UPDmom, NPdSis, FM's, and Inheritance Issues

[M0009803]

Just to update the forum,

The papers are about to be signed BUT

My mother is insisting on seeing me before the final payment for my inheritance is made, and she wants to make this into a clause (I made my lawyer draw up papers for the inheritance transaction)

This feels a bit like a power move on the Ns part.  But then she most likely also heard that I recently had a child (daughter), and wants to see if she can get some access because it is likely people are asking her how my daughter is doing (and she doesn't have a clue).

My wife and I already decided she won't have access to our family, but might be worth sitting down and letting her know this face to face.  She might get other ideas unless she hears it directly from me.

[Seven]

First thing to pop into my head is a big, old "NOPE". Please don't do it. It's  Just a power move and you seem to be the type of guy that Doesn't tolerate bullshit, and that's what this is.   Please don't give this to her.  She'll think she's won.  She has not.

[scapegoatnumerouno]

I have to agree with SEVEN on this one.  My first thought was "how in the world does someone have the guts to demand seeing another person before they will "give up" what that person is due by law"???!!!!!!!!  That is just soooooo bold!

[M0009803]

My orginal reaction was pretty much like everybody elses here as well.  Hell no.

I do however think that this conversation can be had in the presence of my lawyer.  PD folks tend to be on their best behavior when in the presence of another professional or person in authority. 

The reasons why I am considering this are:

1. It is likely that we will run into each other socially at extended family events.  There is no way to avoid this unless I avoid the family events, but this is not something I want to do (why should I hide in any event?  It feels like I am letting them win)  Also, my extended family is pretty neutral (they don't like my mother and older sister either as they are not happy people), I just haven't interacted with them much (as I lived abroad for much of my life), but I do want my daughter to get to know them (and her cousins).   If I don't set some ground rules now, it is likely family events would get awkward, and I don't want to spoil that for my daughter.  I am willing to grin and bear it for her sake.

2.  My mother also wants to talk to me about her own inheritance (the one that goes from her to me).   This is likely going to be a PD-minefield (with all sorts of weird conditions) but in my country, there are big tax advantages to giving your kids their inheritance (up to a certain amount per person) before you die.  Its a bit like using a living will and donating cash/properties to your inheritors (within the set donation limits). 

Now, what is interesting about my country (my lawyer explained this to me) is that my mother can gift my siblings €X each (so they benefit) using these tax rules, but she then also has to do the same to me.  There is literally no way around this.  If for example she gave €X to my siblings now and nothing to me, when she dies I would simply get that extra €X, above and beyond what my siblings were entitled to. 

I guess what I really want to see is what kind of story she ends up spinning (I am simply going to feign ignorance during the meeting), as that will be the final data point for me (if she tries to manipulate by attaching conditions at that point I would simply tell her thanks but no thanks.  I'll simply wait till you pass away then).

As an addendum:

Why do PD people seem to on average live to rather old ages? (I have seen this crop up many times on this site, but have been unable to explain the correlation)

My mother is 75 and can still out-work people in their 30s.  I can easily see her reaching 100 (her own mother lived till 93).

[Seven]

Mine is 89.  Her mother passed at 78, her aunt at 83,  sister at 87, another sis at 91.5, a brother at 91, another brother at 84, and a sister still living at 92.  And  the whole "this could be my last holiday/birthday/annual event" has already been going on for years.  April is our death month for the most part. Almost Everybody dies in April on my mother's side

Mine is "healthy" but has undiagnosed dementia (she refuses a competency test because she is afraid of the results).

And please tell me you mean you want your daughter to know the healthy extended family, and not the toxic family.  If they're toxic to you, then they're toxic to her too.

[M0009803]

The extended family only.  Like I said in my post, the majority of them seem fairly decent (from previous interactions with them). My wife likes them as well.

My direct family is essentially an enmeshed train wreck, and I don't see this changing any time soon.  I also see the toxicity repeating itself once their own kids come of age.  That's most likely not going to be pretty, but that is not any of my concern any more.

[moglow]

First thing to pop into my head is a big, old "NOPE".

That was mine too - at least not one on one. No, sir. I dont need to smell that kind of highly seasoned bullshit all by myself. I'd require witnesses. Then you can just sit and take it in, it's not like there are discussions needed.

[M0009803]

Just to update everybody...

Inheritance papers have now officially been signed, and the first installment of my inheritance transferred over to me (we ended up doing it in instalments because it was easier for my mother over 8 months).

The meeting will be in March (date to be decided) at my lawyers office in my home country, so that is something I have to prepare for.

[M0009803]

First thing to pop into my head is a big, old "NOPE".

That was mine too - at least not one on one. No, sir. I dont need to smell that kind of highly seasoned bullshit all by myself. I'd require witnesses. Then you can just sit and take it in, it's not like there are discussions needed.

Just to give a final update.

Recently received the last instalment of my inheritance.

The meeting also did not happen due to the Pandemic (they reside in a very high infection urban area), which on reflection was probably a good thing (I really did not want to see my PD mother)

Took roughly 2 years of legal work to finally get what I was entitled to, and it really does feel good (very validating experience for me).

[Hilltop]

M0009803  congratulations and well done.  I completely understand that it would never be about the money but the principle of the matter.  The fact that every other sibling got their inheritance except you.  Being the SG in the family I understand, our property is not treated as our property and unfairness doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter the time it took, you did it.  That time and effort was well worth it.

As for your relationship with your younger sister and GC brother, have you given any more thought to if you'll have a further relationship with them?  Has the process given you an idea if it will work?

[M0009803]

M0009803  congratulations and well done.  I completely understand that it would never be about the money but the principle of the matter.  The fact that every other sibling got their inheritance except you.  Being the SG in the family I understand, our property is not treated as our property and unfairness doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter the time it took, you did it.  That time and effort was well worth it.

As for your relationship with your younger sister and GC brother, have you given any more thought to if you'll have a further relationship with them?  Has the process given you an idea if it will work?

I have been reflecting on this for the last few months.

The reality is that the legal process to get my inheritance was not cheap (was worth it emotionally but the financial cost was not small.  This bothers me because this represents the opportunity cost of not growing up in a healthy family).

While this was happening, my older brother and younger sister did not lift a finger to help me (or say anything to my mother for that matter).  They just went on with their lives and left me to fend for myself.  I was immensely lucky that my wife is a lawyer amd helped me, because without her help (she advised and helped me choose a Lawyer) it is unlikely I would have been able to fight back for many years (having her guiding me made things much faster).  My mother knew this, which is also likely why she was so against me marrying my now wife.

Now that this is over after 2+ years I recently got an email from my brother on my birthday saying happy birthday, and that they (him + wife + kids) would like to meet us.

This is the first time he has communicated with me via e-mail since I put down a boundary (which resulted in approx. 1.5 years of the silent treatment) regarding his enabling tendencies (I asked him multiple times to stop being an FM but kept being ignored).

The problem with this email was that he was visiting my mother at the time, so it is very likely he is acting as a FM/Enabler (and just writing the email out of obligation) once again.

But even if that was the case (just another boundary violation), the problem remains that he spent the last two plus years on the sidelines.  He never once spoke up (because it was convenient for him not to do so).  This is much more serious in my view.

And I just can't accept that behavior.  I am not sweeping any more dysfunctional behavior under the carpet, and given he seems to be unable to leave the reality distortion field generated by my mother, I don't see any possibility (presently) of having any kind of relationship with him.  I just don't trust him given he wants a relationship more out of obligation than anything else.  I also feel much better as a person without my FOO around, and that is a feeling I have begun to trust.

[nanotech]

It's so validating when a legal professional intervenes and shines a dirty great big TRUTH  light on all the deceit and magical thinking they like to do.
ALL THE power they thought they had just shrivels and turns to ash.
Inheritances is a right and it isn't something that has to be 'earned'. It should never be used as any sort of leverage or crazy- making punishment.
I'm so glad you've had success with this.