Déjà vu - the Third Act

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practical

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Déjà vu - the Third Act
« on: February 09, 2019, 07:19:56 PM »
What is it about “The Funeral” and PDs?

So M prohibited me and B to come to the funeral by lawyer’s letter and thought it was the ultimate punishment. We were only going to be readmitted if we shaped up, meaning willing to take her abuse without complaining again.

F told me he would maybe talk to me in heaven again and I think has set it up so we won’t know when he dies or gets buried. He already had made secret arrangements about his funeral while still talking to us. He also has had a list of people (friends, relatives) who were not allowed to come to his funeral for years, I assume B and I are on it now.

Now MIL called DH and told him off, including he should not come to her funeral, because he had refused to take anymore of her abuse.

What is that thing about the funeral? And why do they think it is a punishment? Is it because it is the last thing they can do to us in their minds other than disinheritance? Wielding power and abuse beyond the grave so to speak? Is it because they think it is a public display how they are shunning us beyond death, that the whole public will see what horrible children we are?

Sure, being told you are not invited to the funeral hurts in a way, but not because it is about the funeral, but because it is abuse. When I got the lawyer’s letter for M I wasn’t heart broken that I wasn’t supposed to show up at her funeral, I was hurt because of the latest version of her abuse.

M’s funeral was just B and SIL, I didn’t feel like going to the funeral of my abuser, it had nothing to do with her letter. F’s is just going to be him and his new N supply source, and I won’t be upset either, I’ll be relieved that no more abuse can come from this source. MIL’s we might go to for support for DH’s siblings, but not for her.

And also why do they think when they yell at you full of venom that will accomplish what they want? That you will come back and take their abuse while being their servant? Is it because it worked when we were kids? When we were dependent on them and appeasing them was a sad survival skill? Because they still haven’t understood that we are adults now, we are independent, have free will and don’t need to take any of this crap anymore if we no longer feel like it?

It is like “Déjà vu” - “The Third Act” and I’m so darned tired of it (on the bright side, most plays only have three acts, so this should be the final one  :roll: ). MIL has been exploding like a mushroom cloud the last few weeks, which is why we stepped further back - not that she hasn’t been abusive for years and there have been times of NC and otherwise VLC. Like my parents she threw her last filters out with a bang and is screaming “This is who I am, I have a right to be this way and you as my child have to take it, you owe me!” The good news is, not only were we uninvited from her funeral, we are also not allowed to ever talk to her again, which we hadn’t planned on anyway, but hopefully this means she will leave us alone. Going forward hopefully all our “contact” will be support for DH’s siblings, and technical stuff to make sure she gets the necessary care.

Fortunately this is the last elderly uPDparent we have, so maybe we will be done sooner or later? I really need a rest, a long, looooooong break from vitriolic PD issues or really any PD issues!
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Andeza

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2019, 07:46:24 PM »
Prohibited from going to a funeral, wow.

It's like some sick play to keep the abused child from seeking closure. Except, they don't realize that we've already pretty much grieved the relationship.

You mentioned wondering if the yelling had to do with the fact that they can never see us as adults, and I believe that's a huge part of it. Their minds, especially as they age, seem to revert back to the idea that we are just naughty children requiring more discipline, yelling, and having things (like funerals?) taken away from us to knock us back into line. Using verbal and emotional punishments since we're a bit too big to hit anymore. (Unless your PD person is particularly crazy.)

I don't think they realize that they are actually, really, honest to goodness going to die at some point, and that most likely they will never have the satisfaction of getting their way. Kinda sad... until you remember all the crud you've already had to put up with. No, I think they still think they're immortal.

I really do hope the drama subsides for you!

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Psuedonym

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2019, 08:15:31 PM »
Wow, practical. I think that's the most self-centered PD thing I've ever heard: You can't come to my funeral!

I've heard more than one psychologist say that they don't mature emotionally much beyond a 5 year old. It does sound a lot like a 5 year old's punishment of 'well, you can't come to my tea party!' So there.

This one's a real head scratcher: And also why do they think when they yell at you full of venom that will accomplish what they want? That you will come back and take their abuse while being their servant?

Mine has been on a campaign to convince my BF that I have always been crazy, unbalanced, and a liar (great strategy) and then asks why I'm not visiting. I wrote a  long letter calling her out on her behaviors; she is now claiming that I did all of those things, not her.  :stars: Last time BF suggested she apologize and change her behavior she exclaimed, "MY BEHAVIOR?? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY BEHAVIOR! I'M NOT GOING TO LIE!"

Okay then. As the great Carla on Cheers once said to Cliff Claven, "What color is the sky on the planet you live on?"

 :bighug:


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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2019, 03:25:53 AM »
It's crazy, isn't it?   :stars:

And I think Pseudonym hit the nail on the head - it's like a child saying, "You can't come to my tea party, so there!"

You can't play with my Barbies, so there!

You can't play with my Tonka trucks, so there!

I don't think they can actually operate on an adult level, and think that old programming will still work, because that's all they've got left.

There's nothing else but verbal abuse, threats to be disinherited, and you can't come to my funeral, neener-neener-nanny-nanny-boo-boo!    :roll:

We aren't small children who can be grabbed by the arm and dragged into the house.  We can't be locked in our rooms, without supper.  They can't GROUND  us!  They can't take away the car keys, or our TV or internet privileges!  They can't take away our phones, wash our mouths out with soap, or threaten us with, "Wait 'till your father comes home!"

All they can do is hurl WORDS - nasty, hateful, vile, abusive WORDS at us. 

Words have no power, if we *allow* them to have no power.   :yes:

If  I were your DH, I'd just take it at face value and probably go NC with her - or ELC. 

There is *no* relationship when it's based on power and control - and that's what your MIL wants, but isn't getting, so no funeral for you!   :phoot:

I think the yelling at you, full of venom thing goes back to our childhoods, when we'd quake with fear and do just about *anything* to make it stop, because we knew what was coming next - MORE abuse.

We'd *appease.*  We'd *placate*.  We'd *bargain.*  We'd *beg.*  We'd figuratively roll onto our backs, show our bellies and pee on ourselves and promise to do something - anything! - just to make it STOP.

They don't have that power over us now - and they can't *stand it.*

I think it's also a comfort zone for them - dump on the (ADULT!) child, pretend nothing happened in a week or so, and carry on like everything is sunshine and roses, until she doesn't get her way again - then it's more ugliness.

But if she makes a reasonable request and your DH broaches the uninvite to the funeral, she'll probably say it was a joke, she was having a bad day, or he was pissing her off, but that's the past.    :roll:

You just can't win - and when you can't win, playing is like hitting your head against the wall, over and over again, and expecting something other than a giant bruise, a headache, or possibly a concussion.

The wall will be exactly the same - but you won't.

 :hug:

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Amadahy

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2019, 10:51:05 AM »
I swear I think some of these PDs think they'll be floating around in the ethers, barking their orders, forcing obedience and a pretense of care.  It is the eternal craycray.   :stars:

My non PD dad, who could be funny, used to say of the dearly departed who were hateful, "I'd love to dig em up and kill em again!"  :aaauuugh: I understand that! 

:hug:
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Bloomie

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2019, 11:24:36 AM »
Practical - Attempting to control from the grave is what we call this. I am always a bit flabbergasted by the assumption we were going to go to their funeral in the first place.. or arrange it, or tend to all of the painful tasks a funeral and the rest entails. :doh:

We have an extreme on the opposite side of the pendulum with uPDmil. She has been planning and orchestrating her "after party" as we call it for 3 decades. Pages of details and instructions including a seating arrangement for the church (I will be seated in the second row because I am not "blood") :bigwink: and a guest list, images to use, on and on it goes. All in pencil of course because people fall in and out of favor or just plain pass away and everything has to be reworked and talked about ad nauseam.

It is the ultimate in self absorbed malignant narcissistic behavior in our case and is consistent with the objectification of family members as chess pieces. Though not "blood" and delegated to the second row, I have been pencilled in for a significant role that day (though not in real life relationship) because it is something I am able to do and she likes the "optics" of me doing this part. I am asked fairly regularly if I will be able to overcome my grief on that day and still do this thing she has appointed for me and me alone.  :blink:

Another display of grandiosity and the level of detachment from reality that I cannot wrap my mind around. And yes, the latest version of abuse and the latest reminder that love is absent. I am sorry that this is happening again! :hug:
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lkdrymom

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2019, 12:55:17 PM »
My take is that they want to scandalize you.  YOU didn't show up at their funeral, you must be a terrible person.  No one will know you were banned.  Funerals are a big social gathering for the elderly crowd.   My BIL is 80 and gets so upset when my husband who is in his 60s and still works does not drop everything to attend a viewing an hour and a half away after work for someone he hasn't seen in 30 years.  To him it is unheard of.  My parents did not attend my grandmothers funeral because they were away on vacation.  That and she was very difficult to deal with and they were just DONE with the whole thing. Boy did the old biddies there rake my father over the coals for not being there.  The people there did not know of the million things my parents did for my grandmother just the one thing they didn't do. I am sure they were the subject of vicious gossip by people they did not know  for year. Who cares?

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2019, 02:27:00 AM »
Attempting to control us from beyond the grave - oh boy, does THAT bring back memories!   :wacko:

When I was small, Didi had a list of people in her jewelry drawer - all "enemies" - and she made me swear, over and over, that when she was dead, I'd track down all those people and either write them letters, giving them a piece of her mind, or I'd call them and do the same!   :blink:

The last time I saw the list, I was twelve - and it was now *five full pages*, but also included addresses and telephone numbers, to make things easier for me.   :roll:

And yes, again, I promised I'd do her dirty work, because knew what would happen if I said no.

I knew I never would follow through, but figured she'd be dead and wouldn't know.   :bigwink:

When I was cleaning out her dresser, I was afraid I'd find that list, but it was gone - probably because many of those on the list had died, which to Didi, would have been the ultimate revenge - she's still here and you're not, naaaaaayaaaaah!   :phoot:

They both had prepaid, preplanned funerals, and said it was to make things easier for me, but it really was their way of saying they didn't trust me to pull off a funeral or do anything right.   :roll:

The plans and arrangements also showed me how massively over-inflated their egos were, because everything had to be the best, or top-of-the-line, or the most expensive and elaborate options.   :aaauuugh:

Didi had THE most expensive casket they made, then claimed she hated it, and didn't know how she was supposed to rest in it.

Ooookay then...  :blink:

I suggested she pick another, but she called them all shit, and suggested *somebody* should start looking around for a snappy purple casket for her, buy it and have it shipped to the funeral home.

That somebody was me - but I played stupid and told her to check with the funeral home; they should be able to order what she wanted.  To my knowledge, she never did.

She had an *elaborate* funeral, booked for the entire church and flowers WERE accepted (and expected!) *but* the funeral was moved to the chapel portion of the church (very small), because so few people were there, and Didi was carted to her (I shit you not) *marble mausoleum* right after.

Of *course* it's  marble mausoleum.  Why would I ever expect anything different?   :doh:   :roll:

Did wanted to be buried in the dress she wore to my wedding, and expected me to do her eyebrows, because she just *knew* the mortician wouldn't get them right.   :dramaqueen: :barfy:

She also expected me to sneak the room box she'd made of her boyfriend, in his attic, out of the house and into the casket, somehow - and it wasn't small.  It was at least 18", on all sides, and rather heavy.   :stars:

None of those things happened - I wasn't about to go over and look for the dress, so she's resting in a blue monstrosity from the 60's that I know she *loathed* (but being a hoarder, wouldn't part with!), and a fugly brown sweater, that Ray chose.  I don't know who did her eyebrows or if they were right, and the room box went to Amvets.   :ninja:

And I stayed *home.*  I couldn't be arsed to go.  I told Ray I was "overwhelmed" with emotion - his kryptonite (now that Didi is gone, nobody is allowed to have feelings except him) - but I didn't tell him the emotion I was overwhelmed with was ELATION.  The reign of terror was OVER!   :yahoo:

Now that Ray is in a memory care unit, due to Medicaid involvement, I had to make his prepaid funeral irrevocable, meaning the state gets any money left over from the funeral (instead of me being the beneficiary) - and there will be quite a tidy chunk of change going to them, because I made quite a few changes:

No wake.  No service.  He's to go from the nursing home to the mortician, who will do whatever state-mandated embalming is involved, and chucked right into the mausoleum with Didi, no muss, no fuss, no drama.   :ninja:

The funeral director  was *really* surprised, and seems like he thinks he's going to change my  mind when the time comes, but he won't.  This is a no-frills death, for a man nobody can stand - and some may even still fork the sign of the Evil Eye at the mention of his name!   :evil2:

Ray isn't getting a service, a mass, a choir, pall bearers, lots and lots of flowers, scripture readings or glowing, gushing eulogies, and lots and lots of ancient relatives, flying in from out of town, while expecting *me* to house them.   :spooked:

He's getting exactly what he gave me, in life:  nothing.   :blank:

The only "honor" he's getting is going out the front door of the nursing home, which is a policy they adopted last year, for all residents.

People can assemble, or not, and in Ray's case, I suspect NOT - but the place will probably erupt in applause once the word gets out that he kicked the bucket.   :woohoo:

 :hug:

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practical

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2019, 12:20:52 PM »
It's like some sick play to keep the abused child from seeking closure. Except, they don't realize that we've already pretty much grieved the relationship.

I don't think they realize that they are actually, really, honest to goodness going to die at some point, and that most likely they will never have the satisfaction of getting their way. Kinda sad... until you remember all the crud you've already had to put up with. No, I think they still think they're immortal.
Really interesting point about closure, and yes, in my experience they do feel they are somehow immortal, Favourite lines by F "I have no intention of dying any time soon" as if it is something anybody has control over  :roll: .

Wow, practical. I think that's the most self-centered PD thing I've ever heard: You can't come to my funeral!

I've heard more than one psychologist say that they don't mature emotionally much beyond a 5 year old. It does sound a lot like a 5 year old's punishment of 'well, you can't come to my tea party!' So there.
Yeah, I won't get any cake at the wake :dramaqueen: And you are right, it is the ultimate in self-centeredness.

Mine has been on a campaign to convince my BF that I have always been crazy, unbalanced, and a liar (great strategy) and then asks why I'm not visiting. I wrote a  long letter calling her out on her behaviors; she is now claiming that I did all of those things, not her.  :stars: Last time BF suggested she apologize and change her behavior she exclaimed, "MY BEHAVIOR?? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY BEHAVIOR! I'M NOT GOING TO LIE!"
:blink: :blink: :blink: I know this isn't in the least funny, but this statement made my day, as it so clearly shows how far from reality your M is - and I think many of our PDs - it is like a whole other galaxy you can only reach after falling through several black holes.  :stars:

I swear I think some of these PDs think they'll be floating around in the ethers, barking their orders, forcing obedience and a pretense of care.  It is the eternal craycray.   :stars:
Actually M was planning to come back as a bird and shit on people who hadn't been nice to her. I don't think her plan worked, as no bird has shat on me in the last 4 years, and we have plenty.

Practical - Attempting to control from the grave is what we call this. I am always a bit flabbergasted by the assumption we were going to go to their funeral in the first place.. or arrange it, or tend to all of the painful tasks a funeral and the rest entails. :doh:

We have an extreme on the opposite side of the pendulum with uPDmil. She has been planning and orchestrating her "after party" as we call it for 3 decades. Pages of details and instructions including a seating arrangement for the church (I will be seated in the second row because I am not "blood") :bigwink: and a guest list, images to use, on and on it goes. All in pencil of course because people fall in and out of favor or just plain pass away and everything has to be reworked and talked about ad nauseam.

It is the ultimate in self absorbed malignant narcissistic behavior in our case and is consistent with the objectification of family members as chess pieces. Though not "blood" and delegated to the second row, I have been pencilled in for a significant role that day (though not in real life relationship) because it is something I am able to do and she likes the "optics" of me doing this part. I am asked fairly regularly if I will be able to overcome my grief on that day and still do this thing she has appointed for me and me alone.  :blink:

Another display of grandiosity and the level of detachment from reality that I cannot wrap my mind around. And yes, the latest version of abuse and the latest reminder that love is absent. I am sorry that this is happening again! :hug:
30 years of planning??? State funerals aren't planned that long ahead!

This brought back memories, M kept planning her funeral for years including songs, whom to invite, what colors people would be allowed to wear (no black! it should be a celebration of her, her life)  etc., while at the same time insisting God owed her extra years because not all of them had been great. She changed plans so often, we almost lost track of them, and despite having uninvited B from the funeral, he was supposed to be in charge of organizing it and had to hear about the latest versions. A highlight was when she wanted her coffin to be painted a special colour, because that brought on a host of questions about ecological compatibility of the paint the funeral home people were facing. The one thing she never did though was safe up money for this grand funeral  :roll:  - I guess she considered it an honor for us to pay for it  :???: ?

I suggested she pick another, but she called them all shit, and suggested *somebody* should start looking around for a snappy purple casket for her, buy it and have it shipped to the funeral home.
See above - again I think there is some to us unknown relationship between our parents  :wave: , M's was supposed to be ultramarine blue.

When I was small, Didi had a list of people in her jewelry drawer - all "enemies" - and she made me swear, over and over, that when she was dead, I'd track down all those people and either write them letters, giving them a piece of her mind, or I'd call them and do the same!   :blink:

The last time I saw the list, I was twelve - and it was now *five full pages*, but also included addresses and telephone numbers, to make things easier for me.   :roll:

And yes, again, I promised I'd do her dirty work, because knew what would happen if I said no.

I knew I never would follow through, but figured she'd be dead and wouldn't know.   :bigwink:
And again :wave: long lost relation, except it is F, and while he didn't expect us to give people a piece of his mind as such, he expected us to tell friends of his "Ah, you know, you aren't invited to the funeral. No, he didn't consider you a long time friend, he only barely tolerated you all these years, but really he hated you, and yes, he ate the cookies you brought him, but the was complaining all the way how they were totally crappy and how you shouldn't burden him with things like this." We actually asked him to write out a list and sign it, so we wouldn't get tagged for being the bearer of the message.

My take is that they want to scandalize you.  YOU didn't show up at their funeral, you must be a terrible person.  No one will know you were banned.  Funerals are a big social gathering for the elderly crowd. 
Yep, that might be their thinking, reality is we only announced M's death after she had been buried, and F has alienated everybody so it will just be him and Newbie.

Well, we are retreating into NC, and if MIL calls again because she just has to speak her mind, her number will be blocked.
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Psuedonym

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2019, 12:36:23 PM »
practical,

It is funny!! I give you permission to laugh. :) I always appreciate when my BF tells me these things because it reaffirms my NC decision.

WI, the only other person I know of who kept an enemies list was Stalin.  :stars:

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practical

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2019, 02:21:05 PM »
WI, the only other person I know of who kept an enemies list was Stalin.  :stars:
And while he had some imagined enemies he also had real ones for good reasons.
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Malini

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2019, 08:26:14 AM »
As,  in general, funerals really are for the living, I feel that they really struggle to accept that they won’t be there to bathe and regale themselves in the sympathy, accolades and pain of those mourning them. In a non-PD world, we’d be thrilled to have a detailed game plan prepared by the deceased, it makes everything easier and helps us respect their last wishes. In a PD world it just feels like the continuum of their need to control and one-up us from beyond the grave.

Also, I feel banning us is a form of punishment and our last shaming. Look everybody how awful that child of mine was here, so awful that I don’t want her/him here. I forbid them to mourn me and get closure (as if most of us haven’t already done that by the time they die).  A bit like the silent treatment which becomes a silent treat, I wish I’d been formally banned, but who knows, that might still come. I’m fully expecting inheritance shenanigans from beyond the grave and have a plan to minimise any emotional damage that might cause me. 
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Jade63

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2019, 04:58:52 PM »
Also, I feel banning us is a form of punishment and our last shaming. Look everybody how awful that child of mine was here, so awful that I don’t want her/him here.  A bit like the silent treatment which becomes a silent treat.

I agree with the above and it also shows other attendees that "see I told you she was rotten, she didn't even come to my funeral" (while the other attendees are not aware of the banning).

Here is one more possibility: If you DO attend, you would have the perfect audience to spill it all out to. YOU would have the last say, if you so desired. To tell everyone who attended EXACTLY what kind of mother she was. You could bring proof, letters, cards, pics, documents, voice mail recordings, etc...and she would have absolutely no recourse...because she is dead!

~J

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practical

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2019, 09:59:11 PM »
As,  in general, funerals really are for the living, I feel that they really struggle to accept that they won’t be there to bathe and regale themselves in the sympathy, accolades and pain of those mourning them. In a non-PD world, we’d be thrilled to have a detailed game plan prepared by the deceased, it makes everything easier and helps us respect their last wishes. In a PD world it just feels like the continuum of their need to control and one-up us from beyond the grave.
I guess in this case the planning serves the imagining as if they will be there.  :roll: Banning is certainly meant as punishment, it is unimaginable to MIL what a big favor she did us.

Here is one more possibility: If you DO attend, you would have the perfect audience to spill it all out to. YOU would have the last say, if you so desired. To tell everyone who attended EXACTLY what kind of mother she was. You could bring proof, letters, cards, pics, documents, voice mail recordings, etc...and she would have absolutely no recourse...because she is dead!

~J
IME that doesn't work, M's FM's, friends, relatives were like cult members and once she was dead you were especially not allowed to say anything negative or even question her version of events. B tried to be heard with the truth and failed. I didn't care, those were not the people I wanted to be friendly with because they had never bothered to ask for both sides of the story, never tried to form their own opinion. Not getting involved with them, letting go of M's crazy was much more important to me than to argue with them, make them see a reality they had refused to see for years.
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Jade63

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #14 on: February 13, 2019, 10:54:37 AM »
M's FM's, friends, relatives were like cult members.

 :yeahthat: Yeah, I think you're right.

My cousin got up to pay respect to my Father at his memorial service. The Uncle he described in no way resembled the Father I knew.

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #15 on: February 28, 2019, 04:01:01 PM »
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And also why do they think when they yell at you full of venom that will accomplish what they want? That you will come back and take their abuse while being their servant? Is it because it worked when we were kids? When we were dependent on them and appeasing them was a sad survival skill? Because they still haven’t understood that we are adults now, we are independent, have free will and don’t need to take any of this crap anymore if we no longer feel like it?
I always wondered that myself. M used to scream about us not loving her enough and I wondered how she thought her screaming would fix the issue instead of driving us further away. You can’t explain PD logic, I guess.

I’m sorry you are still dealing with all this PD nonsense. I agree with other commenters, it is just a temper tantrum. They think that if you hurt them (by not complying) then they should turn around and hurt you worse (and they you’ll be sorry and see the error of your ways). I guess it did work when I was a kid but had the opposite effect as I got older.   :no:
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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broken

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Re: Déjà vu - the Third Act
« Reply #16 on: March 03, 2019, 06:02:21 AM »
My NM is planning her funeral as well, right down to the songs, the readings, which priest...  she is old enough to have attended many funerals and always critiques each one.  She has dictated to me which dress to put her in, who to call, how to act in church, etc.
At one point she was sick and decided that she was going to die that day. I was told to call the priest and the funeral home and get out that damn dress.  Of course she didn’t die, but I was thinking of that scene in Little Big Man with Dustin Hoffman and his Native American grandfather always saying “It’s a good day to die” and never did, until everyone ignored him and then he surprised them by actually dying.  So I kept chuckling which made her angry  ;D  when she was trying so very hard to be prim and proper on her deathbed, because that is the way she decided the great novel of her life was supposed to end.  PDs are such control freaks! 
Now she is being waify-nice to me, which we all know is just manipulation coming from a PD.  She is concerned with what I might say at her funeral mass, that I could possibly disgrace her by telling the truth, something she never considered for the first 50 years of my life when she was dishing out abuse.  My standing up for myself has been such an inconvenience for her!