How do you handle your previously special days that aren’t necessarily your PD’s

[Samuel S.]

My PDw in pure PD form played being loving before and after we got married. In fact, she could have become a great actress. She also had lot of help from her "medium counselor", saying that my PDw and I are great soulmates. With time as we all have experienced, she turned out to be everything but that.

The reason why I bring this up is because Valentine's Day, like all other special days in our lives, is nothing special to mine. It's handing cards to one another. I previously have thought and bought special gifts that she would like, but they are still in boxes. So, I am buying flowers for her, instead. She just wants "to get it over with" which is exactly what she said to me several years ago for our anniversary. BTW, that time was our anniversary. I only asked her several times in respectful ways about going out to dinner. Then, she said that. She held my hand as we entered into the restaurant, but her comments tarnished the evening. Once we returned to our place, she promptly returned to her studies. BTW, also, she was the one who laughingly told a fellow employee that I should be seeing another woman, because she is so busy. So, this Valentine's Day will be flowers and a card, and that's it.

So, the question for you: how do you handle your previously special days that aren't necessarily your PD's?

[11JB68]

Sadly I've learned to manage my expectations...ie, lower my expectations. Updh often manages to ruin special occasions/holidays so...I tend to keep it low key. I had such a bad bday one year that I removed my birthdate from my fb profile because it was so annoying to me having well wishes all day from others when my day was going so badly.
Long ago I stopped doing cards etc. Weirdly, when we were dating uPDh would get me cards, flowers, etc. At some point he stopped, and when I kept doing it He would get mad, saying I was making him feel bad by doing it when he wasn't...

[Samuel S.]

11JB68, I am so very sorry you are dealing with such a very selfish person like him! Unfortunately, our PDs always have to make the world revolve around them. I hope you have found ways to honor yourself for your birthday and every day in your life, because you deserve it!

[1footouttadefog]

I buy a nice expensive cut of meat for us all and cook a nice meal and give the kids a gift card to the bookstore or amazon in a card.

I dont want to and refuse to go out in public and play act a part.

[musttryharder]

I keep my expectations at zero. I see now that I'm responsible for my happiness - alone. I buy something as a gift to keep everything 'normal', but I'm extremely guarded. If an outing is suggested, I go along but again I'm waiting for the comment...
I don't open myself up for abuse, but I do enough to keep things calm.

[Samuel S.]

Thank you for the posts.

When you consider that we were convinced that our SO was our one and only way back when, then, they changed to become basically the opposite of how they first started by being devious and malicious. Granted, people will mature, although they are the good, kind hearted people they have always been.

For me, it is not having low expectations. It is a matter of grief, anger, and frustration while still hoping for the best. Nevertheless,I am losing hope Year by year, because she is going farther and farther away. Here's an example. She would complain about her 1st husband and many other husbands that were so goal driven. She knows that although I make a decent amount of money, she, her D, and Ds always come first. Yes, even today this is the case. Now, she is like the people she complained about. When I mentioned this to her respectfully, she "understands".

So, lowering our expectations is fine. Making a meal at home is fine. Whatever makes it easier is fine. To quote her when we had an anniversary a few years ago , she "wanted to get it over with". Perhaps, that's what she really wants to do permanently!

[Blackbird11]

I'd be happiest if Valentine's Day went unacknowledged. Unfortunately I have also arrived at the place where I realize uPDh seems to ruin any holiday and nice occasion.

[Samuel S.]

Blackbird11, PDs like to ruin any special occasion, because if it isn't centered around them, well, life has to be about them and nobody else! They truly are babies in adult bodies!

[bloke]

Hi

two days ago the 10th was my late gf's birthday, she died just over 3 yrs ago and we had been together nrly 7 yrs.

I happened to remark to my now gf(who I met a yr ago) with BPD that it was my late gf's birthday on the 10th, she just nodded and mumbled some sympathetic remark about her dying a early death at 40, last night we had been out when she made a suddern remark about how it frustrates her me remembering my late gf and that i should forget her & and that we might have a future together if i did so as i am always talking about her it drove her to be suicidal and that she never mentions any ex loves.

i resisted any temptation to feed her rant that had been boiling in her mindsilent for a day, but she pushed and pushed eventually involving my daughter that i talk about her as well , which i dont, my daughter lives far away, we share a few words each month '' how you doing'' '' congrats on your relationship'', ''merry christmas'', jan 12th was the last time we exchanged a few words via messenger '' how's college''.

the night before she was infact talking about her ex husband in her sleep as if i was that ex husband, she often talks in her sleep usually as she nods off and i told her so in that moment she wanted a answer, she got one of honesty, i doubt she liked it , because she said she never talks about ex's or aniversary's. she does in her waking hours.

this morning i got a text of sorry ' i was so harsh,but, it frustrates me!?'.

i went through the process of grief, i was ready to meet/let someone else into my life, i didn't plan on who i'd meet or when or what they'd be like i fell in love because that's what happens, you just do, just as i had a daughter 20 yrs ago.

i get the feeling my gf with bpd feels threatend by memory of both late gf & daughter though i give far more attention & time to my gf, an attempt to alienate my past?? and my daughter?? im not sure, grieiving is a natural process  and personal to each other of us but i should never forget a love that died suddenly nor should i or anyone be told to, that person has gone that is ultimate to the process of grief  acceptence that person is but a memory that should be kept in the heart. i have one. i also have a daughter and i am a father close or distant.

saying nothing seems the best strategy and keeping it to myself and my daughter.

[1footouttadefog]

Wow, a part of you is the sum of your experiences and the relationships you have had and the emotional investment in them and the way those people influenced you and visa versa. 

For you current GF to be so negative at an occasional mention of a lost love, is not only insensitive, it indicates she is emotionally stunted perhaps jealous etc. 

That she resents you communicating with your college aged daughter is sick. 

It seems the attention you give will never be enough until you have purged yourself of everyone but your current gf...

And that still won't be enough, you will have to be sacrificed yourself.

[bloke]

''emotionally'', I guess that's the root of her disorder, she has a large family living loosing a family member isn't something she has much experience of, but she does fear it that's also part of her disorder as is I guess the relationship I might have and she doesn't with my daughter, she feels she cant compete with that bond though a father daughter relationship isn't something she has to compete with or against, I love both of them, another thing she has no children and cant have them, a massive hole in her heart and aspiration to be a mother as a woman that must hurt, it would be only right that I have some compassion for that fact.