2 months older and somewhat wiser

Started by Psuedonym, February 03, 2019, 01:35:49 PM

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Psuedonym

I've been 2 months NC with uBPDm after a big bad episode in early December. If you've read previous posts, you know I wrote a long, fact heavy letter which my BF delivered with the message that if she wanted to have anything to do with me she needed to take it heart and get some psychiatric help. Her response has been to a) ignore it, b) claim that I made half of it up, and c) try to convince my BF that I'm mentally ill. Today she called and left him a message (I blocked her a long time ago) that I should call her because she had a couple of questions (probably about bills). This was very casual, like nothing had happened and everything was normal.

Because of the advice of all you wise people here, it took me about 30 seconds to decide that my response would be to ignore the message.

I had a major realization about 5 years ago when I first learned about BPD, but its really taken this incident for me to realize the extent of her narcissistic traits. She really has nobody else, I'm an only child and my enF died a year ago. I know that none of the extended family members are backing her up on her version of reality. Given the circumstances i thought she might at least fake an insincere apology (*I'm actually happy she didn't because it makes everything less confusing). The fact that she refuses under any circumstances and despite the consequences to acknowledge her own behavior or admit that she is any way at fault has really brought to light how much of an act the eternal victim persona is and how hellbent she is on everyone else conforming to her delusions.

:stars:

Yael924


:yeahthat:

Extra points if she used that airy oh so casual voice.

I get this or the silent treat. Either way -- complete denial of culpability.

RavenLady

Yep. Last time I talked to uPDm, I stated that her 1) failure to reach out to comfort me in any way in the wake of a terrible tragedy that devastated our whole family (even after I'd already extended such comfort to her, uNPDf, and multiple other family members), + 2) her expectation of me (rather than compassion) that I continue to provide narcissistic supply for uPDf to help him with his losses in the wake of the tragedy (while ignoring mine) = she didn't actually seem to care about me.

Her response after trying to silence me and shift the topic was to attack me and my character, culminating with calling me "vile." So I repeated my months-long request that she find a therapist for us and hung up the phone. (Wouldn't make that request now knowing what I've learned since then...)

Wouldn't ya know the next thing is her cheery voice message announcing she and uNPDf were both coming to visit. No acknowledgement of anything. Obviously no apology. It had been months since I've seen them, over a year since they visited, and they had ignored my previous invitations.

By the time of the VM I'd learned about hoovering, so I said NO.

And that launched this season of incredible healing for me.

Her calling me "vile," though painful, has been a gift. As a friend pointed out recently, Ted Bundy was vile. Psychopaths who enjoy hurting others are vile. I am not. I make mistakes. I'm not perfect. But I didn't cause the tragedy, I loved people through the tragedy, and I only asked for reciprocity. Wanting reciprocity is not vile, especially not when the person you want it from is your parent.

In your case, you deserved a response to your letter full of the high regard a loving parent gives her offspring, even when there is a difference of opinion or interpretation of events. Even if every fact in your letter had been objectively wrong, there were a million ways she could respond that didn't center exclusively on her and her (perception of her) needs (especially her need to preserve her delusions). That's what we give to our loved ones and even casual acquaintances. Respect. Our kind regard. Our commitment to foster well-being in ourselves and others. She chose not to muster even that kind of human decency.

And in so doing, she has helped set you free.
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

biggerfish

Pseudonym you are very very emotionally healthy. Know that about yourself and never let it go.

practical

The victim persona was such an important part for F, still is hence him waiting for an apology by us when he cut us off in a temper tantrum. It is the contradiction between the victim persona delusion and the actual abuser persona for which there is no answer other than to have no part in it. You are doing really well. When you look at art (or a problem  :roll: ) it often helps to step back to see the whole picture, to see it from a different point of view. I think the NC has enabled you to do this and you are making great progress.
If I'm not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I'm only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?" (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

Psuedonym

Aw, thanks everybody. I know you know how important it is to hear validating things from others who get it but...thanks! I really appreciate your support. RavenLady, calling you vile for expecting some sort of reciprocal sympathy over a family tragedy is just  :blink: That's really awful.

practical, this is so well said:  It is the contradiction between the victim persona delusion and the actual abuser persona for which there is no answer other than to have no part in it.

My BF went over there yesterday to drop something off and she immediately demanded he come in and started saying that behaviors I had spelled out in the letter were actually things I had done to her... :stars: In particular there was an incident last year that I wrote about here in which she screamed at me and called me a little bitch after I told her she couldn't come stay at my house after a week long trip. She told BF that was me, I had started it, I called her that. She did nothing wrong. Wow.

BF said 'don't know what to tell you except. apologize and change your behavior or you won't be hearing from Pseudonym', at which point she started back up with my lifelong craziness/mental instability...at which point BF reiterated he wasn't listening to that and left.

Thoughts on this: A) not real strategic thinking to bad mouth me to BF and expect great results but I guess that's what they do and B) holy shit that's spooky. I really don't know if she's a pathological liar or delusional and/or which is worse.

A relative of mine said a while ago (and I don't blame her for this because she doesn't know anything about PDs and I think was trying to be positive), "hopefully someday your M and you can find some common ground". After hearing this exchange with BF my immediate thought was 'yeaaaaah, i wouldn't hold your breath on that."

Borderline didn't get it's name from Borderline Psychotic for nothin.

You all are great and I'm grateful for you!

WomanInterrupted

Pseudonym, you ask a really interesting question - is she a pathological liar or is she delusional?

Kind of both, in a way *because her supply (you) is MIA* and she can't *stand* not being able to rage at you, call you names, insult you, or just generally be a miserable, unpleasant person toward you.  She can't vent her spleen and say all the nasty things she thinks, and I think something inside them kind of *breaks* when that happens.

I saw this first-hand, after unBPD Didi died.  She and unNPD Ray had been married over 60 years, and every single day of it was a non-stop battle for dominance and control.  They *hated* each other, screamed at each other, fought over nothing and anything, called each other names, insulted each other - but would never, ever consider getting a divorce because it was a "sin" (aka they *both* got something out of the relationship).  :roll:

Ray *loves* to argue, but couldn't bait me.  I just wasn't having it.  I'd Medium Chill him or re-direct him and he couldn't stand that, so he'd get even more inflammatory or disgusting, including saying things about "you dumb broads" - thinking it would get a rise.

Instead, I'd say, "Hm.  That's one way to look at it.  I have to go."

I knew I'd never enlighten him or make him woke, so I just left it alone.   :roll:

I was nearly at the end of the dehoarding when he started rewriting history, to make himself FOTY, hoping I'd drink the kool-aid - but I didn't.  I'm pretty sure he knew I was going back to *my* life, where he wasn't a priority, and that's when he offered to buy me a NEEEEEEWWWWWW CAAAAAAAAARRRRR!   :wacko:

Yes!  He'd take me around to all the dealerships, and I could have any red sports car I wanted, as long as it was made in the US (AND get a supply, hearing people tell me how LUCKY I was to have SUCH a nice dad, *and* he'd get to argue with the sales people and tell them they were all cheats and crooks!  WIN for Ray - not so much for me!)   :aaauuugh:

I declined.  Jeepette was  paid for, I liked her, and thank you for the kind offer, but no thanks.   :ninja:

Besides - I live in the Northeast.  WTF am I going to do with a sports car that can't be driven in winter, and we have a one-car garage, filled with DH's stuff?   :Idunno:

He didn't understand - it's a NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW CAAAAAAAARRRRRR!

I did - it's a GIFT!  WITH!  STRINGS!   :thumbdown:

So...I went back to my life and let things chill with Ray, didn't take many of his calls (not only does he love to fight and scream, he's nearly stone deaf and refused to wear his hearing aids!) - but he still had that thing in his head, yapping at him.

Must ARGUE.  Must FIGHT.  Must BE RIGHT AT ALL TIMES.  NEED ATTENTION!  NEED ALL THE ATTENTION FROM DIDI/WI!

Yeah - I'm Didi/WI.  Didi was WI/Didi.  He couldn't even get our damned names right!   :stars:

He started fights with people who sent him bills, then would try to crow to me about giving that SOB thus and so, and told me some half-assed story about why his phone number was changed (turns out he screamed at the woman at the phone company until she actually disconnected his phone!), then there was some story about his lawnmower or snow blower being replaced with a doppelganger, he never had a heart attack (he so DID have a heart attack!), he doesn't have problems with his balance (YES HE DOES!) and he does NOT need a cane because 87 *isn't old!*   :blink:

I knew what was going on - he was sitting in that house, alone, behind closed drapes (somebody might see all his fabulous, tatty, "I Can't Believe It's The 70's!" furniture and decide to *steal* it), with nobody to fight with, nobody to cuss out, nobody to scream at, or wait until they got on the phone to start talking AT them!

Didi's death set a whole chain of events in motion - and he didn't get a new supply.  Instead, he got SILENCE, and he couldn't handle it.

Your mom doesn't like other people, either.  She doesn't want to make new friends, have new experiences, try new foods, learn a new language, get some verbs wrong and giggle when she's told she just said something *really* dirty, have fun, laugh at life,  or experience *joy*, in any way, shape or form.

She'd rather be miserable, alone and taking it out on somebody else - like Ray.  And when there *is* nobody - that's when shit gets *weird.*

And she's only going to keep railing at your lovely BF, so what I'd suggest is he drop everything *at the manager's or Social Worker's office* and let THEM deliver it, so she has *no* contact with him, either.   :ninja:

No, he's not buying what she's selling, but she has a means to attack you - if he takes that away from her, she's probably going to wind up in a memory care unit within a year or so, and it's probably where she needs to be, so they can properly manage and medicate her.

Ray is psychotic, and has been most of his adult life - and I'm not saying your mom is the same, but there's *definitely* something wrong with her that needs to be addressed, for her own sake, and the sake of others who are around her.

You said they don't like the condition of her apartment - she's very close to a tipping point, I think.  Your BF not bringing her mail and things might push her over it, so *she gets the care she NEEDS, not what she thinks she DESERVES or is OWED by you.*   :yes:

I want to be clear - it's NOT a retaliatory measure.  Your BF doesn't need to hear it, your mom needs more help than she'll admit, and taking your BF out of play will probably force the issue.

That's my experience, anyway - once there is nobody left, things fall apart pretty quickly.

Ray is where he needs to be, getting the care he *NEEDS.*  I have nothing to do with him.  He's not even allowed to have mail, because it just sets him off, and we go down THAT rabbit hole again - "I want my money!  I have to give it all to the Church!  Bring me that damned girl!"

Yes - I've been downgraded from Didi/WI to the damned girl, who is nameless and faceless.  She's just supposed to DO.   :blank:

But luckily, I don't have to hear about *any* of it!   :yahoo:

His life is his - mine is mine, and now that the anxiety and panic attacks have stopped, it's really quite amazing!   :sunny:

:hug:

Psuedonym

Your advise is always the best, WomanInterrupted! You're absolutely right, we're trying to get things like the mail figured out (I have to turn over the tax docs she receives to the accountant and I haven't gotten absolutely everything set up as paperless yet) but trying to lower contact as much as possible. BF says he doesn't mind dealing with her but I feel terribly guilty making him deal with her shit.

Strangely, I've felt that her trashing me has been somewhat therapeutic. You are right that she is shockingly like Didi/Ray, but for most of my life (as we were discussing in another post) she has been so good at hiding who she really is under the victim persona that its been a relief of sorts to her truly selfish and deluded nature come out. Probably not a great situation when your own mother lying about you and saying you're crazy to your BF is the silver lining.

  :stars:

Sneezy

Psuedonym - You have given me such good advice recently.   One of the best things you told me (I'm paraphrasing a little) is that sometimes it takes that one big, clarifying moment that shocks and angers you to the point where you finally realize what you are dealing with.  It sounds like you have had that moment and are now moving in a direction that feels right and healthy to you.  Good for you!  And best of luck - it's not easy.  But it's necessary.

Psuedonym

Aw, thanks, Sneezy! That makes me happy. One of the things I love about this site is that people like me come in a total state of confusion, then you get great advice, and if you stick around long enough maybe eventually you can help someone new a little bit.

There are some people who's stories are similar to your own that its eerie. I like to go back and read those people's stories and I've found that, like the PDs all have weirdly similar traits, coming Out of the FOG often runs a similar course.

Here's the overview:

1. Arrive at the site and feel a great deal of relief that there are other people who do indeed get it.
2. Situation becomes more intolerable. At this point you're posting to vent because you obviously can't say anything truthful to PD. General feeling is trapped and helpless and you envy people who have actually gone NC but you don't think you'd ever be 'allowed' to do that in your own life.
3. Something happens. Either its the last straw or, as in my case, it's something big. At this point you're pretty much forced to go NC for your own well being. Panic ensues, you think they're going to show up at your door at any moment, and you question your sanity. You think the sky is going to fall.  This site becomes a lifeline.
4. You start to question how bad it really was and waiver a lot. This site continues to be a lifeline.
5. You start to come Out of the FOG and you can see things more clearly. You realize that what everyone else said is correct, that you do get to choose your relationships and it is your right to refuse to be treated like someone's emotional dumping ground/savior/sg/etc. You realize how badly not being true to yourself has effected you and start to feel a lot better.
6. I don't know yet because I haven't gotten there. :)

Of course, not everybody follows this path, but i've read it enough times to realize that it's not unusual.