is adult grooming a "criminal" offense

[upsydaisy]

Hi all,
  i have  joined as i am  after a  bit of help if possible.  I have an adult daughter who is at uni , over the  age of  consent that is in a relationship with a 45 year old man, cut  a very long  story short she has known him for years but has only been in a sexual relationship with him for  6 months as i  see is  its  as though he has groomed for years to gain her  trust, he is very manipulative,  and is  doing  everything possible to get  to  cut off all  contact with he family,  he has  demanded that she deletes his address off her phone  so not one can  find out  where he lives etc,  there  are  untold alarms bells going off here, but no one (police) seem interested in doing  anything about it  because sheis over 18, what i am  trying to  find out is this,  there are  alot of  articals that  refer to  adult grooming on the  web but i  cannot  fnd one that sates that the grooming of an adult is illegal. Is the grooming of  an adult actually a criminal offence? cannot find anything in  legistaion ,  would be  greatful if anyone  could shed any light on this please
thank you
Upsy

[Mare Kaio]

Hello Upsydaisy, and welcome to Out of the FOG.

We are not qualified to give legal advice here. I completely understand you are worried about your daughter, there are a number of red flags here. You clearly love her very much.

What you can do is to state your concerns to your daughter, that you love her, and assure her that you are always there for her if she needs you. It may be best not to refer directly to her boyfriend when stating your concerns, but rather focus on certain behaviors -- e.g., "I noticed that you've changed and now do X rather than Y, and that worries me. Are you okay?." If you express your concerns about the boyfriend directly, she may get defensive, and you want to keep the lines of communication open. She has to come to the realization that this man is not good for her herself, nobody else can do it for her.

You may want to check out the "Chosen" forum, as well as the "Common Behaviors" and the "Working on Us" boards. There are many people that struggle with similar issues, and it helps to know you're not alone. Also, check out the Toolbox, it has lots of tips re healthy communication styles.

Again, welcome. I hope to see you on one of the boards.

[upsydaisy]

Hi Unda,

Thank you for the  welcome,  I  do  apologise  sincerely for the  faux pas,  please let me know  if you  would like me to  edit and rephrase the  above post.

i wasn't after  legal advise as  such, it was more a confirmation of  "nope, no  such thing" generalisation, really, as i  think  i am  looking for something that doesn't exist, is all.

i suppose i  was  looking for  a "nope only applies to children" response in which case perhaps  it could be something i  could campaign against - ie getting  such  acts recognised in law or a "yes, search under..........blah blah blah".

Again,  apologies if the  post offended it was not  my intention, just didnt  want to  spend hours looking for   something that aint there. I  shall  toddle off  and read the sections you pointed too

Upsy

[Mare Kaio]

  Hi Upsydaisy,

No need to apologize, honestly. You can ask any question you want. It's not a faux pas of any kind. I just wanted to be clear about the limitations of the site -- we help each other, but we're not qualified as therapists, lawyers, etc.

I thought about it a bit, and I may be wrong, but adult grooming seems a bit like a particular form of emotional abuse. Does that sound right? If I'm not mistaken, emotional abuse is not in itself a crime, if only because it's so hard to define precisely. But certain actions or acts may be (I don't know). And in your case, if this man has been grooming your daughter for an extended period, before she is legally an adult, there may be more that you can do than if the grooming started when she was already an adult.

Investing in the relationship with your daughter can be very effective. Once she starts seeing this man for what he is, she'll know that she can turn to you for help.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Do keep reading and posting here, it really helps.

All the best,

Unda

[C0216]

Only she will know if she's been groomed (not illegal -yet!!, she's an adult), but this sounds like clear 'coercive control' a form of domestic abuse recognised in law. 

[looloo]

It's certainly an abuse of trust, maybe an abuse of authority and power as well.  And as ClaireT stated, it is "coercive control" for sure. 

It's painful to see this, and be unable to intervene.  The best thing you can do I think is to keep being a loving presence for her. 

As a former young adult, I can attest to having mistaken the attention of older controlling men for love.  In my experience, discovering the truth wasn't particularly painful, all things considered.  A little embarrassing, but it wasn't real heartbreak.  Hugs...

[StayWithMe]

It's certainly an abuse of trust, maybe an abuse of authority and power as well.  And as ClaireT stated, it is "coercive control" for sure. 

It's painful to see this, and be unable to intervene.  The best thing you can do I think is to keep being a loving presence for her. 

As a former young adult, I can attest to having mistaken the attention of older controlling men for love.  In my experience, discovering the truth wasn't particularly painful, all things considered.  A little embarrassing, but it wasn't real heartbreak.  Hugs...

There are also controlling men who are closer to one's age as well.

That all mighty age of majority..... she's an adult and I guess she would be considered mature enough to make her own decisions.  I read the book "Coercive Control" which talks about how non physical coercion is not criminalized and is, therefore, on the rise.

I question what she sees in this guy.  In the 50s, yes older men seemed exciting.  they had more money, usually, than younger men and were perceived to age better than women.

These days, all that's turned around. Women can make their own money and men of a certain are by now on the trash heap of their career. 

Does you daughter have female friends closer to her age?

[11JB68]

Evan stark and Lisa fontes have great books etc about coercive control