not sure where to go from here

[happyagain]

Hi, so I'm new to the forum and not really sure what to say.

I've recently become aware that my fiance most likely has NPD and that the things I have been dismissing for years as "normal relationship struggles" are actually emotionally abusive.

This isn't my first time in a situation like this. I had a boyfriend who was very jealous, controlling, and physically abusive for years. I spent so much time trying to heal from that and I really thought that I had found my soulmate when I met my fiance.

It's devastating to realize that all of the warning signs I ignored because I thought I was just traumatized from my past were actually very real. It's devastating to realize that I probably (definitely?) won't get the happy ending that I was so hoping for.

We are still together, and I'm not really sure where to go from here. My username is wishful thinking more than anything, because I feel so much loss already. Even still being in the relationship. Just because I'm beginning to realize that it never was what I thought it was.

I don't know what to do, or how I'm supposed to feel. Part of me still thinks I'm just overreacting, but a much larger part of me knows that everything I've been reading about is just way, way too spot on. So, anyway, I guess I'm just taking it one day at a time for now. Trying to figure out the best path for me.

[openskyblue]

Welcome to Out of the FOG, happyagain!

The things you gave voice to in your post could have been written verbatim by many of us here. Some of us came here because we found ourselves in a relationship with a PD for the first time in their lives. Others came after a string of relationships with PDs -- parents, boyfriends, girlfriends, bosses. Regardless, we have  pretty much all had  that "light bulb moment" when everything that we may have thought of as normal now looks very frightening and dangerous.  How did I get here?! I think it's pretty much par for the course to look back and see red flags that were invisible to us before -- and to then question our own reason. But, I would urge you to trust yourself, take a deep breath, and keep reading.

And a good place to start that reading and learning is in the Toolbox here. I'm not sure if you've visited that part of the site, but it's filled with information that you can take your time digesting and revisiting. For me the "what to do" and "what not to do" were enormously helpful as I was just starting my Out of the FOG journey. It's easy to feel lost and second guess yourself. We all have!  But learning more about PDs, what they are and are not, and generally being armed with information is a great first step in figuring out what you want to do next and what you chose or don't chose to live with.

I hope you will write back and share more of your story with us. You are not alone.

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to Out of the FOG.

I think the aspirational username is great. You want to be happy again, and can be.

We look back now on all the times we enabled my in-laws. We tolerated bullying from my FIL, we coddled my MIL's wild moods and erratic anger. I wonder still whether we could have avoided NC if we'd trained them both to better angels earlier on. So many of us here blame ourselves at times for "falling for it." So you are definitely not alone.

Take this one step at a time. You have options and choices to make, and they really are there for the making. Since you are speaking of a fiance, I do hope you'll protect your options while you decide how to proceed.

This is hard. It is actually hard. So it is ok to feel a bit overwhelmed. Check out our Toolbox for information that may help you define what you are dealing with, and tips one what to do and what not to do. And I am sure our Chosen Relationships board has folks sharing and asking questions that may be helpful to you.

As you feel ready, you may even choose to share more of your own story.

Good luck to you. Be strong for yourself.

[shack.3]

Hi starboard song .
Just wanted to say im new here also and i relate to everything you have said.
Its a big painful shock when that lightbulb finally switches fully on.That one thats been on a dimmer switch setting for so long.
It hurts so much ,so massively for so many different reasons and in different ways.
Im sure you will be able to figure out what you feel you need to do when the time feels right for you .
I guess Its a process .
Sending you hugs x