healing and lessons learned

[desertpine]

It's been over 6 months since I left an awful work situation with an uNPD colleague. I'm still recovering but now that I'm out of the situation and have NC with them, I have more awareness about the ways they manipulated not only me but everyone in their life. (I'm using they/them as the pronoun for this person).  Here is some of what I've learned: 1. there is a difference between intellectually understanding someone and having empathy. Being able to logically explain why someone feels a certain way, is not empathy.  My colleague would (try to) use logic to explain emotions but they couldn't actually see things through other people's eyes. 2. There is a difference between someone being genuinely interested in you as a person and someone who is trying to gather info about you in order to figure out how best to manipulate you.  Initially my colleague seemed interested in my story, who I was as a person. It never felt quite right but I couldn't figure out what made me uneasy. There was no give and take though. It was an interrogation like a gathering of data. Once they had the data, all conversations revolved around their need for admiration. I had knee surgery and they wanted to see my MRI images for their own self-interest - they said they knew a lot of info about knees (they were the expert on anything and everything) because they had knee surgery too. They tried to advise me on how to rehab my knee - just like they did, of course. 3. Fear of abandonment or rejection. They tended to brag about how many phone calls they got from potential customers that they had to refer many of them out every day. One day they decided to cancel one of the referral sources and the numbers of calls dropped. Less than 24 hours later, they said they had to turn it back on because they were anxious about not having enough business and thus, not making enough money. 4. Social media as a source of fuel. They bragged about the number of followers they had, but became anxious/worried when the number wasn't high enough. They'd ask me regularly if I saw their postings, and took offense when I said 'no.' Later they said my decrease in social media responses to their postings was a sign I no longer liked them. That was partially true, but the reality was I cut back on the number of hours I spent on social media so I could do other things. 5. Lastly- an inability to tolerate criticism. When I told them I felt hurt or offended by their behavior or that I felt an anxious energy about them, they raged with this 'how could you think this horrible thing of me?' It made me feel crazy - I hardly thought saying they seemed anxious was a horrible or insulting thing to say, then I thought I must be really insensitive and cold. But now it is clear to me that they could not tolerate feedback that was anything less than admiration - so even using the word 'anxious' was threatening to their sense of self. EVen if I said I felt anxious when they did something, they would lash out that something must be really wrong with me.   6. Just remembered another - mixing up pronouns. They would say 'you want /don't want...' when they meant "I want/ don't want...'   The idea that what I'd want or prefer was different and valid, was threatening to them. It was another way they'd try to control things. (example - they'd say things like "you don't want that plant in that window because the room won't look balanced. And that would stress out and distract customers. You want to get a plant for that window like the one in my office. Customers all love that plant there, it makes them feel comfortable." )
So, lessens learned. And I'm grateful. I have a blindspot for folks with NPD and now I feel a little better equipped to see some signs. Hopefully next time I'll notice it quicker and run! Initially I thought my colleague was quirky - now I see these aren't quirks but red flags of someone who lacks empathy, is controlling and arrogant.