Anxiety, guilt and shame

[lotusblume]

After I successfully managed my emotions and felt at peace with not contacting my father for his birthday for the first time (first year of NC), I received a guilt tripping hoover from my grandmother on his birthday, reminding me to "remember to call someone today". I had already given clear boundaries to my grandmother (who had betrayed me by becoming one of the worst flying monkeys after initially being my confidante).

I ignored her email, and though I was able to intellectually and even emotionally identify what she was doing, the fog nonetheless started to creep in over the following week and I began to question myself.

I began to feel my anxiety creep back in, physical and emotional. I began to feel guilty again. I began to fear having to cut out my grandmother as well, and began to think obsessively about how I should react, if I was really taking things too far, if my parents were "really that bad" and if I was justified in my NC boundary.

Basically, I began to feed into their rhetoric internally and was scapegoating myself.

Today is the first day I don't feel anxious and am back Out of the FOG. I started to think about where my guilt was coming from, and realised it really was guilt projected by my FOO and internal shame. This was really key for me.

I began to remember that my job was to act as a peacemaker, shoulder the blame, excuse everyone else's mistreatment of me, apologize for thinking I was hurting the people who hurt me (and whom have never acknowledged or apologized, after having written two very long and rational emails expressing how I had been hurt by them, what needed to change in our relationship, and telling them I love them and hoped we could build a better relationship in the future. This email was never acknowledged. They immediately began to hoover me and guilt trip me, smearing me to everyone that I was no longer speaking with them, when in reality I was hoping for a resolution and realised I was not going to get any recognition by them of how their behaviour was toxic.)

They have projecting their guilt onto me and I have been eating it up, as I've been conditioned to my whole life, and in reality was experiencing shame; about who I was, about not being "nice" or "forgiving". Introjects from my parents, that I am too sensitive, being dramatic, stubborn, when I should be pretending nothing ever happened. Sweeping things under the rug has been a lifelong pattern in my enmeshed FOO.

I want to thank you all for sharing your stories and support. So many of the behaviours and feelings felt are parallel, and it gives me extra strength, courage, and willpower to hear what others are similarly experiencing.

I will try to remember when I am feeling the fog that my FOO can take responsibility for their actions, accountability for their hurtful behaviour, acknowledge being hurtful/disrespectful and inappropriate. They can sincerely apologise and truly try their best to make amends and change their unacceptable behaviour. All of this is their responsibility, and not mine. While they act as if my NC is hurtful for them while burying their heads in the sand and expecting me to bend to their will, nothing will change.

Sadly, I don't expect that to happen. Giving up hope is when you finally begin to let go I think, and day by day that's what I'm doing so I can be healthy and take care of myself, nurture my primary relationship and other healthy ones, and enjoy my life.

One day at a time.

[Indivisible]

 Hi Lotusblume – thank you for writing about this. It's so helpful to hear about others' journeys. I'm new to this site, and fairly new to my healing process from my lifelong narcissistic abuse. It's like I think I'm doing  pretty good, and then something will happen that  that puts me in a slide back into my self-doubt and self loathing. I need to keep remembering that this is a process, and it will take time. And every time I check into a site like this or into a YouTube video,  I learn a little bit more.  I really commend you for having the courage to talk to your NPD family members and  stand up for yourself. I have yet to do this. With your grandma, might I suggest perhaps a bit of a gray rock sort of a response. It sounds like you have made your position clear to her regarding your NPDF.   And if you feel that she is a flying monkey then her priority is to the narc.  But it sounds like you don't want to go NC with her just yet.  Maybe if she mentions your father, you can give her a vague answer something like, "oh, how about that," or "is it that day again already?", and then change the subject. Perhaps after a bit she will get the hint that you don't want to discuss this person or have this person in your life. Anyway, I don't mean to make any unhelpful suggestions. I just wanted to let you know that you are supported.  Take care.

[RavenLady]

Hi Lotusbloom. Welcome to Out of the FOG. I can relate to what you are describing too. I've written to my parents from the heart about the pain I experience in our family and, like yours, my uPD parents had nothing to say. Silence. Carrying on as if nothing has happened.

When I pressed them for a response (surely I had miscommunicated and if I tried harder they would hear me and take my concerns seriously, right?), they would sputter and puff and deflect and none of it had anything to do with the substance of what I had written. Only after learning about invalidation as a form of emotional abuse could I start to understand why this hurt me so deeply. It helped to read books like "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" (Gibson) and then later about how PDs play out in families to appreciate why it was so painful. It also helped to have a good therapist who expressed outrage on my behalf when I couldn't access my own anger. Turns out angering is key to our healing.

I'm sorry we have this in common. You write so eloquently about the experience and it's clear you know what you are doing. You deserve your own trust. I'm also still frequently devastated by the emotions that come up after only a few months of VVLC/NC. Recognizing the role of C-PTSD in my life is helping me keep moving forward, as you put it, one day at a time. 

[Malini]

Hi Lotusblume,

I see you're new here, welcome to Out of the FOG.

The first year of NC was really difficult for me. First birthday, mother's/fathers day, Easter, Xmas, etc. A bunch of firsts which didn't make me feel as good as they should have since I was working on myself and setting healthy boundaries, etc and thought I'd feel good about them 

I think it was linked to the fact that although I still hoped we could work something out, not celebrating those events with them were like a nail in the coffin of our relationship and, having spent years just thinking about and tending to their needs, I was also terrified I'd be punished by the universe for having dared to take a stand.

I think you are absolutely right in everything you write and you have really good insight into why you are where you are. As you say, one step at a time. I experienced coming Out of the FOG as quite non-linear, there was a lot of 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, cycling through the different stages of grief and then starting all over again and the first 2 years were the hardest.

I'm glad you found us and hope you continue to post here as you continue your path Out of the FOG. You're doing really well and these  setbacks are normal. It takes time to process the emotions of fear and anxiety which have been our companions for so long as we catered to the needs, dealt with the whims, submitted to the abusive and toxic behaviours of our PD family members.

What I found helpful was journaling when I was pulled back into the FOG. It was a good outlet for my emotions and helped me see my path more clearly.

Take care

[Psuedonym]

Hi lotusblume,

Some posts are just so similar to your own experience; this one is especially true for me. I have been NC with uBPD probably N mother since December after her behavior got so bad it was affecting my mental and physical health. My anxiety got so bad immediately after that that I had a panic attack at work. That was when I think I realized how toxic she really is. I had an awful couple of weeks in which I really felt like I was losing my mind but as I've come Out of the FOG I'm feeling much better.

Her birthday is also this week and I'm sure that will be stressful. Like you, I wrote a long letter. My BF gave it to her with the message that she needed to take it to heart and change her behavior. Her response has been to a) ignore it, b) claim that half of it is lies, and c) say that the things listed in the letter are actually things I did to her.  She has tried to convince my BF that I am crazy, unstable, and a liar (great strategy, btw). Every time I've stood up to her behavior in the past, I've also been accused of being childish, immature, overly sensitive, and ridiculous. Last time my BF suggested she apologize and change her behavior she said "I haven't done anything wrong!! I'm not going to lie!!'

You are dead right in pointing out that it's actually them choosing to be NC with us, regardless of what they claim. What we've asked for is to be treated with respect and for them to acknowledge that they haven't done that in the past. That's unthinkable to them, and here we are.

Thanks for sharing your story! It sucks that we're going through similar situations but comforting to know that others get it and often easier to see the obvious dysfunction in other people's stories.

[lotusblume]

Thank you all for your kind and supportive replies and for sharing your stories. I have also read the immature parents book. You can also check out daughter detox by pegg Streep, breaking from your parents by Daniel Mackler, and Richard Grannon's YouTube channel. It was actually his video about family scapegoating that hit home with me, and I started to put a name to all the chaos coming from my FOO. It's a long story, but we all have common stories and feelings, and I'm very glad to be a part of this community.

To indivisible, it is very hard in the beginning. I experienced constant anxiety, disbelief, denial, and kept looking for ways that all that was becoming clear to me just couldn't be true. "Family no matter what" was the most important thing in my FOO. It was when I started making my own adult decisions (at 30 years old) and my FOO behaved horrifically that I was inclined to dig deeper. I didn't want to accept how toxic my FOO is, I still wish it weren't that way, but everyday you will get stronger, and even if it feels like you aren't making progress, you are. Just putting yourself first for the first time and dealing with the FOG and anxiety in itself, and continuing forward on your healing journey despite cognitive dissonance and family mobbing shows the immense strength we all possess.

RavenLady, it seems like we are on a very similar road. Check out Richard Grannon's stuff on C PTSD. I also purchased an emotional literacy course by him which has been very helpful. Naming your emotions, figuring out the source, examining your core beliefs, and doing self therapy on specific memories, re-parenting yourself.

Psuedonym, you're right about being able to see clearly when we read other's experiences. I read something on this forum that helped me a lot for dealing with my father's birthday, it was a post about holidays and NC, and how whitewashing everything for one day to take care of their feelings above our own and pretend everything is okay was not necessary. It was empowering for me to allow the day to pass without reopening the door. I'm not sure what your decision is regarding the matter but whatever you choose, sending support.

A memory just popped up from childhood, where I had told my mother and other family members that everyone's emotions belonged to themselves and I was not responsible for making them "feel" a certain way, and that we had to deal with our own emotions. This is what we are all doing here, and we don't have the power to do it for everyone else too. It's really okay to let go.

[lotusblume]

Hi Malini,

Thank you for your reply and encouragement. I totally get what you mean about feeling like you would be punished... I felt that way too about standing up for myself in any way. I guess that's because I was punished by my FOO throughout my life for standing up for myself. It is hard to work past that feeling, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but very liberating to be assertive and follow my own path.

I agree with the cycling, and what you said about the anxiety and fear. I have only been NC for 6 months, it wasn't initially a long term plan, but I feel more free to be myself and am learning so much about myself and dissecting the past and FOO patterns. I couldn't have healed as much as I have begun to heal if I was still in contact with them.

Thank you for the journalling advice, I do this too but sometimes I get stuck and don't want to write. But I notice if I don't write for a while, toxic introjects and feelings start to come up. The other night I had a dream about a toilet flooding, all kinds of sewage and crap. I read that that can be interpreted as built up negative emotions.

Thanks again for sharing .