SG “Mouse” going No Contact from “Cat” sibs

[StarSeedling]

Hi everyone!

This is going to be brief because I just lost a whole lot of text I inputted about this topic to post here and I want to get this topic started...

I'm wondering if anyone has anything they can share about going NC from siblings that !say! "go ahead! Leave! Be free!" (I am Primary Caregiver for elderly parent), but then the do everything possible (overt & covert) to disrupt / destroy my abilities to leave.
To the point that even if I remain PCG until parent either passes or goes into FT care elsewhere...I !feel! like I'd have to go into a protective custody / witness relocation program to be free of my toxic sibs...
...so, I'm just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this and (!Please!) what they !All! are...
?????

Thank you oh so much....

[StarSeedling]

PS:
Also: what does the star Page mean & why does it say "report to moderator" at the bottom of my post? (Am I remembering correctly: The Moderator reviews all posts by New Member until a certain number of posts have been posted successfully? Or did I do something wrong?)

[Yael924]

No worries, dear. The report to moderator appears at the bottom of every post.

As to your situation, it sounds just awful! Clearly you have been a loving carer to your parents. Your siblings are most likely bullying you to keep you in your CG place. Then they can continue to do a whole lot of Nothing -- as I surmise has been their contribution thus far.

As I'm not familiar with your carer system in the formal ins and outs (don't worry, other posters here are quite experienced) I will only advise you to be kind to yourself, and review the site's Toolbox for strategies to reduce contact/ stress from your selfish siblings.

What I would recommend is a support group for carers. They would totally understand your feelings and maybe they would have tools to help you get assistance for your burnout / desire to change your current CG status.

Many internet hugs from me. I wish I could do more.

[StarSeedling]

Yael924 thank you for your support and suggestions!
(Also very relieved to learn the "Moderator" note-thingy doesn't mean I did something wrong. *phew*).

I have been looking and have found some resources. And am always on the look out for more info and resources to learn more perspectives, ideas, etc. And am definitely always open to suggestions (you all here know what I mean: Healthy suggestions...vs. the kind of suggestions that are just made to manipulate or benefit one side -which is all I've been getting from my FOO sibs for the past several years)...

Anyhow: always open to learning...

Not to start the violins going for me, however it does seem my sibs are definitely not interested in anyone's best interest save their own.

When people are watching, of course they make it look good. And their Smear Campaign seems to have blinded more than just "the harems", so they it seems are able to get away with even more negative shenanigans.

It's just a very loopy (constant goal post moving) and toxic (as everyone here can relate to in one way or another) situation.

I'm really so very happy, relieved, and grateful to have found this site and to be able to "connect" to everyone here...and, as so many before me: I am so relieved to finally know/understand: (1) the 3C's, (2) my solutions start with / are within Myself, and (3) my Ground Zero has a name [Unchosen PD FOOs] and a community of Survivors and Thrivers from whom (I hope) to learn from and join.

Thank you again: !Everybody here!

[StarSeedling]

PS: Yael924:
Many internet hugs right back atcha!! (For some reason tonight I cannot add the emoticons to my messages...there's a lot of internet hugs here heading your way...they're just invisible!!!)

[Summer Sun]

StarSeedling, it is not an easy role, PCG to aging parents, what an honourable and compassionate commitment.  Sometimes, it can be a thankless job, aging parents do not always have the capacity to express gratitude, and siblings, well, they can be supportive, emotionally, physically, share the responsibility, or, depending on the FOO dynamics and if PD's are involved, there can be much negative behavior.

It seems that whenever there is a parental death, imminent death, or health crisis, it can bring out the best in healthy families, or the worst in dysfunctional ones. 

Sometimes, the PCG is resented by the other siblings.  When I examined why a sibling would resent my care, in my situation, it came down to envy, jealousy, insecurity on the sibling's part.  Also, with UPD's, IME, there always appears to be a power struggle.  They want the power, I did not want power, only to care, service. 

So what does one do when they are resentful?  IME, they criticize the care, the choices, the XYZ, as obviously they could do a much superior job if given half the chance.  This may or may not be stated directly, it may be couched in innuendoes, subtle comments.  I was actually shamed once for taking my UNPDm to a medical procedure because a cab would have sufficed just as well.  ???

It wasn't clear to me if you are wishing to stay in your PCG role, or really wish to leave and go NC.  Are you POA for your parents? 

The toolbox has some great suggestions.  MC and grey rock might be helpful in dealing with your siblings.  Or specific boundaries, you will only offer updates by email for example.  If you really wish to leave your role and go NC, are there other care options for your parents, and how do you see this affecting you and your relationship with them?  It sounds like you are in a double bind, or no win situation.  I found myself in the same place.  I ended up doing what my conscience suggested I needed to, and put others on an Information diet with only detrimental situations communicated.  In short, I chose not to let others criticisms control me out of the picture where I felt I had a duty to serve.

Also, just want to reinforce the self care aspect.  Is there a PCG support group in your area? Other support services you can access for in home where you can have times of respite for self nurturing activities?

Wishing you strength, kindness and support. 

Summer Sun

[StarSeedling]

Summer Sun-

Thank you for your response!

Yes, I realize my post was a bit confusing.

I'm (trying to) look to The Future.

Currently am PCG (and !Not POA) acknowledging nothing lasts forever and was just looking for any stories anyone is willing & able to share about going NC. Like hurdles surmounted that PDs have put up.

IDK... maybe I just need to keep reading all the posts here b/c maybe this is "a repeat" (if so: I'm sorry).

Maybe I'm just lost in my own head.

IDK....

Again: Thank you Summer Sun.

As always:
Thank you all for contributing to this site.

A-frame hugs-