The Bad Head Trip

[Hepatica]

I am reaching out for any of you to put the "gaslit" fire in my heart and head out. My uNPD parents just had a big wedding anniversary and one of the only family members left (who I have not told I am NC with my parents to) just sent me two black and white photos of my parents wedding. (Her parents were the best man and maid of honour and her mother died this week, so I forgive her. She's really sharing more a picture of her mother and she's grieving.)

The pictures were there on my email and there are my parents, very young and gorgeous. My mother is smiling brightly and my dad looks a little puzzled.

I am in the throes of the beginnings of no contact as it's been since mid August. Yesterday I felt like I was grieving all day long. I couldn't do anything. I tried to work with myself to take myself out to a book store and buy a book to feel better and just get out, but I was sort of frozen and sad and even a little grouchy.

I am so sad this morning. I have lost everybody. I have only my husband. My old friend is married into the family and I can't talk to her. She's become a judgemental flying monkey. Not one person is available in real life to talk this out with other than my husband who must be so tired of it by now.

How to deal with the grief and the feeling like if I'd only give in I wouldn't have to feel this way. I am heavy into the FOG. My sister whose chosen the enmeshed path and displays her loyalty to everyone gets all the positive attention. I get radio silence and judgement. This going against the grain is so hard.

But I don't know what else to do.

How did those of you who have taken the NC route manage, esp. those who live in a small town near to their FOO? This is all inflamed for me right now, I know bc of Christmas coming and this anniversary. I know I just have to get through it, because when Christmas is over I calm down.

Basically I am really just in need of venting and sharing that I'm wavering and scared and sad. Again I feel like moving thousands of miles away, and I can't. I am so tired of feeling like the "world" perceives me as mean and selfish.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Oh dear Hepatica. I seriously know what you're feeling now. Huge hug if you'd like one

I'm on an upswing in my grief after NC for almost four months so far but I have no real answers to take the agony away. All I can say is it comes in waves. I feel good today, I need to prepare myself for feeling awful again soon though, and figure out faster mental routes out of my guilt. (Remember: the guilt is just a sign that you still care and empathize with them, that's all. If they don't empathize with you than you don't need to act on that.)

I too only have my husband to talk to. I feel like I've lost everybody. I'm floating in a lot of loneliness.

Grief has helped knock things loose, though, that's the positive. Memories and dreams come up like messages in my subconscious reminding me why I needed to make this choice. It's like I'm slowly putting together a puzzle and the picture of my dysfunctional FOO becomes clearer and clearer with each day (and each purging of sadness).

When I actually think of giving in and connecting with FOO again, I think "wait....I'll probably figure out a way to get away from them again!" Think of that: how long would you be happy giving in? Not long! You're taking the harder path but it's toward permanent good not temporary joy through enmeshment.

Also, be gentle with yourself! Swaddle and care for that scared and lonely child. Remind yourself it's only been a few months. Who gets over the death of a family member in a couple months? You're early in the process of acceptance and it's OK  sending you a virtual hot cup of tea in my mind if you'd like some. 

[Hepatica]

Thanks Distance,

I wish for both of us that we weren't going through this but I feel less uncertain and unstable knowing that other people are experiencing it. I am definitely in a wave and it's come with this anniversary reminder and the letter from my father. Thanks for your words of comfort. It really really helps.

I talked for a long time with my Dh on a walk today and we think, even though it's very disruptive, that we might have to move away - like a long distance away. My Dh agreed. He can see how much stress I am in.I am living fenced in here, with a locked gate, continually scanning the driveway for fear of seeing or running into my uNPD father who drops in when ever he feels like it. I am not in the healthy head space to run into him. I just don't want it anymore. I don't want him anywhere near me.

I had lived far away from here, having left home as a young adult and moved across country. That was the best decision of my life and that old saying is very true, for me anyway, 'you can't go back home again.' I shouldn't have come back here and I did. I was very naive then and knew nothing about family personality disorders.

Now, with age, my parents have condensed into even worse behaviour and my sister has the whole family and herself to protect them. They feel threatened my me setting boundaries, which makes them look at themselves, and with PD's this means I get punished and mobbed by the group of them. And I'm now getting stalked by my father. I feel like I am becoming ill and unstable by this.

I have to go. I just have to move. There doesn't seem to be any other choice now.  I thought that I was being perhaps dramatic when this came up for me before, this feeling that I need to flee, but I think I need to. The numbers here are too much against me and I am hiding away in my house. It's not living and my parents could go on living another ten or more years!

So we talked about moving back to where we met - 3000 miles away from where we are now. We know the city. We have some friends that live there. It's a huge move but it's not impossible and if it would give us a better quality of life, I think we have to consider it.

It's just talk but for the first time I felt it become something attainable bc my Dh agrees that this is too much unhappiness for me.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hepatica, I'm no contact with my family, but I live very far away from all of them or at least in a completely different state. From my perspective I can't imagine the pressure there would be on my healing and my mental state for peace of mind, with the pressure and presence of my family all around me so much. You need a detox!

The grief I'm feeling enough as it is without them actually being physically there in my life is extremely intense. If they were stopping in, reminding me of their presence and existence, and still around and trying to be a part of my life (and in such a pestering and invasive way!) I think I would be a crazy sad wreck! If one of them were especially stalking me in the manner that your father is stalking you, I would personally think I would have to move far, far, far away to feel whole (and I kind of did that already when I was 17 years old - but like you I came back into the fold as I got older but had no idea about family dysfunction and personality disorders, and that the very early and repressed patterns from my childhood would return with me back in the scapegoat role.)

I'm so glad you have a caring, empathetic husband who sees the hurt you're going through. It seems like he's trying to give you the support and strength and the general validation to make this big step where it may be hard to have this for yourself right now while you still feel in the mercy and clutches of your family, and while you are still in the early stages of grieving. He sees that you need that. My husband did that for my sake at one point in time, too.

If I were in your shoes, I would hold on to this plan for the future and look for a way to get out as soon as possible, even if it's a slow eventual process. From what you write it sounds like your gut and instincts are already screaming and crying out for it. I think even if you start entertaining the idea of being able to leave it will bring you much relief and help you with feeling a lot less trapped. Parts of it will be hard but you do have the power to leave and a better life awaits you elsewhere, far away from your toxic FOO. I don't think you'll regret it!

And you'll have folks here on this board to support you along the way. 

[Jolie40]

it sounds like that might be a good plan to move away & it seems your husband might be willing
since that's where you lived before, it might not be so hard to settle back


keep talking to us on Out of the FOG and know we will listen!

[Boat Babe]

I highly recommend physical, geographical distance.  I moved 100 miles from my mother and I haven't regretted once in twenty years. I see her about once a month and that works just fine for me, and to an extent, for her. Anything more and I'd be upping my meds like mad!

It's really sad that you have to consider the upheaval and expense of moving, but your FOO and especially your father are being abusive and you have to right to protect yourself.

[Hepatica]

Thanks Boat Babe and Jolie40.

If I had only stayed the 3000 mile distance... ugh. 

There needs to be a book written called Go to the Other End of the Earth if You Can.    Distance does make the heart grow fonder. When I lived far away, I didn't exactly think they were great but I did have a fondness for them. Now mired away in the dysfunction, it's no longer harmless.

[Boat Babe]

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't change it.

And, my favourite cos I get a great visual image,

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Now breathe ........

See if you can get your para sympathetic nervous system flowing.  Just five minutes of slow breathing gets you there.   And dancing elephants. 

[Hepatica]

Thank YOU BOAT BABE!! 

[nanotech]

I live furthest from my UNPDdad and it definitely makes it easier.
I've lived in the same town when my kids were young. They didn't pop in very much, but they used to DRIVE BY a lot, and then ring me and CRITICISE.
My net curtains needed washing/ the lawn needed mowing, whose was that car in the driveway? 
If my dad ever stopped by, it was just to use our driveway to park so he could  visit the shop nearby. He'd buy his DIY item then he'd be off. No thought of chilling with the grandkids for even a half an hour.
Then there's bumping into them in town, my friends knowing their friends, ending up with the same hairdresser, etc.
I really don't miss living where my sibs live either. The three of them all live in their home town. When I lived there it was the worst of both worlds. No family member had my back- instead they gossiped about me and undermined me to people. We didn't visit or mix unless they wanted something.
Instead of our shared childhood being a blessing, it gave my UNPDsis something to gossip about with her friends. Putting me down made her feel good. She sometimes  revealed  very private stuff about me to  her family of choice and her friends. She would  do this to my face and also behind my back.

I also think it's easier to feel and become self- differentiated if you live somewhere else than your childhood home. I enjoyed leaving behind those memories relating to the FOO  control and their manipulation and living somewhere where they couldn't jump in and photobomb my relationships.
We still have our wounds but moving away for me, meant that I could acknowledge,deal with them and truly grow up.

And moving away stops them from just turning up! It really does!

It's a big step though so have a deep think. I've given you my own experience.
I was reeled back in a few times. It gives us some short term approval. Moving away will be frowned on. Just say 'So what?' to that.
They prefer us close to them - in my case it was because publicly, we will then look like a close family -with them at the head, looking like excellent parents.

How about not caring what the world thinks of you?   
Plus do you realise that they are manipulating you into THINKING that the whole world 'thinks badly' of you when other folk probably don't care a hoot or who may even agree with your NC? You are allowing them to manipulate your thought processes. Your thoughts are not you- they are constructed from their past programming of you. You're programmed to feel shame, anxiety, worry, fear and guilt. Sometimes I still allow this self - abuse as well. But that's what it is. Those seeds planted years ago have become strangle weeds. They need to get pulled!

You are loved by the universe/ God/ yourself. just as you are.
You don't need to change anything to make yourself lovable to your parent. You are lovable just because you exist as a sentient being. Xx

[Hepatica]

Thank you nanotech,

That's right. I've been working on this all week, thinking to myself, why do I even imagine them thinking of me! They probably rarely do and isn't it a bit self centred to think they are and even if they are, so WHAT! It's a freeing feeling. You're right that we're wired to feel this anxiety and fear from the past.

That said, I mostly do not care what the family thinks of me but because I do strangely care about my elderly disordered parents, I also have no desire to hurt them. The problem resides in accepting that me co-creating a live a life of relative peace will undoubtedly narcissistically wound them because they will feel rejected. But I feel like I have no choice. I just cannot be around them.

I am looking at real estate in the part of the country I met my husband years ago. We met when we both lived 3000 miles away from our FOO's and it is not only a better climate it is a plane flight away. This is by no means a done deal, but I am remaining open to the possibility and feeling a sense of positive ease imagining it. It would remove every single one of the problems i am having.

Moving back to my home town where I am no was a big, bad mistake. I was so so unaware of how i had been affected by my family when I came back.

[thefivewhysguy]

" I am so tired of feeling like the "world" perceives me as mean and selfish."

Yeah...  me too.  That's been the hardest part for me too...  it seems like all sorts of people in the vicinity of my NC relationship (w/ my NPD mom) are mostly invested in getting me to reestablish contact, rather than being invested in me being healthy (or my mom being healthy!) 

My wife went so far as to divorce me and then establish contact with my mom, rather than support me in going NC.  (there's other stuff going on there but ...  wtf)

Anyway, in my experience at least it gets easier to go about my day to day and not be thinking about going NC...    it doesn't get easier to find out that someone thinks I'm overreacting.  That part is always hard.  Feels like being gaslit and makes me rage.

[Hepatica]

That's right fivewhys, the encouraging us to reestablish contact over our mental health. Key problem. They don't get that the continued contact is exactly the thing that keeps us sick. We figure that out and then it creates sides. It's the core issue. And because PD's are not going to be self-reflective and alter their behaviour, there's only one option, we become the problem. And I just can't anymore. I can no longer be this problem.

[illogical]

,,,How to deal with the grief and the feeling like if I'd only give in I wouldn't have to feel this way. I am heavy into the FOG. My sister whose chosen the enmeshed path and displays her loyalty to everyone gets all the positive attention. I get radio silence and judgement. This going against the grain is so hard.

But I don't know what else to do.

How did those of you who have taken the NC route manage, esp. those who live in a small town near to their FOO? This is all inflamed for me right now, I know bc of Christmas coming and this anniversary. I know I just have to get through it, because when Christmas is over I calm down.

Hi Hepatica,

I live in the same town as my NM (now deceased).  My GC brother, who is also a N, lives several states away.

Here are my thoughts on your situation--

*You must go your own way, find your own truth.
*Reach down inside yourself and summon all the courage that is within.
*Realize that those that align themselves with your dysfunctional family either are totally ignorant of the situation, or are going along with them because parents often get a "free pass" in our society & going NC is taboo, or they are enablers (FMs).
*Okay, you have lost your FOO.  You are an orphan.  Better an orphan than being in the dysfunctional "web" and caught up in their lies.  Better an orphan than losing your integrity, your self.

For a long time, I had a wedding picture of my parents that my NM gave me after my enF died.  It was beautiful-- it showed them as handsome and young and on the brink of life.  But somewhere along the way, they lost their way.  Their marriage turned into a "business" relationship.  They only cared about their needs, not their children.  Toxic, much?  Um, yeah.

After my enF died, my NM swooped down on me to take his place as a "surrogate husband".  She wanted me, her daughter, to move in with her or move in with me and have me be a slave forever.  Meanwhile, my greedy GC brother was states away, planning how to steal my portion of the inheritance, which he did.

How did I cope with being in the same town as my NM?

Well, in my case, it was a practical matter.  I had a very good job.  It would have been very impractical to move and start over.  But still, there were many a day when I wished I was thousands of miles away.

Fortunately for me-- if there was any "fortunate" in this situation-- my NM was an ignoring NM.  Once I stopped meeting her needs, she looked totally to GC brother.  Even though he was states away, he was willing to step in to my enabling role for the promise of inheritance.

My advice to you is that even though it's easier to go NC with physical distance, it can be done!  It involves "mental attitude" on your part.  You have to want to separate more than anything in the world.  You have to know that this decision to separate-- when you get to this level-- involves your survival.  It's either YOU or THEM.  So you choose you.  Against all odds, you choose YOU.  There is no price on freedom.

Take care!

[KeepingMyBlue]

Hepatica,
This is a great place to vent when you feel like a burden on your husband. It is for me. You are in good company here. :hugs: