He packed his bags and left, what just happened?

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Tired

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He packed his bags and left, what just happened?
« on: February 11, 2019, 06:08:08 PM »
I haven't posted in a while. I was trying to improve myself, do the work or either was getting exhausted and depressed from it all. Anyway 18 days ago my uNPD husband came home from work he told me he was going to eat out with a family member and wanted our son to go with him.  He was in a right mood from the morning so I asked him what was the matter with him. That's when he just exploded. About how angry he was because I seem to be going out everyday and hadn't ironed and sorted out his clothes.  I told him I went out that day because our daughter needed school shoes as the ones she was wearing were very tight, he said he wasn't happy because I spent too long. I explained to him I have a right to go to other shops. Anyway he wouldn't stop about how I use his money and don't  do much for him.  So I got upset and told him it felt like he just didn't want me to have a life.  He went on a holiday during the Christmas break for two weeks on his own.  I had our three children for two weeks.  Our son has a genetic illness he's 14 years old I was washing him giving him his medications  everyday. So naturally when NPD came back from holiday and kids went back to school I felt like going out, after I dropped the kids to school. I was only going to the gym or met up with my sister or my mum or just went shopping. But he said he wasn't happy with his life at home as he got no respect so he was leaving.  I Told him I knew he wasn't going to as twice before he has packed his things put them in his van told the kids he's going  and not gone.  So this time he packed his things and walked out at 2am, in the middle of night. He didnt tell the kids but they could hear him saying it to me. He never said bye to them .  Since then he only txts me about arranging to see our son.  His daughters don't want to see him and he hasn't once asked me how they are. He doesn't call or txt about what he is going to do or about our future or that night.  Just said on that night he wanted to end it. Will be getting a divorce.  He does see his son. And has started paying child maintaince. I am lost, I have asked him what's the next step of his plan but he didn't respond. My family thinks Maybe he's not really done, I am not so sure just so confused. A part of me is relieved and a part is still in shock.  Does any one know if narcs do this just to get at you or is he really gone?
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 06:44:05 PM by Tired »

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coyote

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Re: He packed his bags and left, what just happened?
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2019, 06:25:30 PM »
Tired I am so sorry this is happening. No one can tell you what his motives are. Who knows for sure. We can speculate all day and never really know his motives or what he is thinking; whether he has a next step to a plan or if this is just a PD rage. I would say the important thing is what is your next step? What do you want to do?

I certainly understand the mixture of relief, shock, and confusion you must be feeling. I guess I really don't have any advice except to focus on you and the kids. It is good he is paying maintenance. Take care of you and the kids. Remember you have a lot of good people here that are here for you. Wishing you peace and strength.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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notrightinthehead

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Re: He packed his bags and left, what just happened?
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2019, 08:28:01 PM »
I agree with Coyote above. Maybe this is a good moment to ask yourself what do you want? Do you want him to come back? Is your life different with him gone? How? Do you prefer your life with or without him?

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RavenLady

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Re: He packed his bags and left, what just happened?
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2019, 09:16:09 PM »
Forgive me if this comes across as insensitive, but just a little thought....maybe it's time to...

THROW A PARTY.

Enjoy the removal of a dark presence in your life. Make up for lost time with joy! You deserve it!
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

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Tired

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Re: He packed his bags and left, what just happened?
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2019, 12:30:23 AM »
Thank you for your replies. In regards to what do I want .  I wanted for him to change by I see that this can't happen.  I was trying Myself to detach from him,  as was suggested to me a while ago on this forum.  I was trying not to give him supply and be Myself.  I was quite happy when he went on his holiday to get the peace but was also angry and thought he was being selfish. I didn't contant him much whilst he was on holiday and this also made him mad.  I was trying to detach and enjoy my own time with my children.  I worry about coping with my son's medical condition on my own, but my family made  a true comment he didn't help me that much, with him anyway and when he did he always wanted so much back. Both my daughters don't want him back, they have had enough of him saying he going then not going after having packed his stuff.  So I don't want to trumatise them  anymore than they already have been.  My shock of him going,  has just worn off and a part of me is relieved that he has gone. At least he is not controlling me anymore. But I don't like his silent treatment regarding the whole situation. When I send him a txt about our marriage and what he done, he doesn't respond. So I suppose I am done too. I just have this fear that he might say after a week or two that he can't cope and wants to come back and I might be weak and let him even though I don't want to anymore, I want to move forward and heal. On the other hand I see his discard as selfish and think what if he moves forward with his new life and does better whilst we suffer.  Maybe I am being a pessimist as he was so toxic to me I should know better not to think like that. RavenLady, thank you for yr reply, the thing about throwing a party well that's exactly what my brother said, he doesn't understand why I am.not jumping up and down as for a while now I have been telling him somewhere along the line I will have to end it because he won't change.  But I suppose I was in dissonance and now he's done it and I am In shock and confused.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: He packed his bags and left, what just happened?
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2019, 01:56:23 AM »
And that is quite normal. It is a big change. You have been with him for a long time and are used to him. Change is scary. When I finally left, I was everything but enthusiastic. So no worries if you are not jumping up and down with joy. You have put a lot of emotions in that man. Now might be a good moment to put the emotions and support into yourself and your children.  Expriment with a different set of rules and dynamics in your new household.

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Tired

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Re: He packed his bags and left, what just happened?
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2019, 02:26:17 AM »
Notrightinthehead, thank you for yr reply.  You are absolutely right I have spent a long time and a lot of emotions on trying make things work in my marriage.    Maybe that's why now that he's gone I felt so tired and exhausted. I hope my energy levels return  and in time I feel happy and strong 
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 02:33:05 AM by Tired »

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1footouttadefog

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Re: He packed his bags and left, what just happened?
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2019, 02:45:33 AM »
I still living with my pdh.  But coming to terms with my marriage being non existent and not having a partner and what I had gone through, and what I had given up, missed out own, and the effort, and emotion invested all pretty much being for naught.. Well that took some energy to process and it was very draining physically.  But it did get better eventually.