the fallen GC sibling

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Pepin

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the fallen GC sibling
« on: February 11, 2019, 08:11:33 PM »
I feel more and more that there is something that just is not right with one of my siblings.  Regardless of the roles NF assigned us, I figured that by us all going NC with him that we would more or less be on the same page after all the abuse.  My other sibling (lost child/semi GC) and I (SG) are trying to move on but this sibling (GC demoted to SG) is refusing to let go of the past.  Ever since this sibling became a parent, I feel as though there is semi silent treatment going on.  Honestly, I thought that we would at last have something to bond over.  My kids are much older but that doesn't mean that I haven't forgotten what it was like to have a toddler.  I know it is tough at times.  This sibling wanted to adopt a different approach to child rearing -- almost as if to say that they would be a better parent -- yet is now struggling like many parents do.  It was no picnic for me either but I never pushed my views of child rearing on anyone.  Ever.

The other thing that makes this realization so painful for me is that this sibling that was revered as the smart GC that had HUGE doors of opportunity open to them, blew it.  Once they were demoted to SG, they had no leg to stand on and everything financially fell apart.  They have large debt and meaningful employment has been a struggle -- something I cannot understand when they had everything going for them.  I guess the validation from NF really did snuff out any sense of who they were.

What I really don't like though is that this sibling doesn't want my other sibling and I to move on with our lives.  I feel like we have done so much to help them and nothing has worked.  And the strange silent treatment is awful.  We don't have meaningful conversations anymore...answers to questions are met with zero emotion, robotic in a sense. 

Because this sibling has a small child, I care.  But I am tired of our strange interactions through texting.  My other sibling lives near this sibling and they hardly see each other, as they feel uncomfortable, too.

When I sense that my sibling is down I try my best to cheer them up but it seems that I am not successful.

I know I can lead a horse but not make them drink...and everyone is responsible for their own thoughts and feelings.   I guess I just feel so messed up inside because I thought we were all in a good place.  But it seems that fallen GC really have a very difficult time moving forward and validating each other for what we went through as children just isn't enough.  I just cannot roll around in the mud anymore.
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Pepin

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Re: the fallen GC sibling
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2019, 05:01:34 PM »
I was thinking more about what I wrote here.  NF divided my siblings and I up in typical PD parent fashion.  We were compared nonstop with each other and with our peers and even relatives.  I feel like my fallen GC sibling is covertly doing the same.  They have operated from a place of entitlement for a very long time - my other sibling also was this way but seems to have come down to earth.  The education I received was sub par at best compared to fallen GC sibling and I made the best of it.  If I had the education that they had, life would be much improved for myself.
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Yael924

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Re: the fallen GC sibling
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2019, 05:57:37 AM »
If you were all constantly compared / judged, it's somewhat logical for a vulnerable sib to pull back.

I remember those toddler days + the "mommie wars" where no matter how you chose to parent it was wrong. (Cloth vs. Disposable diapers   breast vs. Bottle, organic hand pureed baby food vs. Store bought, and aren't you teaching LO sign language and giving massages? And let's not forget the whole "co-sleeping" controversy...)

I would just go easy, maybe ask what you can do to help? Maybe babysitting while she takes a bath or something?

Hang in there and keep the door open. Until her actions tell you what to do with the door, that is.
Good luck.

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appaloosa

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Re: the fallen GC sibling
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2019, 04:55:03 PM »
Would it be possible to communicate directly with your sibling about what you sense? ie "I feel as though there is something wrong between us"--and see what response you get? Maybe that would make things more awkward, I don't know. Could this sibling be depressed or suffering from some other condition?

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Pepin

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Re: the fallen GC sibling
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2019, 09:27:27 PM »
Would it be possible to communicate directly with your sibling about what you sense? ie "I feel as though there is something wrong between us"--and see what response you get? Maybe that would make things more awkward, I don't know. Could this sibling be depressed or suffering from some other condition?

Yes --there is no doubt in my mind that this sibling is depressed.  This sibling has a huge financial strain, lots of debt, and obviously a feeling of failure for not being able to keep up with their peers - or even me or my other sibling.  The one differing thing that sets this sibling apart is their sense of logic.  They seem to have had an enormous amount of opportunity in the past and then gave it all up.  In turn since they are no longer wildly successful and refuse to return to that line of work, they are punishing those around them.  My other sibling doesn't care for their line of work either but these days one cannot be choosy when the bills are getting paid. 
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.