More crazy making fun!

Started by Amadahy, February 07, 2019, 04:54:52 PM

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Amadahy

Sigh. Something that would look normalish to a non PD-familiar bystander happened and it's maddening!

I'm ill. I mention to Nmom I am ill so she will shush about me visiting. Soooo...she takes a cab to my house today at a time she thinks I'll be at work w several bags of groceries. Sounds lovely, eh? Well.....

She came when she thought I'd be away. A move to corner my kids so she can play the good gma. They all three don't like her, but are polite. My oldest has trouble hiding his discomfort so she says "he's like his father," a slam toward DH.

And groceries! I really like doing my own shopping and I paid her rent last month, so she has a little financial cushion and she's going to blow it. Aaarrrgh. And, let's face it, the groceries are just a way to get in, to again be sooooo benevolent. She had the nerve  last month to tell GC sis she was "keeping us up," I.e, financially supporting us. Sis knew better, but really??!!

I really am ill, did not feel social, so said quickly, "I've got to go to the bank. Can I give you a ride home?" She had made herself comfy, but I. Just. Could. Not. So her keeping-us-up, "I'm sooooooo worried about you" visit lasted all of five minutes. I'm whooped.

Every interaction is damaging. When will I learn?! 

Thanks for putting up w a rant!  🙂

:hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

WomanInterrupted

It's enough to drive you mad, isn't it?   :stars:

And this is why it's *so* hard for people in normal, functional, loving families to get it, or understand where we're coming from, because in their FOC or FOO there are NO hidden motives or agendas.

Corners grandchildren without you - check.

Buys groceries you don't need, with money she doesn't have - check.

Feigns concern - check.

Badmouths you to others, to puff herself up - check!

I have a suggestion - if she doesn't have her rent money for next month, don't pay it for her.  Let HER figure it out, without you.   :yes:

If she can't or won't - not your circus, not your monkeys.   :ninja:

:hug:


practical

Ugh! I recently read the advice to narcissist "Don't give them personal information" - I guess that includes being sick  :roll:

Your M has build herself her very own delusional world, castles in the sky so to speak, in which she is the loving mother and hero. Nothing you can do about it other than stay away as far as you can.

Nice move to get her out within 5 minutes, maybe next time not open the door, even if the lights in the house are on, even if she knows you are home.

Hope you feel better soon! :bighug:
If I'm not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I'm only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?" (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

looloo

I feel ya, Amadahy—you're just taking a day off from work, under the weather, just trying to rest up, when out of nowhere, your mother swoops in to exploit the entire situation for her benefit  >:(

And NO ONE in the "normal" world will see it for what it is.  I second WI's suggestion to let the chips fall for your mother next time and not come to the financial rescue. 

Hope you feel better soon...
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

Pepin

Quote from: Amadahy on February 07, 2019, 04:54:52 PM
And groceries! I really like doing my own shopping and I paid her rent last month, so she has a little financial cushion and she's going to blow it.

I am sorry you aren't feeling 100%.  Yes, it sounds like your mother wants to swoop in and save the day!  I can absolutely relate to the "groceries" -- PDmil has a long history of doing this...expecting us to eat what she buys and makes -- I guess as an adult I don't know how to shop and feed my own family?   :blink:  I'm pretty sure that both DH and I proved to her when we hosted meals that we are indeed capable of serving food that we understand how to prepare and tastes good!   :doh: 

I agree about keeping personal details to yourself.  NF used to think that my health was his right to know  and I learned to stop telling him anything because it would later be used against me. 

As challenging as it is, you can turn her away at the door and if she tells you in advance that she is coming you can also say no. 

Both my kids are teens and generally are polite but like your son, my oldest teen has a difficult time around PDmil and shuts down.  This infuriates DH.  My teen in my opinion doesn't really do this on purpose -- she just doesn't understand how to cope yet with a person like PDmil.  It is demoralizing for her to see the relationship PDmil has with her father. 

Get well soon!


Amadahy

Y'all really rock. TY. ❤️

We were porch-sitting when the taxi came. 😳

The grief came today. I'm grieving that I can't love her and I can't hate her and I can't count her as irrelevant in my life. I'm grieving that to barely protect myself I have to be someone I'm not -- I'm warm and fuzzy and "have a cup of coffee" conversational.  I'm grieving that my sons have one living grandparent left who they dislike and distrust and that they see their mom hurting about the whole mess.  I'm grieving that she cannot be different and I pity her greatly. Greatly. If I let my guard down, I'm toast. If I keep up these self-preserving skills, I'm still wildly sad and angry.  You all know all of this. Some days it just hits hard, like crying in the middle of Walmart hard. Sigh.

I have a counseling appointment 2/22, the first in 19 years.  I'm due.  Bless you all for compassion and empathy. I'd go crazy(er) without it. ❤️
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

RavenLady

Amadahy -- It just hurts, inside and out, no doubt about it. I'm really sorry.

But honestly, I'm impressed by your chops. 5 minutes! Most people can't turn such a big ship that quickly. My compliments! Especially since you obviously are "warm and fuzzy and 'have a cup of coffee' conversational." Way to limit the damage to yourself and your kids, even while you were sick, surprised and your defenses were down. You have big strong boundary muscles and are an inspiration to me.

HUGS
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

practical

:bighug: All the work we do here to protect us, heal, it doesn't mean it won't hurt sadly enough.

Not being able to be ourselves around our PDparents is one of the hardest things I have found. Hope you have plenty of other people whom you can be "warm and fuzzy and "have a cup of coffee" conversational" with.

Great timing and great self-care to have a T appointment set up.
If I'm not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I'm only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?" (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)