A bunch of rhetorical questions

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Call Me Cordelia

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A bunch of rhetorical questions
« on: February 10, 2019, 04:51:50 PM »
DH: Cordelia needs to focus on her own healing from abusive parents. And she needs space for that. She doesn’t feel like she can trust you due to that past abuse, and your interactions with her have reinforced that lack of trust.

MIL: I don’t like it but I have no other choice I see. I’ve done all I can do. I hope therapy works for her.

DH: Great news, honey! There’s hope!

Somehow they all expect that at some time in the future I will be sufficiently healed to handle contact with the in-laws. And they’ll pick up with the kids like they actually know them. But wait, why would I want to heal from abuse only to open myself and my kids to more of the same? From people with the same personality disorders as the parents that gave me CPTSD in the first place? And wait, why are there expectations on me to do all this work but none whatsoever on the people who are actually abusive? Why do they get points for giving me what is my right in the first place? Why am I coming out of this cast as a fragile weakling when it was me who confronted them in the first place and stuck to my boundaries? Why does MIL think the problem is all with me and it’s up to me to restore the relationship which was always broken in the first place but of course she denies that? Why does anyone actually want to “fix” this?

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Poison Ivy

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Re: A bunch of rhetorical questions
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2019, 05:58:03 PM »
Same here, except my now ex-husband did not speak up in the same way on my behalf and it was my former father-in-law, rather than my former mother-in-law.  It's a very sad and frustrating situation to be in.

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Solong

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Re: A bunch of rhetorical questions
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2019, 09:01:07 PM »
I probably won’t be able to articulate as well as I’d like because I’m tired, but I’ll try...

If someone wants to deny personal responsibility, they can find any reason to externalize. With PDs, the tendency to externalize is everpresent.

If your MIL doesn’t want to own up on her part, she won’t. There’s nothing you can do to “fix” that. However, I think (even if without meaning to) your DH has given your MIL sensitive information that she can use to spin the facts in her favor. He’s made this separation about you, instead of about her. I suggest you stop telling her anything about any of you, particularly things that make you more vulnerable.

We’re VLC now but about 6 years ago we realized MIL needed a serious information diet. Even then, when going off of little actual provided information and when feeling out of control (which was so often) MIL would grasp at the tiniest shred of fact to morph into whatever faux-truth she needed to explain something that brought her discomfort. ( e.g., Hadn’t heard from us for awhile? DH seemed stressed last visit. He takes on too much at home. Solong isn’t doing enough to support him, which is why he’s stresse, which is why we haven’t reached out.  :stars: This kind of thinking- all the time- about anything and everything. It’s crazy making!) She now knows nothing about our life and now doesn’t see us or our daughter either. And when DH went to talk to her (kind of a “break up” of sorts) she cited at least 5 completely fictional explanations for why he wanted to part ways-even though he explicitly told her it was because of her.

My point: give yourself space and hold everything close.
You do know.

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Leonor

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Re: A bunch of rhetorical questions
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2019, 12:41:48 AM »
Sometimes when I feel the ruminating rev up in my brain, I spin it a little bit.

Like, why should my questions be rhetorical? Why don't I ask my h. these questions out of curiosity and see what he says? Information is always useful!

Or:

Why don't I have this conversation with a stuffed animal? Sounds weird, but it's very surprising to hear what the teddy bear has to "say" ... and what I have to say that I'm not even aware of yet ...

Or, my favorite, the fun reply:

There's hope? You mean your mom's in therapy, too? That's great, honey!

Or:

Your mom says there's nothing she can do about it? Well, I am delighted to hear that we agree on something!

Or:

Wow, and here I was wondering if therapy would be helpful for me. Now I know for sure! Thanks, babe!

You are modeling safe and healthy behavior for your beloved. He's just starting his journey, but if he didn't have some deep instinct and desire for change, he wouldn't have married You!




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candy

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Re: A bunch of rhetorical questions
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2019, 12:06:40 PM »
You are modeling safe and healthy behavior for your beloved. He's just starting his journey, but if he didn't have some deep instinct and desire for change, he wouldn't have married You!

 :yeahthat:

With my DH, even if we are on the same page concerning our child, there hace been lots of ups and downs. He does not understand rhetorical questions regarding NPDMIL when he is muddled in FOG. Deep down he loves me for having and articulate boundaries with his parents.

Stand your ground, Cordelia. Be a rolemodel. You are doing great.

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Entj

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Re: A bunch of rhetorical questions
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2019, 04:30:25 PM »
There's hope? You mean your mom's in therapy, too? That's great, honey!

 :like:

You're doing great, good DH stood up for you. I'd also support the 'information diet'. The less they know, the less they can use against you.

I'm sorry you're having the same PDs on both sides. You're right, you shouldn't open yourself up for more abuse  :yourock:

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: A bunch of rhetorical questions
« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2019, 11:48:05 PM »
Thank you all. Leonor, you crack me up as always. My actual response to DH was, “Whatever.” He’s well aware of how I feel about my future with his mother.

[Insert Atari Game Over screen.]

I do see changes in DH, he’s getting more proactive in other areas of life as well.

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all4peace

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Re: A bunch of rhetorical questions
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2019, 08:09:18 PM »
Ugh, I can understand your discomfort with her "story" about what's going on here. I've had to learn how to get comfortable with the fact that "their story" will never match my view of what happened to break down our relationship.

Focus on being your best self, for the reasons that you matter in this world, your DH and kids need you, the world needs you...and don't worry about whatever she's saying. Easier said than done, I know.