the way they did, if I had been there, though - but there would have been a *hellacious* fight to get Ray to listen to the man from APS and *go to the damned hospital, where he belonged!* - AND I wouldn't have to clear my name of any charges, because of Ray screaming, "You're supposed to be taking care of me!"   

I doubt much would have come of that, but who needs the added stress?

I sure don't! 

This forum saved my sanity, many, many times - but YOU were very much on my mind that day, so THANK YOU!   

You finding that journal is why I think journaling is *so* important - just in case you ever start downplaying what happened (Was it really that bad?  Would being her caregiver be that hard?) - you can see, in your own words, that it would be a *catastrophically BAD idea* to even consider it.

Sometimes I look at my own journal (I've had one in Word, since 1998), and wonder why the hell I didn't go NC with Didi and Ray back in 2004.  Ray had a heart attack and Didi ran me ragged for nearly a month, because I didn't know what boundaries were - I just let her do it, and all she did was gripe that I wasn't doing enough, spending enough time with her, I didn't CARE about her, and everything I did was WRONG!

It took 8 more years, and me coming here, before I realized what was going on and what boundaries were - and I've never regretted a second of reclaiming my life.   

I'd keep that journal tucked away, and if a social worker ever calls you, trying to use FOG to get you to go over for an  hour a week - she's your MOTHER!  Don't you CARE!? - look at that journal, take a DEEP breath and tell that social worker, "NO."   

Reminders from the past are *important.*  We're NOT crazy.  We didn't imagine it.  And YES, it WAS that bad!   

I'm sorry you went through the hell you went through - but I'm glad you kept a record of it.

Your own words confirm what you already know - she's toxic.  She's a nightmare.  She'll bankrupt you.  She'll take you down with her, throw you to the wolves and not even care, as long as *nothing ever changes in her little world of chaos manufacture.*

You can't save her - she's mentally ill and so much so that she's a lost cause - but you saved YOURSELF.

And THAT'S the most important thing of all!   

[spring13]

Stasia, I know it was hard for you to read everything you have shared here, but I am glad you did, because hopefully it reminded you that you are absolutely right to be NC and you don't deserve any of the abuse you have suffered.

I honestly think the social worker you interacted with was abusive too. I remember hearing your story and, like WI, it was in my mind when my uNPD/BPDm was trying to feel me out as a possible caregiver before GC bro came through for her. It helped me keep my boundaries up which can be difficult at times.

You are incredibly strong. I am very happy you are protecting yourself!!

[stasia]

WI - thank you for sharing that. It means SO much to me that some good came out of what I experienced - that my horror show of forced caregiving helped you to stay strong, and ended in a good outcome for you regarding Ray.

I am glad I wrote it down too. There are huge chunks of that time that I don't remember clearly, beyond an endless cycle of dread and fear and panic and my father's endless diapering needs. It helps to be able to look back and remember that I'm not crazy and this did happen. Someday when I'm feeling stronger I'll read over the parts that I wrote while my father was dying, and after he died. I'm sure there are some real gems in there too that can go on my "Why I am NC" list. 

spring13, everyone whom I've told about what happened - including 3 different therapists - told me that the social workers were abusing their power and just plain did not want to do their jobs. I try and remember that when I feel fearful that they're going to force me to do it again. Some things that they told me really stick in my memory, though, so it's hard.