I don't even know where to start...deposition looming

[Poised]

Hi, WH

The suggestion above to practice your pause in order to hear and think about the question is an excellent one.

Consider using a non-obvious physical cue to remind yourself to PAUSE. For example, you could make yourself breathe in and out before answering. Or tap your toe twice, or wear a bracelet with beads/charms and touch it before you begin to answer. (If you choose the last, try to keep your hands in your lap, below table height.)

The short, non-obvious pause is a great strategy.

But taken to an extreme ...

You may want to check out the YouTube clips of Bill Gates' deposition in the Microsoft antitrust case as an example of what NOT to do.l

[sevenyears]

White Heron - good luck with your court date and deposition. Remember, you have got a lot going for you. You are sane, a good mother and will do your best. You have got a lot on your plate, but this is much easier than what you have already been through. Stay focused on the end result. 

[Whiteheron]

Thanks everyone! I truly appreciate the support and words of wisdom from each and every one of you.

I have been through worse. I lived through it. I will get through this.

Quick update:
Court date that was supposed to be next week has been pushed back to the end of next month! stbx's L is a snowbird and not back until then. As if he didn't know he wouldn't be there when the court date was set three months ago... . Nothing like prolonging the agony!  Now I have an extra month and a half to worry. I'm trying to see it as more time to prepare and get all of my ducks in a row before I'm put on the hot seat. In all honesty, as much as I was dreading it, I was looking forward to getting it over with.

I did hear that the GAL is finding that things are in line with what I've been saying all along, so maybe more time is a good thing. DD's T also mentioned that the GAL "sees what's going on." Idk exactly what that means, but all I can do is have faith that they can see it. Part of me wants to scream because the kids aren't telling anyone what's going on. They're afraid stbx will find out, so how can the T/GAL know what's truly happening?? There's no way they can know that what they're seeing is only the tip of the PD iceberg. Another part of me is worried that when I'm being told she "sees what's going on" that it means she sees I'm smearing and alienating stbx. Because that's the version he's presented to the court. That's the PD voice inside my head. It's a small voice, but it's there nonetheless. 

What if, what if, what if? What if I've said too much to the T and to the GAL and they think I'm alienating the kids? Trying to taint the well, so to speak? Faith. I can only have faith that they see the truth. The not knowing is driving me mad! Ahhh! Ok, time to breathe and get distracted by some weekend projects. Thanks for reading. Hugs to all!

[Liftedfog]

What is the current custody/access arrangement?   I know you have been at this for years like me.  Are you trying to resolve the custody/access piece?   I've been at it since 2013.  My custody/access piece is resolved.  I have sole and expdh supervised access which he hasn't participated in since 2014.    We are current trying to resolve the child support and spousal support issues (he is asking me to pay him spousal).   If mediation doesn't work next month then I'm heading to trial.  Either way I stand to lose my shirt.     In my experience since 2013, the court system is broken.   The wheels of Justice move slowly.  One party files a paper, the other party has 30 days to respond.  Other party waits until very last day and comes up with a reason to stall further, yada, yada, yada.   This has been my journey.  It's disgusting how our courts work.   Adjournment, after adjournment.    In your case, it gives you more time to prepare.  Use this extra time for you.   I get your wanting to get it over with.  It's all a game to the lawyers.     Stay strong.  Big hug. 

[cant turn back]

Another delay?
So sorry White Heron.
Sending you positive vibes.

[Whiteheron]

lifted - custody order is temporary - judge put it in writing to get me out of the house and was based partly on the psych eval - I technically have sole custody and he has visitation - one night a week and eow. I have final say on legal - medical/school/activities, although the order specifically states that we must try to come to an agreement first.

He's demanding 50/50. I'm assuming physical and legal? He and his L aren't specific. His L states stbx wants "50/50 sole possessory custody" as if the children were objects. idk wtf that means. Neither does my L. She's never heard that phrase before (and has worked with stbx's attorney on many occasions). All we know is that's the line stbx's L uses each and every time the L's are in front of the judge. There's no rationale, no proof or reasoning offered - just the demand. If he's questioned, the demand is repeated. It's obviously coming from stbx...and his L is just the mouthpiece.

So our big issue is custody. As for assets, stbx went from declaring I should get 50%, to 40%, to 30% and now he's down to about 25%. It's like reverse negotiation. Give me more and in turn I will offer you less...so grateful a friend offered me a job so I can keep afloat until this is settled!

You're right, it's nothing but a game for them. Meanwhile it's my life and the lives of the kids (although I'm trying to keep things as smooth as possible so they're not affected by any of this). $$ was a huge worry for DS, so he's relieved that I'm back to work now. Somehow he's aware his dad isn't paying child support yet...


thanks for the positive vibes can't turn back!

[Liftedfog]

I'm so sorry that you are trying to sever from a mentally ill man. It's horrible isn't it?   Everything is harder, takes longer, costs double in legal fees because they are so combative, stubborn, and unreasonable.  None of the usual compromise, mediate, work things out apply.  There is zero support or empathy for those of us divorcing a mentally ill spouse.   Money is burnt like I can't even explain.  I'm so angry for both of us. I've been quoted $64,000 for trial.   And I could still lose.      Your expd lawyer doesn't sound stable himself if he is letting his client push him around.   Let them both be exposed and the judge see right through them.  You have nothing to fear.  God is in control and He knows your heart and that you are a loving and protective mom.   

[openskyblue]

This is why I waited until my youngest turned 18 and went to college before I left. I hoped it would reduce how much my ex could hurt me and our youngest. At least we could skip the custody battle, right?

Well, it still cost a small fortune, took 3 years, and seriously damaged my health. And the years leading up to my go time were excruciating and hurt me. It's going to years to get my health back.

My takeaway is that the legal system does very little to make things easier for the non spouse or kids from even the most deeply affected PD. There are so many of us out there!

Hang in there. You will get through this.

[hhaw]

Whiteheron:

Does your attorney suspect that opposing counsel is using the term "sole possessory custody" in order to alert the Judge to his client's unstable mental health situation?

In court, court officers SEE/UNDERSTAND certain things when they see certain things.  Maybe this term is a very clear message, and opposing counsel is sabotaging your PD, at least in small ways?

I looked up that term, and it seems like this is a good thing for you, not for the PD.

[Whiteheron]

I have no idea hhaw, but it's not the first time someone has suggested this to me.

My L does not speculate about things. What she has said, repeatedly, is that she's never seen these kinds of documents come out of his L's office before. Unfounded, speculative, accusatory, with no facts to back them up. I happened to be in her office right after the first affidavit came in. The look on her face said it all. She had no idea why stbx's L had submitted it. 80 pages of unfounded crap followed by pages and pages of personal photographs. She was astounded and confused. stbx's L is supposed to be very good, the document he put his name on was not. She said no lawyer in their right mind would submit that affidavit, and she speculated that stbx might be out of control and this was his L's way of appeasing him.

I was talking to an L friend of mine (completely unrelated field of law) and she suggested that stbx's L may be doing this to sabotage his client. She also suggested the L may be pushing for trial as a way to protect himself from stbx. (either that or make gobs of money off of a man who will pay anything to get back at me). My friend said she's seen this kind of behavior from L's who are going up against a strong plaintiff. idk. I'm just tired of all the games. I've had enough.

opensky - I waited as long as I could to file. I would have waited longer if I wasn't so concerned for DS's mental health. He was the sg at the time and it kept getting worse as he entered his teen years. He was having horrible anxiety and panic attacks.

lifted - I can only assume stbx's L is soaking him for all the $$ he can while he can. It's all just ridiculous and a waste of everyone's time and my (and the kids') peace of mind. I am doing the best I can, but it's exhausting. Not as exhausting as living with stbx...but I feel like I just need a break. It just needs to stop. I know his goal is to wear me down, so I won't stop. Ever. I will fight for what's right for my kids until the end of time if necessary.

[hhaw]

You don't have to fight till the end of time, whiteheron.

Just till the kids can protect themselves.

I hope that brings some comfort.

[openskyblue]

My L does not speculate about things. What she has said, repeatedly, is that she's never seen these kinds of documents come out of his L's office before. Unfounded, speculative, accusatory, with no facts to back them up. I happened to be in her office right after the first affidavit came in. The look on her face said it all. She had no idea why stbx's L had submitted it. 80 pages of unfounded crap followed by pages and pages of personal photographs. She was astounded and confused. stbx's L is supposed to be very good, the document he put his name on was not. She said no lawyer in their right mind would submit that affidavit, and she speculated that stbx might be out of control and this was his L's way of appeasing him.

This sounds very similar to what happened with my divorce. My lawyer was regularly aghast by the emails my ex's attorney sent over, all filled with accusations, off topic stuff, threats, etc. My lawyer had been in family law 30 years and said he'd never seen anything quite like it. It became clear that my ex's lawyer, who was a bit aggressive but smart and reasonable, had to to go along with whatever my ex insisted upon, no matter how nutty or counterproductive it was. By the end, my ex's lawyer could not wait to see the back of him.

As much as I knew all that logically, it was still scary sometimes -- and expensive. And we were just trying to sort out the money. If my kids' custody had been on the table, well, I'd have been a wreck.

Sending you strength and good energy, WH. Hang in there! I think you got this!

[Whiteheron]

I was able to speak to my L friend (too) briefly this week. I will make more time as the date draws near. In the few minutes I was able to talk to her, she told me a lot of what you all have said in this thread - so I thank you once again! She also told me that a deposition wasn't the time to "tell my story." So give no details, explain nothing, give nothing. Simple straightforward answers to inane questions for their fishing expedition. stbx will be so disappointed.