Possible abuse that I can't remember [TW: sexual abuse]

[nothinghere]

Let me preface this by saying I really can't remember much of my childhood. Which makes me think that I could be imagining these scenarios and just creating excuses for why I am the shitty person I am. I also know that repressed abuse memories are not even really proven to be real so I might just be an emotional hypochondriac and full of shit.


But. I think I might've been sexually abused as a kid. I've looked at pages before detailing symptoms of it and I found I matched with some of it. BUT at the same time I realize that I was definitely physically/emotionally abused and that might have related symptoms.


So here it is. First the people I suspect:

• my grandpa (weird memories with him, like driving to a random sketchy garage with men sitting around playing poker but I don't remember what happened afterwards + a deep-seated fear of him - I suspect him the most because he took care of me and my sister for an entire year)
• My bullies (ripped my shirt off at one point)
• That childhood friend's dad who was too touchy (always saying I was handsome while touching me)
• The neighbour boy who lived across the street and who randomly came into my house that one time I remember

And the things that make me suspect it might've happened (i had more comprehensive list at one point but I deleted it so i might be missing some things):

• Remembering the one time I woke up and found the front door open/not fully closed assumed it was my dad smoking but he said that never happened
• Weird fabricated memories that no one else seems to remember
• Nightmares a lot as a kid
• Compulsion to look into sexual abuse stories (like this comic that everyone else talked about as incredibly depressing but that I just returned to read almost for fun in the same way some abused people I've talked to can just joke and be like haha that was pretty messed up that happened to me)
• intense sexual fantasies at a pretty early age
• the stomach issues and UTIs that presented themselves during my childhood
• Not sure about this one as my timelines are all messed up, but Experimenting anally before even mastrubating properly or really seeing porn as far as I know
• Acting out and stealing and being emotionally stunted as a kid. Also Bedwetting + fire setting + cruelty towards animals that made me think i might be a psychopath
• Physical sensations I can feel in my body at times when I focus on this stuff
• my sister's sexual abuse survivor like symptoms
• missing my child hood memories
• (sorry for the tmi) The fact that I never even wanted to wipe or focus on my butt at all for way too long even when my parents told me to
• rape nightmares the first time I finished sleeping with a guy
• I'm trans and I have this weird feeling that maybe I transitioned to get away from all of this

I don't know what to make of it. I told my ex this when I first had the thought and she dismissed it and told me I was crazy and over-emotional. I don't blame her as we had just gotten out of a codependent relationship where I was very flea-ridden towards her. But the same way that I told a friend about the physical abuse and he dismissed it (because i suspect his immigrant parents similarly beat him and he's chosen a different way of dealing with it) that dismissal completely made me doubt that it was valid. I'm still doubting myself and wondering if I'm crazy because i do have this paranoid ability to disassociate and read tons of meaning and danger and manipulation into other people close to me (though I think this may just be a hyper vigilant response). I sent a message to my sister but she hasn't responded, either because I've triggered her or because she hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me...again I ended up being one of those with CPTSD who adapts to the fight response and I suspect I have probably damaged my sister as well. What do you all make of this?


It's really bugging me and I've almost been trying to trigger myself by watching more sexual abuse documentaries and having sex with guys in an attempt to recreate what it would've been like. I don't know if this is just an attempt to distract myself from the painful feelings around physical and emotional abuse that I've just recently acknowledged.

[RavenLady]

Hi nothinghere. Welcome to Out of the FOG. This sounds like an incredibly painful journey you've been on. In addition to the non-sexual abuse you are already sure of, to have these kinds of questions hanging overhead must be very, very hard. I can't speak to your exact situation, but I know listening to the pain and allowing myself to feel it is something I avoided for decades until my body said STOP. Then I had to face it.  With the help of a good therapist, my pain and suffering from abuse has greatly diminished. I hope you can get that kind of help, ideally before your body says STOP in an, er, inconvenient way. You deserve it.

Are you thinking the possible abuse was related to a personality disordered individual? That would be where people around here are most able to provide support.

You might check out Out of the Storm and other resources on C-PTSD. I can heartily recommend Pete Walker's "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving." He describes a very practical set of tools to foster recovery.

I had a good friend who processed repressed memories of her grandfather's sexual abuse. Her family didn't believe her at first and it was truly awful...then her sister came forward...and her mother, too. Turns out he'd hurt all of them. She cut him out and now lives with her sister and mom. It worked out really well for her/them, eventually. So...you're not alone and your journey can heal.

Healing to you!

[xredshoesx]

welcome to Out of the FOG nothing here,

i have a similar background with my grandpa, who did all the same stuff to my mom he did to me except she had a baby when she was 14 and they call him my 'uncle'.

i worked with a therapist intensely during the time i became aware of what really happened.  i was triggered after being sexually assaulted by a coworker and then having to deal with it when mgmt did nothing about it (other than he eventually got fired for something else).  i found a therapist in my area through RAINN. 

https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

we will never question you about whether it happened or not.    the forum here is focused on people recovering from abusive from uPD/ PD people.  the million dollar question for you is this.do you think anyone in your history may have/ has a personality disorder?

here's some links that may help you connect the dots-

Top 100 Traits     


Disorders   

we can't offer diagnosis or medical advice but we can look at the information in such a way to draw conclusions on what may be going on with others in our lives to help us move forward and not keep recreating the situations where PD/ uPD abuse continues, just with different people.