Asserting my terms

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biggerfish

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Asserting my terms
« on: February 13, 2019, 08:20:12 AM »
So on the outside, it would appear I just finished asserting my terms just fine. But on the inside, I'm seething and fixated and shaking. And truth be told, it's about something minor. Still and all, this is about terms which really do matter to me.

Here's what happened: a relative, who keeps wanting to meet up with me, has once again said they (she and her hubby) would like to come visit and go out to dinnner. Whenever I have gotten together with her in the past, something was always just kind of "off" but this time, I thought having her husband there might make it better, so I said yes.

Anyway, I emailed her with three possible dates, and told her my terms about where we will eat out. The location of where we eat out has been an issue before.

I received her email reply this morning, and sure enough, she won't accept my terms. So here's what I did in my counter-reply:
  • I kept my reply short
  • I said no thanks
  • I didn't JADE
  • I said "maybe some other time when you want to eat out where I prefer"

I'm not used to drawing this kind of boundary. I'm happy with how I handled it, but why does this upset me so much? I need advice on how to let it go.

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Malini

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Re: Asserting my terms
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2019, 10:15:04 AM »
Hi Biggerfish,
 
You already had the feeling that things wouldnít work out, but decided to give it a chance and kindly offered three dates but were firm on the location. And then this relative who keeps wanting to really, really meet with you doesnít like your choice of location and blows you off.

I can only speak from my experience and when similar stuff happens to me, it can be  triggering because I realise  that I obviously didnít mean enough to this person for them to make an effort for me, which then inevitably reminds me that my parents treated me the same way.

I usually feel angry and after sitting with that feeling a bit, I feel sad and that usually helps me let go. Journaling is a tool I use when some things stick in my craw for too long.

Good for you for maintaining your boundaries in such a healthy and strong way.
"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky

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biggerfish

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Re: Asserting my terms
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2019, 06:59:53 PM »
And then this relative who keeps wanting to really, really meet with you doesnít like your choice of location and blows you off.

I can only speak from my experience and when similar stuff happens to me, it can be  triggering because I realise  that I obviously didnít mean enough to this person for them to make an effort for me, which then inevitably reminds me that my parents treated me the same way. 
Yes! If she wants to go to this other city for dinner, she and her hubby can go any time. They don't need me with them. I felt a little used.

Thanks for the support. Just what I needed!

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Asserting my terms
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2019, 05:46:36 AM »
When I dare to assert myself I feel excitement,  dread,  and a little bit of resentment all mingled up together at the same time. It is something that does not come naturally to me - it would have been life threatening when I was a child and caused a very scary rage in my marriage. So now, on the few occasions I have ventured out and asserted myself, I felt this mixture of feelings. With time and sensible self-talk I convinced myself that the excitement is pride for having stood up for myself. And that in spite of my conditioning I have dared to assert myself.
So congratulations! Be proud of yourself and feel the feelings you feel now - maybe that is how you feel after asserting yourself!

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biggerfish

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Re: Asserting my terms
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2019, 01:48:15 PM »
I convinced myself that the excitement is pride for having stood up for myself. And that in spite of my conditioning I have dared to assert myself.
So congratulations! Be proud of yourself and feel the feelings you feel now - maybe that is how you feel after asserting yourself!
:yeahthat:  I love this. I was expecting myself to not be worked up. But actually, some of that "worked up" feeling is pride! It's okay to feel proud of myself for this.

Thank you, notrightinthehead.