Realizing it was all abuse and that I've modelled their behaviours

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nothinghere

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Hi. It's funny I've been on this site before this whole weekend but I always came on thinking that I was the abuser and that I was the broken one. I thought I couldn't feel anything but since my parents have finally left me alone in the 10 days they've been gone suddenly everything's coming into focus. How violent and manipulative and shitty they've been towards me my whole life and how I've unwittingly copied their behaviour because I didn't even recognize that it wasn't okay.


I've been feeling a lot of emotions, lots of anger, crying, emotional flashbacks, been drinking and binge eating all weekend blowing off all my university responsibilities. I don't know where to go from here. And what bothers me the most is that I know that I've done their emotionally abusive behaviour to other people and that makes me think that I don't deserve to be here. I don't know if I do deserve to be here. Tons of people get abused but don't become the abusers themselves. Is there something wrong with me that just makes me a monster. Some sort of built in narcissism or histrionic disorder?


This is just me moping and self pitying. I just feel really empty and broken. my parents will be back in 10 days and I don't have the resources to escape. With all these realizations hitting me i don't know if I'l be able to do well this semester. If I can't pass my courses I won't graduate and i won't be able to get a job and I won't be able to get away from them. I don't know. I'm scared that I'm too weak to get away. Maybe  I don't deserve to get away. I don't know what to do

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Starboard Song

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Re: Realizing it was all abuse and that I've modelled their behaviours
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2019, 04:14:00 PM »
You are self-aware enough to answer these questions: that means you can change, grow, and heal. I don't believe you were born with any of these habits, and I think you can escape them.

There's a term for acquired attributes of a PD: fleas. A person who has fleas has picked up bad habits or bad coping mechanisms due to sustained contact with a personality disordered acquaintance or loved one. My wife has them. She is not disordered, is not an awful person, and continues to become stronger and more magnificent.

The top line of my signature are the books that helped her the most, regarding self-care. Radical Acceptance, in particular, spoke to her and to a similarly situated friend. For me, I didn't even understand it: I was raised by two of the finest people on this earth, and Radical Acceptance only helped me slightly to get a glimpse of my wife's world.

Welcome to OOTF.

You can benefit from this community. If you read and reflect a lot, you can begin to see yourself in a new light. You can break habits and build new ones. You are judging yourself as unkind: that requires a kindness yardstick, and that means you have one. You are not a monster.

You say you don't know what to do. That is a very natural feeling when you are in all of this turmoil and beset by such challenges. But just as you know kindness when you see it, you know a lot of what needs to be done. You know that drinking and binge eating and evading responsibilities makes it worse. So you have a great starting point, and you came to us with the diagnosis and prescription in hand.

So please be proud of yourself. Somebody somewhere drank themselves silly this weekend and has no idea it was a bad idea, and no sense of the consequences. Someone is being mean and doesn't know or regret it. You are so far ahead of both those people. You are kind enough and sensible enough to realize what is wrong and feel bad about it. That is most of the game. It will take time, but you can do this.

Welcome to our community.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 04:18:14 PM by Starboard Song »
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Malini

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Re: Realizing it was all abuse and that I've modelled their behaviours
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2019, 04:45:50 PM »
Hi nothinghere,

Welcome to OOTF, youíve come to the right place and youíll find lots of support and validation here.

Starting to realise what youíve been through and how youíve lived your life up until now can be really quite scary and catastrophizing the future is almost normal because the future seems daunting and the obstacles insurmountable. I came here feeling like you  and in the 5 years Iíve been here, my life has changed and things that seemed doomed and inevitable actually turned out well. It takes time and it was baby steps all the way, lots of reading, writing, sharing and learning about the effects of growing up with PD parents and finding ways to lead a healthier, happier life.

If Iíd come OOTF sooner I would have been a better mom, a better spouse and a better friend (to myself). I canít change the way I was before, I canít take back any hurt I caused, all I can do is apologise to those I treated badly and do what I need to do in order to be a better person and free from the ďfleasĒ starboardsong speaks of.

You write that maybe you donít deserve to be here or to get away from your parents. I would say, nobody deserves to be treated the way you were, by their parents no less, by the very people who should love, respect and nurture you. Everybody deserves to live a healthy, happy life and this community can offer support, tools and validation without judgement as you find your own path OOTF.

Iím glad you found us and hope to see you on the boards.
"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky

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practical

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Re: Realizing it was all abuse and that I've modelled their behaviours
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2019, 05:03:21 PM »
I don't know. I'm scared that I'm too weak to get away. Maybe  I don't deserve to get away. I don't know what to do
You definitely do deserve to lead a healthy life, one were you are loved for who you are, a life free of abuse.

This community can help you in lots of ways to grow, to find ways to deal and get out, and has your back when you are afraid, when you take a step backwards, to nudge you along and cheer you on. So this is one place I would come to for help. Another one might be mental health services at your university. Reach out to them and they might help you. And as you are speaking about finding a job, which in itself can be unsettling, most universities have help for this too, for help with applications, interviews etc. Try to avail yourself of as much help as you can get IRL, and also come here. Coming here has made the world of difference to me, people here get it, are supportive and share what has worked for them. And if you haven't already, check out the Toolbox at the top of this page.

Welcome!
ďIf Iím not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Iím only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?Ē (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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nothinghere

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Re: Realizing it was all abuse and that I've modelled their behaviours
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2019, 01:57:58 AM »
thank you everyone who replied.