Want to dress nicer

[JollyJazz]

Dear All,

I hope your day is going well!

I just wanted to share a problem I have, I really want to dress nicer! I think it boils down to self esteem issues. I have nice clothes but often don't wear them, they often feel 'too much' for me.
I bought this beautiful dress 6 months ago and never wore it because it felt 'too much'. Does anyone else have issues like this / or insight into these kinds of issues?

I'm going to tidy up my wardrobe a little bit and just set up some outfits to wear that look a bit nicer. I think if I get in the habit of dressing a bit nicer that's the first step. Does anyone else have this issue or similar issues? Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome

[StayWithMe]

As long as my shoes are comfortable, I can dress nicer.  I prefer dresses and skirts to pants.

Perhaps, you can identify the one thing that is holding you back.  How comfortable do you feel in your nice clothes.

[Whiteheron]

Yes, I have that problem. I want to look nice, but when I wear nicer clothes I feel ...almost fake. Phony. That's the best way to describe it. I think it boils down to me feeling that I should look dumpy and like a slob, which is the message I received from stbx for 20+ years. He would ridicule me for not dressing nicely, then when I would wear a nicer pair of pants or nicer top (never a nice pair of pants and nice top together! That would have been too much!!) he would accuse me of dressing nicer because I was trying to hook another man. 

So now when I dress nicer, I have an internal voice that asks me "who are you trying to impress?!?!"

I've gone back to work, so I'm forced to dress a little nicer. After a few months, I'm getting used to it. I've already started wearing a little makeup as well. Which feels weird. But I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone so I can be more comfortable in my own skin, no matter what I'm wearing.

[Malini]

My NM never bought me anything nice. As a teenager I was dressed  completely in hand-me-downs of her work colleagues - old lady clothes. When I graduated, I wore a cheap, synthetic version of an ethnic outfit whilst she had beautiful silk versions handed down to her from my grandmother which she never even offered to let me wear. We weren't poor and both my parents invested a lot of money in their own clothes. .

So I basically believed I wasn't worth spending money on for clothes and didn't deserve to look nice.

My NM never complimented me once, not even on my wedding day and the less said about my EnF, the better.

My DH has, on occasion, had to twist my arm and push me to buy some very pretty dresses which I love but hardly ever wear, because they're "too nice" for me.

I agree that it probably has to do with issues of self esteem and since coming Out of the FOG, I have a couple of mantras which help when I'm feeling stuck, and for this issue repeating  "because I'm worth it" which is a silly advertising slogan, works a treat.

[Thru the Rain]

Yes this is a problem for me. I dress nicely for work, but it's strangely hard for me to dress nicely in other areas of my life. DH is so supportive and always tells me I look nice when I've put on something special. He knows this has been troubling to me.

I took me some soul searching to take better care of my hair too. I now get regular color and keratin treatments. I could almost hear my M sneering in my head "must be nice".

[11JB68]

Yes. I like to dress nice, and sometimes sort of eclecticly. UOCPDH is often critical of how I look, or what I'm wearing, in his opinion it's too something...too dressed up, too casual, too revealing, too 'different'...
I have clothes I love that I haven't worn because I'm afraid of his reactions.

[Dukkha]

I have this problem.  I have tons of nice clothes and jewelry but can't wear any of it without feeling awful.
Some is self hatred, some is fear of drawing attention.

[JollyJazz]

Dear all,

Thanks so much for your replies It always amazes me how many of us have similar struggles due to PD upbringings! Your posts are a reminder of where these issues came from for me too - my mother always had a lot to say about what I 'should' wear. She even used to throw out some of my clothes without asking.

I'm going to try and just push through my feelings of discomfort when I wear nicer things. I think it is a sign of growth to push past the feeling of 'too muchness' and that wearing slightly nicer things are 'too good' for me. I think it will help me to just feel more felt confident.

My 'default setting' is to slink back into my frumpy clothes and leave my nicer things tucked at the back of the wardrobe. I'm also going to make sure that things fit well, some of the modifications are very affordable. I don't need to spend a lot I don't think.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone

[11JB68]

 

[1footouttadefog]

I have issues with being sensitive to fabric textures and having clothing to u or put pressure on areas like joints , or my neck etc. 

For example I wore a blouse recently that will cause me to feel my pulse in my elbow even though it does not overall seem tight there.  It's just how it gets bunched up when I bend my arm.

Silly I know but it's a thing.  Anyway, it is so easy to stick with what works.  I have a bad habit of staying with the same low hanging fruit with comfort.

I do make more effort to examine things and do a mental check list when purchasing items and I don't buy things that fail even if they are a great deal.

I have upped my appearance re clothing some the last couple of years by waiting to buy quality garments that are almost 100 percent perfect.

My dream is to walking a store with oodles of cash and buy several new outfits and go home and round up everything for donation. 

If only it were that easy to just throw money at the issue, good clothes are hard to find.  It's more like a treasure hunt.

[Spygirl]

I was bullied by my stbxh into wearing only jeans and solid color tops. Brown, beige, white. Same for dresses. Conservative, brown,beige, white, or blue. Solid colors. Patterns "hurt his eyes"

I was alot flashier befor we married, and was complimemted for it, even by him.

I look back and now I realize it was my job to be as drab and invisible as possible. I even dyed my Blonde hair Brown and wore that for 7 years, up all the time.

Even the house had to be soft solid colors.

A year out, and there is color and pattern everywhere again! I am saturating myself in it!
I even went back to my blonde hair and added blue highlights to some of it! I started to get compliments again even.

I promise myself that i will NEVER deny myself what i love to please someone else. If they do not enjoy my person, style, pets or home, they can shove off!

I say be bold, enjoy your life! You only have so much time left, do not allow anyone to steal your joy anymore. Remarkably, my stbxh has been complimentry on the rare occasion i have to see him. I know he is being fake. I wear the most brite, loud things i have in his presence on purpose.

[Cascade]

Yes, I have some issues with clothes too. I don't like to wear anything that makes me stand out, like certain patterns or styles. I never had a problem with that years ago but now I'll often not buy something or wear something if I think it'll prevent me from fading into the background.

[JollyJazz]

I think it doesn't need to be super expensive to dress nicer. I think the main thing is having cuts and colours that suit, as well as comfortable fabrics - things that make you feel good!

I am planning out the things I want to get. Sometimes its just a case of wearing the things I already own but make me feel 'too much'.

I think the colour thing is interesting! I also like bright colours and patterns.

I do think its interesting the way PD's like to control the things we wear! What we wear is such a source of self expression and individual personality. Wear things that make you feel comfortable and happy I say

[GentleSoul]

Great topic.  I make an effort to dress nicely. 

I made a decision to take action on this.   The first thing I did was go through my clothes and dump/donate the ones that were too big or frumpy.  Also the "hiding, shapeless" clothes.  I dumped the invisible woman clothes I had bought.

I now have a selection of fitted outfits that are smart, casual and also comfortable fitting.  Clothes that I can layer due to the changeable weather here.  Thin layers, not heavy uncomfortable fabrics. 

Has made an enormous difference to how I feel.  A big uplift for me.   

Another biggie for me was that I changed from high heels to cute flatties.  I had a voice in my mind telling me I had to wear high heels.  I am not sure who it was but boy, it was wrong.  Having flat, comfortable but also cute shoes is a gift to me.  Again comfort and confidence.

My favourite outfits are my smart but comfortable black trousers, cute flatties then I have a whole selection of nice tops to wear with them.  Add a little jacket and I am good to go.  Anywhere! 

[Spygirl]

Pretty amazing how something as simple as clothing can effect your outlook!

I have rwmoved al.ost all the clothing my PD liked from my wardrobe, and replaced with things i wanted that had no.memories attached. Such a relief.

Very happy for your feelings of happiness. They are earned.

[newlife33]

I feel the same way.  I have noticed that instead of worrying about my whole style picture I had to go piece by piece.  First I started brushing my teeth more.  Then I got new hair paste.  Then I bought better fitting clothes.  Then I had a few trial and error periods with clothing.  It slowly has built and built and I almost feel confident in my style!

[JollyJazz]

So good to hear your stories!

I went to the mall and bought a replacement pair of jeans and some new makeup which I'm happy about I am on a budget at the moment, so I can't buy all the things I'd like, which is okay but I am planning out which things to replace. I think just making sure I wear the nicer clothes I have is important, and actually wearing the makeup I want to and wearing clothes that work together well is a good first step.

Another thing I am doing is identifying styles that I like... for instance, like many non's who have grown up around PD's I have struggled with assertiveness and confidence. I have been watching old movies lately and I love the energy and confidence of some of the old time movie stars, so I want to channel some of that sassy confident energy, I bought a jacket with (faux) fur kind of like a Betty Davis style

[StayWithMe]

I love the fashion on The MArvelous Mrs. Maisel.

My mother over the years has accused me of dressing frumpy.  And buying clothes too large.......o h dear, well if she and her mother had not "teased" me about being when I was growing up......

[JollyJazz]

Hi StayWithMe,

Sorry to hear you had to deal with those negative opinions from your mother about something as personal as how you dressed

I just looked up Mrs Maisel, the fashions look so awesome, I love those lady like styles That's awesome!!!

Isn't it nice that we can wear what we want now!

[1footouttadefog]

I like wearing cottons and other things that tend to wrinkle.  I also enjoy wearing crisply ironed clothes.For me taking time to iron and not feel guilty has been a big step in improving how I dress.

To accomplish this I now binge watch a program on a weekend night and iron as I follow along.  Add a glass or wine or a cocktail and this is time we'll spent.

Having a wardrobe of clothing pressed and organized and ready to go makes dressing better easy for weeks ahead. 

I wear jeans and t-shirts at home, but having a ready to go wardrobe makes changing in and out of better clothes easy for church, social outings, dinners, meetings etc.

I can often change back out and get a second or more use from a coat and slacks or mix and match them with other items. 

I have noticed that since taking care of myself in this way, my daughters are also dressing better and selecting more mature and quality clothing without prodding from me.  They are dressing in a modest yet flattering way and each has a since of style of their own.