questioning my very being after shocking disregard

[shack.3]

 Hi everyone ,
Its been a very long time since i have used a support forum .
But i feel i need something ..some kind of connection, ..explaining my situation is so incredibly hard to do ,even to friends..i feel completely spun out ,bewildered,shocked,after being disgarded by a person i gave up so much to be with .
It was the first time i have ever really let my guard right down with a person .
Because i was given the impression it was safe to do so and i chose to believe in that .Having had many many issues with abusive toxic relationships in my life time ,this was the one i truly believed was finally the healthy one i strived for.Shockingly for me it Turns out it has been the most insideously toxic of them all.
I am literally reeling in a way that ive never experienced before after a realtionship ending.
My world has been turned upside down and my view of myself and others feels damaged for ever.
I feel like i have had the life and light literally sucked out of my very being .
The the constant questioning of myself ,the self loathing and self blame is exhausting .
My mind is so addled i am struggling think straight or even put things into words,although this is up and down.There are some better days ,so i thought i would just introduce myself here ,and hang out a bit and try and take in some info and other peoples experiences and hopefully share some support .
Hugs to everyone else who is feeling slightly insane and depressed .
X

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place. Check out the TOOLBOX for a start.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the forum shack.3,

i'm sorry that you had to endure that, but the first step to getting through the fog is talking about what happened.   when you are ready, please share more about this PD/ uPD relationship you were in so we can point you to the best resource/ discussion groups on the board.  a good place to start is the toolbox

Toolbox     

the top traits is a good place to research about the different ways PD/ uPDs commonly act

Top 100 Traits     

hope to see you on the boards soon- until then take care of you and be gentle.  it's hard enough when a regular relationship ends-

[shack.3]

Welcome! You have found a good place. Check out the TOOLBOX for a start.

Thankyou !

[shack.3]

Thankyou redshoes.
I am still trying to work out how to navigate the forum /posting etc .
I think the problem is im not sure how i would catagorize this man ?being not the hugest fan of labels ..(i have labels myself)
Being a massive prescription drug abuser confuses the issue too ,(what is his true character,vs what is a symptom of the substance)
His behaviour was most certainly controlling ,manipulative highly highly confusing..words no not match actions in any way .Full of word of love and support then silent treatment ..very subtle put downs ...all just extremely subtle .There were no beatings ,no blazing rows .he behaved like the night in shining armour!and not just towards me .. (this is how i got sucked in )..
When we met it was through very unusual curcumstances .I was in a massively vulnerable state at the time. He was involved cirumstancially and aware of what i was going through and why .
He pursued me (bombarded)and pushed for things to progress into something more than we were.i was developing confusing feelings and felt like it would be a mistake to progress things but i trusted him fully .Loved him in a way that i had loved anyone.
I even moved counties to be near him which was a very stressfull process.
The rot started to show while i was arranging the move and was too late to change my decision.
The daily declarations of love slowed down ,the underhanded comments started and a whole other multitude of issues and huge red flags  i had chosen to ignore because of his "problems"began screaming loudly .As soon as i got to the place i have moved to ,something happened in his life that i feel made the mask really drop and suddenly i was squeezed out of the equation .
Its a long complex situation that i think will take me time to process and be able to put into words properly .
I think he is what would be described as covert (narcissist)
I would be described as an "empath" .although like i said im not particularly keen on those terms .
I have never let myself depend on anyone to the degree that i did .i am a very ,very independant person.I take responsability for my own actions .probably too much .I allowed myself to bare my absaloute heart and soul to this person in a way i have never done because i felt "safe" because i never believed in a million years that person would ever harm me because of what he knew about me and my circumstances.and because of his awareness of how i have been  treated by various people in the past (he often said how disgusting my bad treatment and childhood abuse was and the people who had perpetrated it ) ..i was always authenticaly who" i am "and i guess i stupidly believed he was too .
But he clearly wasnt...all the little signals i was aware of that i ignored were always there .The looks ,the lack of emotion ,the bombarding etc etc .The things i overlooked and even enjoyed at times .(the flattery)
I feel almost like he was the spider and i was the fly ,he let me flay around in his web while he  isolated me from other potential family relationships , and then waited to pounce and suck my blood dry.
I was the one that walked away and wrote a genuinely loving email explaining to him that i didnt want the toxity of the realtionship anymore for me or for him.That we both needed kindness and love during these diffiult times not more hurt and stress.It broke my heart to do so, literally to walk away from someone i thought i would be with forever. He didnt respond in return and i didnt hear from him for a while.
He then a few months later tried getting in touch using someone else to make contact .
Eventually we spoke and i think he realised i was no longer playing ball .
And that i wasnt intending on getting back together at that point.
He then turned icey cold and and told me i didnt have feelings for me anymore etc etc .This was a huge turn around from the week before when he had been going out if his way to make contact .ringing and messaging declaring how much he missed everything. etc .
Im ashamed to admit that it cut like a knife to hear him say that.
because although i knew i didnt want to be with him we had always said we would remain in each others lives.
It was the coldness that it was executed with that got me .Shocked even ...though i dont know why !
There are alot of other circumstances that i cant talk about fully here .
So it makes it difficult to give the full picture.
I do want to say tho ,i am both a victim and not a victim.I chose this at the end of the day .
I made  stupid decisions to continue and get into a relationship with this person.
I wasnt thinking clearly.
I got wrapped up and carried away .
I didnt protect myself and i should have known better.
I am massively angry at myself for allowing myself to be in the situation in the first place.
Now i have to pick up the very painful and complicated pieces of those decisions and deal with the profound loss of it all not to mention feel too uncomfortable to make friends or go out in my new town incase of the small possability i might bump into anyone relating to him and be judged for leaving him .
i have found out from a third party that the person is posting victim memes (i no longer have any social media at all).i am now waiting for a possible smear campaign too..who knows ...
while i have been sitting here day after day feeling shell shocked , guilty and ashamed ..analysing any little word i may have said wrongly ,or any hurt i may have ever caused that person ,all the sleepless nights and constant questioning of my own self ,my very existance  behaviour and sanity ..he is now the victim in it all who will never be able to look inside himself or get in touch with his own soul ...but will carry on making himself out to be the one with a heart of gold and doing his nice man "act" when infact it was me that truly acted out of love...not just for him but everyone else involved too.
I cannot and will not put my trust into anyone to that degree again after this.
I am completely shattered.

Thankyou for reading !x

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi shack.3

I feel for you. I really do. I've been listening to a podcast with interviews with people who have gone through abusive situations. The reason I mention this is because in several of the episodes, the podcasters talk about being targeted by narcissists.

As I thought about this, I felt some of the self-blame lift away from me. As you said in your first post, explaining your situation is incredibly hard. I wonder if this is because we know, from experience, that most people will rush to explain to you what you 'did wrong'. Which is most unhelpful to you, as you work to help yourself through this.

From what I have seen, most everyone here on this forum, has thought about self-blame and knows how important it is to go through this process of recovering from an abusive relationship by working through the feelings of anger and betrayal, and I am glad you are here, of course not the circumstances that led you here but because other people who have been through a relationship with a narcissistic person, can relate and support you right now.

[shack.3]

Thankyou so much for your kindness treesgrowslowly ..it means a lot .especially at the moment .
The thing is im still questioning ...was it me ?my fault ?was he really a nice person because he can certainly appear to be ,and was i just making it all up in my own head ?
Alot of our relationship had to be conducted over the phone /computer as there was distance ...he was completely different ,and i mean almost a diffdrent person whenever we spent time together ..
He was shy and dissasociated in person..moody almost ..vacant .. wheras he would be very humerous and seemingly confident on the phone ..physical contact felt very uncomfortable and stilted for him .i always felt like i was treading on eggshells but i didnt know why ?this apparantly lovely guy hadnt "done " anything yet there was the heavy vibe and the underhanded comments which he dressed up as humour ..or repeatedly saying "i dont mean to " or i dont know im doing it " if i tackled him ...oh god just so many things that left my head feeling twisted ..denial .denial denial. calling me "really" jelous because i would rather not see him calling other women sexy all over the internet ..how i should be fine with that cos "he"would be if it was me doing it ,yet phoning and texing all the time if he knew i was out with mates or whatever .....Just games really .i just put it all down to his issues which i fully accepted and loved even  ..we all have them ..!
I am always questioning myself and my actions anyway ..pretty miserable really ..i  feel beyond stupid ..trying to heal someone when i am not healed ..like i said i should have known better ..i DID know better ..i just ignored it x

[Starboard Song]

Shack,

You've faced a terrible situation: a potentially abusive partner, scorned and topsy-turvy love, and someone who didn't respect your own vulnerabilities. That is actually hard to process and to heal from. So please be kind to yourself. It is OK to feel shattered.

One great reason to ask questions is to make decisions. The decisions you face start now, and are in the future. They are not in the past. They will be small decisions with big impacts. They need to be decisions that help you heal and grow.

It is very natural to ask how this all happened. I finally addressed the crisis in my family by trying to avoid the big, long story: all the times we enabled bad behavior, coddled abusive people, and -- maybe -- set ourselves up for the big crisis that has shattered our family. I've tried to focus on lessons I've learned and what I should do next. Not as easy as falling off a log, but much more manageable.

In a few conversations with a trusted friend or counselor, I suspect you can get some clarity about quite a few facts of this type: these things happened, and aren't what I want in a relationship. Those may be easier to establish than whose fault it was, or whether he is really bad, or only bad in context.

And you can also write down some things you know: you've told us you have your own healing, so this isn't a good time for a fixer-upper. You've said you knew and spotted some early signs. Without criticizing yourself for being flawed, because we all are, I'd suggest you write a few very true statements down about these things you believe about what you need and don't need.

Then, maybe, you can make one little decision at a time about your future, trying to learn lessons from this terrible incident. I wish you so much strength, and hope you choose to exclude from your life those who weaken it, and cling to those who make you better.

Good strength!

[shack.3]

Thank you for that starboard :-) I agree and hear you.
This is a long pattern for me .
And I take full responsibility for it .
I am not perfect .
It was a pattern I believed I was overcoming  by choosing a person who turned out to be the hardest bad decision of all to to deal with !I was already on a journey of changing the patterns before he came into my life .
However !as time goes by I am actually starting to see that in fact that relationship has also been the biggest lesson ..All be it the most painful one.
I have learned so much from it.
My eyes are open in a way they never have been before despite a life time of dysfunctional abusive relationships.
He has shown me exactly what my responsibility in these situations are.
I am seeing my part in things much more clearly .I am now more acutely aware than ever before of exactly what I do not want and how to start listening to and trusting my gut.
Not only that, but now is the time for me.
Time for me to start healing myself  BY myself instead of trying to heal myself vicariously.
All these patterns have been instilled through a life time of abuse from parents ,from men ,even "friends".
A self perpetuating cycle.You feel worthless so you project worthlessness.
I am paradoxically a very strong independent fiesty woman,(i have had to be)yet there is that vulnerability in me. The people pleaser ,the healer.
And I know that actually makes me prey for certain types.
It is a form of self abuse to continually these situations and people into my life.
I realise that not everyone sees things the same way ,or has the same beliefs .
Ie ; that we "should"try to be kind to one another.
Some people just aren't kind and aren't capable of true kindness.
Some people thrive on conflict and control.
I don't want that in my life anymore as it doesn't serve me in any way.
So yes ...time for some changes a few little tweaks here and there!
Every day the pain feels slightly less.
I am starting to remember  who I am again and the good things I have in my life.
Fuck the rest to be honest .
I will no longer try to fit myself into someone else's box so that they will accept me and love me .
I will nurture the beautiful relationships I "already" have with people who love me exactly as I am :-)
Thank you for your sweet and hopeful message .
And wishing you hope and luck on your journey too ! I get the feeling you will be ok :-) X

[Summer Sun]

Shack3, your pain flows through your words, and I'm sorry for all you've endured with this man and the place you find yourself now.  It is a sad, difficult, lonely place when we question our very being, when we doubt ourselves. 

You did not ask to be abused.  You trusted another human being.  Trusted their words.  I have been exactly where you find yourself and know the depth of the pain you are feeling.  I too was targeted.  As a deeply wounded yet warm, HSP, I was a perfect match for my uNPDx.  He seduced me with words of love, flattery, kindness and I lapped it up like a kitten at a bowl of warm milk.  Love.  At last!  Yes, a long distance relationship.  Pressuring me to move.  There were some signs.  I chose to overlook them, kept my eye on the prize, who he "presented", just like you have described your X.  I gave in.  I moved. 

Day one, the mask dropped.  There I was, in a strange county, a new state, no friends, family, job.  Vulnerable. Caught in his web.  Things went from bad to worse.  The abuses, the violence, the neglect.  I feared for my life.  I was broken down to dust.  I stumbled upon a book that helped me, Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.  Eventually, I picked up the pieces, my shattered pride, the fading ember of my being and left, finally, for good. 

What I've learned, I can share with you if it is helpful in some way.  I did not ask to be abused.  I accepted an invitation to love.  My trauma based upbringing conditioned me,  I was susceptible and did not know what normal was.  I was accustomed to trauma, violence, abuse and neglect.  I was accustomed to word salad communication.  I was accustomed to gaslighting.  My learned survivor traits were people pleasing.  So if I contributed to my situation it was because I was a deeply wounded and scarred victim.

What I needed to do, for me, was learn my part, why I was drawn into the web in the first place as Knew I could not survive another like relationship.  I discovered I projected my own good qualities onto him (and others), I saw what I wanted to see instead of what was.  I was too forgiving, accommodating, a giver, pleaser, fixer, rescuer, in short, wore rose coloured glasses and a superwomen cape. 

If I could sum up what I have learned from that experience and subsequent experiences with uPDs, which my therapist taught me was, in a word, congruency.  I now look for congruency in ones words and actions,  do they align?  Words of love are easy for some.  Do the actions match?  Love does not demean, belittle, beat, bully, use, abuse.  Disagreements happen.  These need to be resolved respectfully.  If I do not feel respected, now, in ANY relationship, I do not invest emotionally.  I protect my heart, it is the well spring of life.

I send kind thoughts and much encouragement your way.  Please find some support if possible.  A therapist, a support group, a class of interest.  Please nurture yourself in ways you can at this tender time.  A bubble bath, a walk in the woods, a massage, a hot cup,of tea, a movie out... whatever feels soothing to you.

Hugs,

Summer Sun

[shack.3]

Ahh lovely message ...thank you!I really couldn't have said it any better.
It made me come up in goose bumps reading to be honest.
What happened to you was horrific,disgusting and more power to you that you "escaped".
It is unbelievable that we could find ourselves in a situation like that.
But it is more easily done than people realise.
That kind of abuse is insidious ,it creeps up behind you when you are least aware.
When we are still wearing our "rose tinted"glasses.
I didn't endure anything to that degree this time ,But it was sneaky, subtle ,hard to put your finger on.Im still not really sure what happened!still questioning the whole mind fuckery of it all!
But it's getting less ...
I love your description of the kitten and the milk !
What a great way to put it.
It doesn't matter how intelligent we are or even how self aware .
We still can fall hard when it comes to the allure of being rescued and having that massive void filled with the promise of the love we have never had.
Thank you so much for your good advice .
I am on it already !;-)
And wish all the the same for your
Continued self protection and healing X

[stardawn192]

Hello and welcome.

Even though I am also new, I want you to know that you're not alone in your struggle for wondering "why me? I know I'm smarter than this!" I said this to myself for weeks after breaking off contact with my xBPD. Then, while doing research and reading some PD books, I came across this:

"Individuals with high levels of empathy tend to be targeted because the narcissist is able to appeal to their sympathy and goodhearted nature to continue engaging in the toxic relationship cycle."

"Narcissists do not choose us because we are like them; they choose us because we are the light to their darkness; regardless of any of our vulnerabilities, we exhibit the gorgeous traits of empathy, compassion, emotional intelligence, and authentic confidence that their fragile egotism and false mask never could achieve."

You, and anyone else that feels "dumb" for "falling for" their trap, need to know that they are experts in seeking us out. They NEED us to survive, and as long as we keep supplying them, they'll slowly kill us. So they have learned how to manipulate and brain wash us into staying around, giving them attention. For your own good, forgive yourself and learn to love yourself. Use this as a learning lesson for the next narc/borderline/PD that comes in your life. And if you've really learned to love yourself, you'll know very early on to walk away and say "NO WAY."

Because, honestly, no one can love and take care of you better than you.

[shack.3]

Thankyou stardawn and welcome to you too!
I think the thing i struggle with in all of this is that i am accutely aware of my own flaws and failings.And this makes me feel that i should accommodate other peoples flaws too.?
Yes,i do have those traits of high empathy and light ,but that doesn't make me more virtuous or better ?if that makes any sense.?
I am also angry at the world ,bordering on bitterness  and massively disappointed and dissalusioned in humanity most of the time!
I can be pretty honest and open about that sometimes and Its not always georgous !
I guess i don't feel i have a right to judge someone else's negative personality traits ?
And so i just let things go and slide ,and keep forgiving and going back until i get to the point where im edging closer and closer to being on the floor and have no choice but to leave .
Because no matter how much i can put up with i guess i must have a tiny bit of self esteem in there somewhere ..
Then of course they are shocked to find i do actually have a limit ..and of course im then the bad one (or at least i feel that way) for daring to finally put a boundary in place.The guilt and responsibility i feel for that  is overwhelming .
I feel it should my responsibility to lay my bounderies down as soon as the red flags pop up but i feel this huge amount of guilt for even daring to have them .
I recognise that must also be confusing for the other person who believed i was going to be a doormat forever and ever.
I think im probably going off on a bit of a tangent here !im struggling to put what im saying in any kind of sensical order at the moment so apologies for the rambling and typos !
I have the classic fibro issue that a lot of people who have been abused as children deal with ,along with cptsd which i can imagine is also pretty common here .
My life is incredibly stressful generally so chucking all those wonderful things together makes it hard to think straight and convey things very well sometimes.
Im sure many,many people here can relate to that too.
Stardawn thankyou :-) i feel i am on a different path than any path I've taken before even though i am feeling a bit bewildered and drained.
There seems to be a strange kind of hopefullness  underneath all that ,that i haven't felt for a long time ?
I think its partly coming from this "knowing" that i am truly done with this life time of crap that i never deserved ,but that i essentially kept on creating for myself, because that is the bullshit i was programmed with by some really, really unpleasant human beings who should have had a good hard look at themselves in the mirror instead of projecting onto me .
So yes i will be putting the steps in place to re-begin that journey of self forgiveness :-) .
And there will be no more people like them in my life to say "no way" to.
Thankyou so much for your empowerment and encouragement .And i wish for you the same .X

[stardawn192]

I think the thing i struggle with in all of this is that i am accutely aware of my own flaws and failings.And this makes me feel that i should accommodate other peoples flaws too.?
Yes,i do have those traits of high empathy and light ,but that doesn't make me more virtuous or better ?if that makes any sense.?
I am also angry at the world ,bordering on bitterness  and massively disappointed and dissalusioned in humanity most of the time!

We all have issues and flaws. However, if someones "flaws" are harming another emotionally or physically because they don't want to look inward and work on themselves, than those aren't flaws. That's being a hurtful human being with ill intentions. Granted, for some PD, they want to change. They don't want to push people away, but their disorder makes them feel like it is the only hope. If those people are genuinely wanting help and seeking it, great. That is a flaw I can overlook for the time being and be supportive if they're showing a real change in their behavior.
As for you being upset with yourself and the world, practice mindfulness. Go out and do things that make you feel alive again. Take hikes, get out in nature, try a new hobby, start working out, etc. Do something simply for yourself for a while. Work on becoming the best you that you can be so that is what you project out onto the world. For a great relationship, two whole people need to come together, not two halves.

[shack.3]

Thankyou stardawn .
Yep i know these things well ,i tend to just go into self blame mode on a heavy level !
I am always being told im too hard on myself but again that is a deep ingrained programming from birth.
I totally agree with you stardawn .
I don't get why i seem to choose people who are incapable of doing these things(looking inwards)
I am starting to get to the point tho where i don't care whether they can or not anymore ,im only interested in my own change, growth and rediscovering myself now .
I will always love that person .but i definitley don't like them anymore .
As agonising  as the last few weeks have been, im just glad its done now .
The whole thing has left me feeling really quite ill ,so its a relief not to be wondering &  fantasizing and idealising  anymore ,i just need to keep focusing on getting myself feeling better .
I do walk everyday as i love to spend time around nature .im not too bad at nurturing myself physically .Its the psychological stuff that needs attending to the most now.
I have been on a waiting list for a psychologist for trauma therapy for several months now ,which is frustrating as i feel pretty desperate for it ,but hey ho !
Its actually been a huge help just writing a few long ranty posts on here and the feedback has been very kind but also reassuring .
Everyone's been so kind .
I guess we all understand each others struggles don't we .x