uNPD mother taking over grandmother's healthcare (not her mother)

[hanna3b]

This has been bugging me for weeks and I don't even know where to start.

My grandmother is in her 90s and has taken a sharp downward turn healthwise recently.  Last month she went to the hospital for a few weeks.  My mother, her ex-DIL, has been stuck on her like glue.  To people who had normal parents, that probably sounds nice, but I know people here will get why this is driving me crazy. 

I am LC with my mother.  She is using my grandmother's health problems as an excuse to contact me all the time.  When my grandmother first went into the hospital, my mother would refuse to tell me when she was visiting because she knew that I didn't want to go at the same time - which actually has less to do with her than it has to do with wanting to make sure there aren't too many people there at once and that there's someone on hand at different times throughout the day.  My mother would lie about when she was going and turn up when she knew I planned to be there. 

She is also doing the classic martyr thing, where she insists on doing everything herself but then complains about it and says that someone else should take responsibility (when she's the one who keeps jumping in and saying she'll do it when someone else says they will do something).  My grandmother will ask me to take her somewhere and the next thing I know, my mother is texting me to say that she's going to take her.  The latest twist is my mother saying that my grandmother wants me to come too.  The first time my mother tried this, I told her that only one person needed to go and it could be me or her, didn't matter.  She told me to do it and then at the last minute texted me to say she was going to meet us there.  Yeah, only going to fall for that once. 

I am having a hard time shaking the guilt from stepping away from this.

[Malini]

Hi hanna3b,

This behaviour reminds me so much of my NM and it is really not that easy to navigate for us because, yet again, we can't control it. Your Mom is probably hoping she'll get some sympathy, recognition and admiration for what she's doing and may not have your grandmas best interests at the forefront at all times.

Not sharing information with you in order to force you into contact with her is manipulative and controlling and puts you in such a tricky position because on the one hand you want to be there for your Grandma and on the other, you want to avoid contact with your mom. 

Your grandma is the weakest link here and of course she'll tell your mom if and when you're doing stuff for her, she's 90, unwell and is probably grateful for any help your mom offers.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it's a tough one to navigate as you want to be the there for your grandma and your mom is thwarting all your attempts to do that in a way that is healthy for you.

You're doing the best you can to be there for your grandma and there's no reason to feel guilty if you need to pull back a bit in order to avoid your mom.

Take care.

[Danie]

My mom did similar things back in 2007. It was awful! I loved my grandma, but when I would visit her she would tell me stuff my mom did and cry, but then she stood up for her. My mom was abusing my grandma and took over her estate and kept others' money.
I didn't see my grandma for 6 months and then she passed. I wish I'd been there a little more.
I would definitely put your own mental health first. Maybe you can send her cards or attend group gatherings there. Try and enjoy her and make some good memories without dysfunctional people around.

[hanna3b]

Thank you both.  It's so hard not to get sucked into this because I want my grandmother to have her needs met but between my mother and my grandmother's fears of losing her independence, there's not much I can do.  My mother is enabling my grandmother in some ways and if she would just get out of the way, it would be a lot easier to get my grandmother the services she needs. 

[daughterofbpd]

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. That is wrong on so many levels. It sounds like you are handling it well (as far as establishing boundaries). Take care.