Hoover advice

[Foxbrown]

Hi, it's been ages since I have been on here. Things have gotten a lot easier with NC over the last few months so I must not have needed any validation, hurrah!

Now I need a little bit of advice though if anyone can offer some please?

Just had a hoover text after I asked for space 4 months ago, saying NPD parents need to talk to me. I'm not falling for it, I know it's a hoover, I don't want to talk to them nor do I have any interest in what they want to say. I'm really starting to enjoy life and see things in a lot more positive light. Although I feel slightly triggered by the text I am 100 times stronger than I was at the beginning of NC when I would be curled up on the floor shaking petrified about them "coming after me"

So, for now I am ignoring it and getting on with my day. However, Hubby thinks I need to tell them I do not ever want to hear from them again ( he really doesn't understand NPD behaviour, although I've shown him plenty of articles he just doesn't "get" it. ) He thinks I just need to tell them my reasons for wanting to cut off contact and that will be that, we will all live happily ever after in our separate worlds! Oh how I wish. I on the other hand do not want to respond at all and want to block this last form communication ( ENF phone ) but am worried they will use this as an excuse to turn up at my home or work feigning concern that they keep trying to contact me but that I am non responsive and they are just soooooooooooooooooooo worried about me. I could really do without any face off's!

I have lost 99% of family and family friends, as experienced over the festive season, which I am ok with. I'm not missing anyone and am enjoying spending all my time with kind people that actually like me! So I'm not concerned about losing any extended family, they have already chosen to support my parents. So I don't have any people as such to lose. I just don't know if I need to send the DO NOT CONTACT ME response or carry on as I am, oblivious to their chaos?

[Malini]

Hi Foxbrown,

So great to have such a positive update on how things are going for your now. It's wonderful that life is more enjoyable and more positive for you. 

When I was in the FOG, my response times to my parents were minimal, I'd jump and run at their smallest command. Coming Out of the FOG, I learned that if I wait before responding or sit with an unpleasant feeling for a bit, the next step forward would usually reveal itself

I think you know your parents better than anyone, and like you, I knew any "Please don't contact me any more" message to my own would have no effect at all, other than probably to spur them on to disregard that request as per usual.

I don't think I'd respond either and continue your life "oblivious to their chaos". Whether you do or don't respond will have little effect on their reaction. If they want to come by, stalk and harass you, they will regardless of if you've send them a "finally final" response or not. The only thing you "need to do" is what feels right for YOU.

Take care.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Congratulations on feeling stronger after 4 months. That's tremendous. I'm guessing this isn't the first hoover attempt? It's not really clear to me.

If I reading this right, your FOO already knows you don't want contact. What would an additional notification accomplish for you?

I can share my own story and I hope it helps. I similarly asked for space, but in my case the hoovers were immediate and persistent. Phone calls, letters, texts, all blocked and trashed unopened. Once I got six cards from my mother in one day. Ignored it all. For months.  Until my NF made allegations of child neglect to my pastor and tried to gain access to the kids without me present. Then I saw a lawyer and sent a terse cease and desist letter, threatening legal action against them if I ever heard from them again. That worked. Blessed silence! Well, for a few months so far. We'll see I guess.

So, imho, if you do decide to reiterate no contact, that only makes sense of there's a clear consequence you can attach to it. Merely crying, "Leave me alone!!!" will probably encourage them. Bullies love to hear their victims beg. Good luck!

[JustKat]

Hi Foxbrown,

Congratulations on coming so far in your journey toward healing. It sounds like you're doing incredibly well, especially in coping with the loss of your extended family. It's so hard to accept that they chose the other side. I still struggle with that one and think it's great that you've reached the point of ... meh, their loss, don't need them. Good for you.

As for the hoovering text, I agree with the others that it's best to ignore. Speaking from my own experience with an NPDmother and enFather, telling them to leave me alone would only throw fuel on the fire and make them double down. If they know you want to be left alone and you respond, it verifies that they successfully got to you. I'd ignore it and leave them wondering.

I understand your concern about them showing up at your home or office. I had that worry too, though they never did do it. They just persisted with the cards and letters, waiting to trigger me into a response. I also understand your hubby not "getting it." Mine doesn't either. He understands some of it, but not all of it. I don't think it's possible to truly understand the mindset of NPD parents if you haven't lived with one.

I'd keep on carrying on being oblivious to their chaos. It sounds like you're doing great!

Take care.

[Foxbrown]

Thank you for your responses, you all told me what I wanted/needed to hear. That it's ok to ignore. I didn't respond and instead blocked my enF from my phone. He was the last one to be blocked and I was holding off doing so as he had previously respected my request for space. Now he has crossed my boundary he's been shut down.

I have received numerous hoovers from flying monkeys over the last 4 months, all of which I have dealt with. This was the first "direct" hoover from parents.

The loss of extended family/friend stings a little. But I do remind myself that I didn't ever enjoy family get togethers anyway as I would always just be covertly bullied/used/mocked and couldn't wait to get away from them all!

Although I have no proof that a smear campaign is underway ( as I haven't heard anything to confirm this ) I am guessing that is what is happening as I didn't receive any birthday cards this year from the usual family that always send them . I did however get a card from Nmother telling me they have always loved me and are thinking of me. This smacks of her dutiful mother act. I can actually picture her telling all her cronies " I know foxbrown is a bad egg, but she's still my daughter and I love her dearly, even though she's treating us sooooooo badly " It's so blatant! Nmother is telling lies to all and sundry to alienate me from family, but not actually getting her hands dirty by joining in the overt mobbing. It's genius really! The perfect crime. I wish more people would cotton on to this sort of behaviour, I can spot this sort of manipulation a mile off these days.

I have just read through my post and realise I am not the best at articulating, my apologies! When the actions we experience are so messed up/backwards it's very hard to put into words that make sense!