I feel like I'm being stalked

[beringela]

To get away from my PD ex I left not just a city, not just a country, not just a continent but a whole hemisphere. And now he's announced he's visiting my new city, and I just feel so violated.

I have been keeping my location a secret for months, and after some silence from him I decided to make it public on Facebook (we are not friends and I have blocked at least two accounts of his). Two days later, and he wrote to announce that he's booked flights to my new city and that if by coincidence I am there I should stay in the house between the dates he is here. Followed by a stream of consciousness in which he suddenly pieces together fragments of information to miraculously realise that this is where I live now (of course after he's booked flights). The context is that we have a shared hobby/community and that if we are both in any given city it is inevitable that we will cross paths.

I know that I just have to stay away from my hobby for the week that he is here. But I feel SO violated. This new city was a complete fresh start after the trauma of our relationship. I have worked so hard to start anew and heal from everything, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach that he will be here, and also hanging out in my community, interacting with people I know. I also hate the fact that he is still finding ways to control me - apparently I cannot use my social media accounts how I want, and now I have to give up my hobby for a week because of him. I know it's not that long, it's just the principle. I'm also pretty afraid that he's literally flying across the world to show up here, and what he might do when he's here. I am very fearful that he will trash my reputation, and since I'm new here and don't have very close friends yet, it might work.

I know I have no option but to do what he says and stay in while he's around, I just feel so weakened by this, so violated, and so afraid. And no-one seems to understand because "it's only a week". Does this ever end?

[coyote]

Beringela,
I am sorry you are in this situation. The thing about social media is even if you block him he can get his flying monkeys to follow you and see what's up. So is there an option of just tossing care to the wind and doing what you want despite where he is or sees on social media. I am sure there is something here I don't understand but why do you have to stay inside like he says. One week does not seem like much but it is more than the time. It is him still exerting control over your life. I get that.

And I may be way off course here. He may be physically abusive and you are scared of him. In that case believe it or not you have some alternatives.

As far as him trying to ruin you reputation this is a common tactic with PD ex's. I would say to give folks a chance. When they really get to know you they will realize the EX is full of it. As for me I seldom give much credit to what an ex says about their ex. I think most people come to this conclusion sooner rather than later.

I really am not trying to criticize. Like I said I don't know your situation, never walked in your shoes. Just trying to give some support for you to take your life back.

[beringela]

Yes, I did decide that I would stop worrying so much about social media, largely because I felt that if I couldn't use it how I like, he was basically still controlling me. I regret this now and I'm considering disabling my accounts.

He's telling me to stay inside because he's claiming he had no idea I'm here and he is desperate not to see me. This all revolves around this shared hobby, which is quite niche so I don't want to reveal it here as he could feasibly be identified, but basically it's a social thing that means that if we're both in a city engaging in our hobby as normal, we will definitely cross paths. So he's telling me that while he's here, I can't do this thing so that he can. It makes me so mad - this is my city, not his. He's showing up here and then making demands about how I spend my time.

Of course I won't go, and this is my only choice because I cannot see him. He has been violent on one or two occasions, and him flying halfway across the world to see me scares me because it's very unstable, irrational behaviour.

And I didn't think you sounded at all like you're criticizing

[KFel024]

Dear beringela,

It sounds like you are being stalked.  Should probably do your best to avoid your hobby during the time period where you believe your former partner will be in town.  Also, seems in your favor to disable and go cold turkey on social media for the short-term if possible.  Recommend this to protect yourself only.  If you do choose to go out and be free while you think they are there, please do your best to ensure that you have people nearby at all times that you can count on for protection/support.   

Your situation sounds pretty dangerous to me.  Traveling half-way across the globe to do something reeks of intent assuming it is not an event/function they have attended prior.   

 

[beringela]

No, there is no real reason for him to be here. He has to return to his home country for an administrative issue (according to him) but stopping off in my new city doesn't make any practical sense, I don't believe he has any particularly close friends here, or anything else that explains it apart from my being here. It's a big city though and one that attracts lots of tourists, so from the outside it looks more or less like an innocent choice. I am so angry that he is doing this to me, and that he is still exerting some control over my life by showing up like this. And yes, I agree, it seems dangerous 

[firststeps to freedom]

Any chance you could respond with a message telling him that he doesn't need to worry about bumping into you as you are on holiday abroad that month?   

Could taking control back from him ease your feeling of violation?  I tend to take my mother at her word, it seems to cause her some issues, but keeps me safer. x