Closest friend changed and exasterbated my cPTSD

[EntWife]

I had a really close friend for a couple of years and then she started changing. She got really "snarky" towards her sister and me, started jumping to conclusions and wouldn't listen when people tried to help her understand, started standing-up our friend group, and started giving unsolicited advice that was...weird...

Examples of her confusing statements/advice: "I have to accept that my boyfriend purposefully makes me cry - it's a part of his rebelliousness, which I love about him, so I have to learn to love him making me cry," "I know you saw classmates cheating in your graduate-level class, but it's none of your business and you have no right to tell the professor," "Drugs aren't BAD," "You're over-reacting about your husband doing cocaine monthly - I drive drunk to work monthly. We all have weaknesses. True love is accepting his, rather than wanting him to change" (her words for what I'd call 'setting a boundary').

I now see how BAD our friendship became for my cPTSD recovery because her advice was the exact OPPOSITE of that from my therapist.

But I can't stop wondering: what changed her?!

The only thing I can think is that before the changes started she decided to give up her dream career for her boyfriend - he told her he wouldn't propose if she planned to pursued it since she might have to move out of our city for school. She also complained that her boyfriend would make plans without talking to her so they'd double-book themselves and he'd then refuse to do whatever she planned for even part of the time.

Oh, she said he also kept getting vehicles repossessed and wouldn't talk to her about it.

Maybe I'm biased from my history with my uBPD sister and ASPD ex-bf, but I can't help wondering if her relationship has contributed to her changes.

Either way I miss my friend, yet I know it's best for me that I haven't heard back from her in almost a year! 😕

[clara]

I agree that the relationship changed her, Zen.  Some people feel the need to justify their bad decisions so slip into self-delusion in order to do so.  They can't admit they're wrong or made a mistake, so they go to the extreme opposite and try to endlessly prove how right and correct they were.  This can easily spill over into telling others how to live their lives as well, since they now "know everything."  Sometimes they'll destroy their own lives in the process, but still will never come to terms with how it actually happened.   

Once the relationship comes to an end (and I would bet good money it will and soon) she might switch back to being the person she was once, since the influence this bf has over her will be gone.  The problem is, she's shown that she's vulnerable to such thinking, and while she may come back around and seem better, if she doesn't examine what happened to her, she'll likely allow it to happen all over again.  Until she shows signs that she's matured and learned, she'll be a disruptive influence in your life.

[looloo]

I agree that the relationship changed her, Zen.  Some people feel the need to justify their bad decisions so slip into self-delusion in order to do so.  They can't admit they're wrong or made a mistake, so they go to the extreme opposite and try to endlessly prove how right and correct they were.  This can easily spill over into telling others how to live their lives as well, since they now "know everything."  Sometimes they'll destroy their own lives in the process, but still will never come to terms with how it actually happened.   

Yes, I call it "doubling down" (like in gambling-when you're already losing).  I see this so often, both up close in the relationships of people I know, as well as in the news, watching people explain their various positions on things.  And I've done it myself in my own relationships.  It's sad, it's kind of a learned helplessness, and you can see how our own morality can become really corrupted.

[EntWife]

I agree that the relationship changed her, Zen.  Some people feel the need to justify their bad decisions so slip into self-delusion in order to do so.  They can't admit they're wrong or made a mistake, so they go to the extreme opposite and try to endlessly prove how right and correct they were.  This can easily spill over into telling others how to live their lives as well, since they now "know everything."  Sometimes they'll destroy their own lives in the process, but still will never come to terms with how it actually happened.   

Yes, I call it "doubling down" (like in gambling-when you're already losing).  I see this so often, both up close in the relationships of people I know, as well as in the news, watching people explain their various positions on things.  And I've done it myself in my own relationships.  It's sad, it's kind of a learned helplessness, and you can see how our own morality can become really corrupted.

I can't thank you enough, Clara & Looloo! That makes total sense! I'm so grateful I can stop trying to figure her out!!! 💜

I recently found out she and her BF got married. I'm curious how that went since they both wanted completely different weddings (her: small and at-home, him: 300 guests in a venue with plenty of on-lookers). I'm also curious how they went from no-date-set (2 years engaged) to married in 3 months! But, more than anything, I don't see an end to her changes happening in the near-future.

Side-note: her sister helped him look for a ring and suggested 4 this fiend might like. He picked a completely different ring because he liked it best. She said it actually caused her physical pain since it has findings pointing out of ALL sides to hold the gems on the top AND sides of it! Geeze - I'm only new realizing how controlling he's acted!

As much as I miss her I'll keep reminding myself I can't afford the emotional drain of  defending my healing!!! 😕