My npdw introduction

[Kaneda8888]

Hi there

I joined OOF a few years ago and never realised there was this part of the forum !  My situation hasnt changed from those years ago and I thought I would do an introduction here.

I have been married for almost 25 years to my wife whom I believe suffers from NPD.  This conclusion was only reached a few years ago.

AS a bit of background context, my father died in 2008 and I was in a very stressful job.  AS a culmination of many factors, I became
dependent on alcohol over the next 5 years resulting in a DUI. Fortunately, I have managed to stop drinking and have been alcohol free for more than 5 years now.  During this time, I began a spiritual  journey as well.  I feel my mind is clear and many insecurities that I held have greatly diminished.  As well, I do try and minimise any interaction I have with my npdw to the barest minimum (even making sure we are in different rooms at home).

Since 1997, I have felt that my wife diregarded my feelings.  I wasnt aware of NPD or indeed that she suffered from any type of mental
disorder.  I recall clearly how I felt even back then. I would joke to my friends and family that if we had a dog, my priorities would rank
below the dog. Since 1997, it has gotten progressively worse.

The best way to describe it is I feel invisible.  As a person I do not seem to exist from her perspective.  Any conversation where I tentatively express my feelings are ignored or hijacked by the typical phrase "so, you think you had a bad day ? Well, let me tell you about
MY day !"  Our conversations revolve around 3 types from her: command, criticism or complaint.  And she wonders why I am in a 'bad mood' whenever she talks to me or rolls my eyes.  Even one of our daughters commented that the only time my wife talks to me is when she wants me to do something.  My oldest child (in her 20s) often comment about how did we get together as a couple as we seem to have no common interests.

I strongly suspect my mother is a narcissist and I watched my father suffer horribly.  Because of her disregard for finances, he was forced
to work almost until his final days before the cancer forced him to stop.  They had huge arguments during my teen years and early 20s.  I
never understood why he didnt divorce her though my sister said it was out of compassion on my father's side.

The point is that I do not wish to be like my father.  I dont wish to die with bitterness, sadness and regret.  I can observe that my mother and wife have very similar traits.  They have little genuine interest in others, treat family members such as children and myself as objects to be utilised, refuse to read, watches videos, seem to have very limited cognitive thinking skills (everything needs to be explained in excruciating detail, even the plot in a movie), has highly selective hearing (often seem deaf), are control freaks, highly insecure, low empathy (if any) and the world essentially revolves around them.

Unfortunately I cant simply leave due to financial circumstances and I also feel it is negligent on our youngest daughter who is seventeen
and entering the final years of school.

What am I to do ?

[SonofThunder]

Hello Kaneda8888,

Welcome to the Out of the FOG forum.  Thank you also for taking the time to share your background.  First, I want to congratulate you on tackling your use of alcohol and being alcohol free for the last 5 years.  That takes incredible strength, awareness and self control.   My hats off to you sir.

I'm sorry that you are experiencing NPD treatment from your wife of 25 years, but thrilled you are discovering a potential reason for the behavioral traits you see from her.  I'm assuming she has not been clinically diagnosed with NPD, as you did not mention it.  You may desire to use the uNPD acronym if that is the case, which lets the reader know it is 'undiagnosed'.  That doesn't change how you feel about NPD or the behavior which you experience, but it surely lets the reader know the uPD person we describe, has not been formally diagnosed.  My uPDw is the same way. 

I have been married to my uPDw (NPD/BPD trait mix) for over 27 years and so I'm sure you and I have much in common in our experiences.  My father is a uNPDw and after some deep reading on the subject, I am certain I sought out, and was chosen with regard to my uPDw. 

The ways in which you describe the ways you are treated and the isolation you feel is very similar to my own.  Through the help of investigative reading, education through books and the toolbox here at Out of the FOG, as well as this forum, I have received a deep understanding of my wife's uPD and also of myself.  I believe the most surprising learning for me, was the education of self-understanding and that I have the ability, no matter what behaviors I experience from my uPDw, to alter myself, my reactions to my uPDw, my feelings toward myself and my uPDw and my own behaviors.  It has been life-changing. 

I want to encourage you that you are at the right place here at Out of the FOG and are among friends who share your experiences.  You are not alone; in fact you are the opposite of alone in this large group of great people who are walking along the path with you as we live among the PD's in our lives. 

I want to encourage you also to start by diving headfirst into the Out of the FOG toolbox tab (top of the page) and educate yourself.   I also want to highly recommend the book 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist' by Fjelstad.  You will more than likely learn much about your uPDw there and also much about yourself. 

Again, welcome to Out of the FOG and the forum, and I look forward to interacting with you here.

SoT

[Kaneda8888]

Hi SoT

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.  It is comforting to know that I am not alone.  I feel I cannot share my uNPDw issues with my family and friends given our long marriage.  My oldest daughter I beleive knows there is something not right though hasnt verbalised it.  She has also been subjected to a lot of suffering. I've tried to shield her as much as possible. 

I did look at the toolbox.  It isnt easy to practice but I agree that boundaries need to be drawn.  As well, I will look into the book.  Thank you so much for the reference.