What to do when you're the last one left?

[qwezrty]

Hi,

My uBP mother only has me...anyone who has tried to be her friend ends up not being good enough by my mother's standards. My grandparents have passed away, my brother has been NC for 10+ years, my aunties have limited contact with my mother (only generally at funerals!). This leaves me as the only person mother has. Recently she has become house bound due to 'fear of people'...therefore I have to do her food shop online. I am the 'appointee' for her benefits and have to speak to the benefit adviser every month. I am the only person my mother speaks to, and she texts me numerous times throughout the day.

I feel so lost as to what to do.  She brings so much chaos and upset into my life but at the same time I feel too guilty to go NC in the knowledge that she has no one else.

I wondered if anyone else had experience of being the only one left?  Have you gone NC or have you stuck around out of obligation?

[Psuedonym]

Hey qwertzy,

I went back and looked at some of your previous posts and remembered how much alike your mother and mine are.

You mentioned a while back about how your mother said she 'wishes she lived in a granny flat at the bottom of the garden'. Uh huh. And now she's magically house bound due to her 'fear of people'. This sounds suspiciously like an alternate version of my mother moving into an independent living facility surrounded by people and then suddenly being too 'sick' to leave her apartment all the time.

I want you to consider the following possibility: your mother is consciously constructing this reality in which she is all alone so that she guilts you into letting her live with you. In other words, it is largely an act in order to get her way. The fact that she has no friends is due entirely to her own behavior. If she is afraid of leaving the house, then she needs to see a psychiatrist. Those aren't problems for you to solve.

If you haven't read it, I would highly recommend the book Emotional Blackmail. The author makes the very important point that emotional blackmailers do what they do for one reason: it works.

I have been NC for about 2 months, and I have to tell . you it's one of the best decisions I've ever made. My uBPDm would do many of the same things yours does, including isolating herself, calling multiple times a day, and claiming I was the only person she had. When she was finally confronted with the reality of her behavior and the choice to either remain NC or apologizing and committing to changing, her response was 'I don't have anything to apologize for'. That's how much she actually needed me. Obligation is the O in FOG for a reason...it's hard to get past it but once you do you'll gain a lot of clarity.

[Marinette]

Hi Qwetzy,
I am in a very similar situation.
I am also the last one left for my unPd mother. I don't even have any siblings.
In fact, there is no single living relative left on my mother's side except for me and my 2 young kids. My mother has 2 old friends she is in touch with sometimes. She doesn't work, and doesn't  have any social life.
What helps me is the fact that we live across the ocean from each other.
Things are incredibly suffocating when she visits. I feel like I am going to loose it by the end of her visit.
I feel for you!!!!

[Blackbird11]

Im an only child and have always stayed close to home because of the guilt of leaving my mother alone. She has friends but very few, and they have learned over the years that short periods of time with her are better. If my mom wants to travel, I have to go with her because literally nobody else can deal with her. I have a baby now so I don't have time to travel with her much less see her often. I live close enough for her to visit but far enough that she's not around all the time. A lot of life circumstances have prevented me from moving to a warmer climate (life long dream) but guilt is definitelt one of those reasons. Im just continuously trying to use the tools with her now to manage our relationship. It's harder to use them with her than it is with my h (uPD as well).

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm the last one left. I stick around out of obligation.

My uPDm's husband barely talks to her and I don't blame him. They're only together because they are old and can't afford to live on their own. She meets ladies in her neighborhood but they don't stick around very long once they see what she's all about.

I do the obligatory once a week call and take her out for lunch occasionally. I think for my peace of mind, I'm going to stay low contact and not go no contact. All hell would break loose if I went no contact. She knows things about my past (my incredible over-sharing years ago) and she'd involve my children, husband, Facebook, Instagram, billboards and more if I dared to go NC.

I can only hope this will be over soon. My uPDmom isn't very healthy but keeps on going like the Energizer bunny. 

[newbieHPDdaughter]

Hello,

I'm sorry this is happening to you! I probably don't have great advice, as I only just discovered that my mum has uHPD, but I will say that guilt is one of the ways they manipulate us. My mum also has "no family left" (her and her sister are estranged), but this is NOT OUR FAULT! Maybe it isn't hers either (it is an illness after all), but you do not have to give up your sanity to save hers.

I wish you all the strength you have available to deal with this!

[daughter]

I'm in fact NC.  But if I had remained dutifully-attentive, likely I'd have resorted to outsourcing much of the day-to-day physical contact elder-care.  I was the SG dutiful daughter who was expected to become the eventual elder-care provider, given that my NBM and enNF adamantly (and often) expressed their expectation that they'd never leave their home, unless feet first; that that's what daughters are for.  I've one sibling, GC "princess" nsis, who never "did for" anyone, for whom my parents provide near every household and childcare task even now, so it was clear who was really intended to be enslaved for elder-care duties. 

My parents, now in their 80s, are still active and mobile, so issue hasn't presented itself yet.  Note, I'm still waiting for the eventual "duty summons" call, demanding that I attend to their needs, dog-whistling me back into dutiful daughter role.  Don't think I'll do it.

[qwezrty]

Thank you for your replies - it is really helpful reading your experiences   Currently uBPM is not really saying much to me - perhaps I 'should' see this as a good thing - but I do not find the silence relaxing because it feels like the storm is on its way.

I found old notes I had written from 6 years ago - when I was really unwell both physically and mentally. uBPM was being argumentative with me for being a bit miserable and not wanting to do much. She had said that it was pointless to do any Christmas celebrations if I was so miserable. I explained that everything felt pointless and she said if everything was pointless then I should jump off a cliff and she was sorry to have given birth to me. This is just one of a number of hurtful things she has said over the years. I cannot believe I am still in this situation.

Things with my mother are causing problems for my other half and I. During the first few years of my relationship, my partner was very understanding about my mother. However it has reached a stage where my partner thinks the only way through this is to go NC. The other half said they have seen me be treated so badly for so long that it cannot carry on, it has a huge impact on my health and quality of life. .I feel torn. Part of my head keeps defending my mother despite the emotional abuse. 'but mum has been through so much...she used to be really nice to me...we had some good times when I was a child...she still is nice sometimes' etc etc. I just cannot find a way forward.

I want you to consider the following possibility: your mother is consciously constructing this reality in which she is all alone so that she guilts you into letting her live with you. In other words, it is largely an act in order to get her way. The fact that she has no friends is due entirely to her own behavior. If she is afraid of leaving the house, then she needs to see a psychiatrist. Those aren't problems for you to solve.

If you haven't read it, I would highly recommend the book Emotional Blackmail. The author makes the very important point that emotional blackmailers do what they do for one reason: it works.

I have been NC for about 2 months, and I have to tell . you it's one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I have ordered the Emotional Blackmail book - thank you for the recommendation Psuedonym. Our mothers do sound very similar! I can envisage NC being extremely liberating...I just do not know if it is possible or where I would start...

[Starboard Song]

We are NC from my MIL and FIL. My BIL is a great guy and amazingly is maintaining relationships with everyone, with great respect.

For my part, whatever needs they have in old age and at their last days, their relationship to me will be that of any other old person who does not know or care for me. They can call their other child or buy help.

I don't expect to ever again be involved on any account or to the least degree.

[Duck]

My question always is - what would these people have done if they had not procreated? I do not have children by choice and many others do not have children as well. Whatever will I do without little slaves to caretake me in my old age? I imagine I will need to get my act together, consult a lawyer and perhaps form a support network with a few close friends. I will need to plan and maybe not be a jerk.

I am often angry at parents who don't plan and just assume that others will clean up the mess of their lives.

All you would be doing if you leave her is transforming her into me, which is OK.

The other commenters are right - it is her fault she is alone. Just because someone carries a pregnancy to term does not mean they have the right to mistreat the person they gave birth to. Do whatever is best for you.