Stay or leave

[Scarecrow1]

The magic eight ball has the solution to your dilemma.

Imagine that you are in a difficult marriage of 10 years with two kids age 7 and 9. Half of you still wants in, and half of you wants out.

The miserable times are hell, but you still absolutely love the person. You obsess over whether to stay or leave. You're comfortable. The kids love their other parent. Yada yada.

You walk down the street; it's freezing and you stop in a store which astonishingly turns out to be Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes joke shop. You can't believe you even got into the magical Diagon Alley made famous by Harry Potter and his books.

You look around at the merchandise such as Extendable Ears, a Reusable Hangman, and Skiving Snackboxes.

Then you come across a special romance section, where all the love potions are. You see love potions titled Mild Infatuation; Truly, Madly, Deeply; and One Night Stand.

Then you come across a toy that looks exactly like a magic eight ball classic fortunetelling novelty toy. You read the back of the package:

—Is your marriage too good to leave, too bad to stay?

—Don't let things stay that way!

—Pick us up and give us a shake.

—Then you'll know which road to take!

You bring the magic eight ball to the counter, eager to hand over $4.95, when Ron Weasley, who is at the counter, asks you if you've read the fine print. You haven't.

"Better read it mate," he says, "Yeh got to be careful. Every once in a while I think about shaking it...."

Hastily, you read that the magic ball is packed with the intellect of Syrian psychiatrist Wafa Sultan, MD.  Sultan knows your whole family's history, and has weighed everything out, pro and con, and made an impartial decision that is the best for everyone.

But there's a catch. If the ball says GO, then you've got to leave within a reasonable period. You can't sit on it. You've got to separate. If you don't, "things will become 10x worse," it says. This is serious magic.

You think. Right now you have a lot of hope. Would you rather hang onto that hope for now, or have it smashed completely if it says go?

Or if there really is no hope that things will get better, is this a chance to get sooner rather than later?

Are you going to second-guess the eight ball? No. The answer is as good  as you're going to get. That much you know. The magic eight ball knows.

The question is, do you want to know the answer?

So. Do YOU buy the magic ball or not and do you use it? Why or why not?

[SeaGlass]

I'm curious as to what your answer is Scarecrow 1. I would buy the magic ball, but I wouldn't have the courage to use it yet. Fear and finances hold me back still.

[notrightinthehead]

I did not. I did not want to leave until he forced me to. I had invested too much.

[1footouttadefog]

I worked for a company that did remodeling.  Previously the owners had sold a company in another state and came to this state during the real estate boom.  They built and sold houses then decided they would do a small subdivision. 

They got in too deep at the end of the high market.  They excavated and paved a road and building lots the land then built a dre home type of place.

Things crashed.  Instead of giving up and moving on before it all went under, instead they kept working on the other lots getting them ready, they finished the house even though it was likely to never sell for what they had in it in time to pay the builders loan. 

They had tough invested in this dream to let it fail....yet.  In reality it had already.  Instead of letting the bank foreclose, they took out a loan against their own home to buy more time and pay the builders loan etc. 

Now they have expanded this issue beyond the bank and the incorporated business.  They went to far and ended up losing the business and land investment.

Had the lowered the price of the house right up front they could have broken even and perhaps made some off the lots later.  But they hung onto the initial dream.

I think about this story and consider like an allegory where their business and the bank they had a loan with, ie the co-investor as a married couple.  When they took a loan out on their own personal assets that is like making the kids pay also.

Some times there will be no return regardless of howuch more is invested.

We have to evaluate whether to cut our losses and whether or not it's a negative for the kids if we choose this way or that. 

Not easy, and I have to say I could risk making things thatuch worse just in case I could not leave. 

[Blackbird11]

I appreciate the Harry Potter reference,  Scare Crow!

I had a realization about a month ago. It was a few weeks after finding this web site. I have said before that I'm financially strapped because I made poor choices and wound up in a place where literally every cent from my paycheck is going to a bill or groceries. Not much else left after that. I'm working on climbing out of that place to more financial stability.

Anyway, about a month ago I was staring at my bank account and saw that the mortgage payment came out. I realized that I am officially paying to wake up and be miserable in what was supposed to be my dream home. I actually mentioned this to uPDh. I told him that I am not just emotionally paying to be miserable, but now I'm literally paying for it. And then i followed with all the "I better see change in you" speech which - who cares if he changes at this point? And there's no guarantee it will stick even if he does for a short while. He didn't respond btw. He couldn't deny it.

But the thought of all of my choices that I made that put me in this position (because I did have free will) - and now I'm almost broke and literally paying to be in the situation I'm in? Yeah, this investment isn't panning out the way i'd hoped. Absolutely the writing on the wall is to cut losses.

So in that sense, I don't need the magic eight ball. I just need to feel more ready to leave. I know I wont feel 100%. But I need at least like, 70% readiness. I think now I'm at about a 40. Still processing/mourning/greiving/trying to get through the day and keep my kid happy while I figure it out.

If I felt as though I could forgive him over time, I could see myself staying. But deep down I know I can never forgive him in the context of a life partnership. As co parents, easier. I can live my own life.

I think if we all tune into our internal barometer, we probably know whether or not staying is the best route.

[Sultana Bed Red]

Yes, I would buy and use it.  Things won't get better.  When my husband says rude things to me, I've been writing them down.  I doubt he'll ever decide to stop because it's hurting me, you know?  So I would rather get out sooner than later, especially if the eight ball says it will get 10X worse if I stay too long.  It will never get 10X better.  Very eye opening question.

Sultana

[Sarah H]

Wow! This is brilliant. No I wouldn't buy the ball because I already know the truth but I don't want to admit it to myself, but if that ball was real then one bad day in the future I would go back and buy it and kicking myself for the years I waited walk off into the sunset.

There have been times in my past when I would have brought the ball in the false hope that things would improve and then lived with the ten times worse situation in a complete refusal to see the truth so this is progress for me.

That ball is going to haunt me now 🙂

Ps - I'm not saying that any relationship  like ours is doomed only that mine have been - generally I think because the desire to change was only on my side - and I always knew it deep down but crushed that knowledge.

[Scarecrow1]

I'm curious as to what your answer is Scarecrow 1. I would buy the magic ball, but I wouldn't have the courage to use it yet. Fear and finances hold me back still.

I would buy it good answers all

[KFel024]

Dear Scarecrow1,

I would not buy it nor use it if I did.  I do not believe in magic.  Any relationship can be incredibly challenging, especially when there are dependents involved.  The grass is almost always going to look greener regardless...

That being said, I recommend trusting your gut/intuition and doing what you think is best for your children.