So much of my PDw’s stress is of her own doing!

[Samuel S.]

The last 5 days, I have been down with a cold, although a couple of days ago, I felt like a human being to do some errands which I had to do. In retrospect, I shouldn't have gone out, and it was a mistake. I cancelled all kinds of appointments, and everyone understood. So, I have stayed inside since, and my health hasn't improved. My PDw even did acupuncture. I say even, because she is too busy with her studies and work. Yes, she has made most of the meals, but I had bought some salads so I could eat them and frankly not to irritate anymore than she usually is.

Today, she devoted mostly to her studies and cooking for about an hour. The next four days, she works. Then, she has four days of classes. Then, next week, she has a big exam. So, she has a lot going on, and the fact that her acupuncture and her food haven't helped me, that has irritated her that much more so. So, she started making comments that intended to get under my skin, but I just listened. She made comments how although I take care of a lot of our bills, that she has taken care of Chinese New Year's money, etc. For me to react means to her that I am being defensive. So, I just let her talk. Once she was done, I thanked her for the dinner, and I went back into my room. Without her noticing, I flipped her the bird, because her comments were uncalled for.

Well, thank you for letting me vent. I just wish she would stop and that so much of the stress she is experiencing is of her own doing!

[Hikercymru]

Dear Sam
We are all ill sometimes and need a total rest. You did well to not react outwardly to your wife's trying to make you feel guilty. And inwardly?
I hope you will feel better soon.
I live on my own and when I had a bad cold, it was nice to be left in peace. But also difficult because I needed food.
It's interesting how your wife likes to point out to you how you are quite useful as a provider of money. And, if you are not coming up to fulfilling your obligations in that department she also likes to point this out. Is this an agreement between you two, that you have to earn enough money to keep the two of you going?
Take care of yourself
H

[Phantom Muse]

I am wondering if the resistance to (or inability to) taking care of another person is a hallmark of many PDs?  My unBPDso increased his raging this weekend after finding out I have to have surgery ASAP with a few months of fairly intensive follow-up.  In my experience, my PD will "shine" in a crisis if someone is watching, but he will offer little—if any—support otherwise.  I've navigated many challenges alone (illness, family deaths, etc.) without much assistance from him.  In fact, he has now taken to making a challenging time for me even worse.  That would be why I am up in the middle of the night typing this rather than sleeping! 

Of course, my PD will fuss like a small child over a minor ailment and insist that he is helpless and needs care and repeated attention.  This, of course, would be a normal expectation to some degree IF he could reciprocate.  Now...I just resent it.  It sounds like maybe you do, too, Samuel, so you gave her the finger.

If a part of (or a lot of) PD behavior stems from the need to always be the one with the power, it makes perfect sense, Samuel, that your wife would become angry over this.  She can't control something in you (illness), so that is likely unsettling for her and she reverts to attacking you in the way that she knows will negatively affect you.  In effect, if SHE can't fix it and take credit for the cure, then she will make it worse for you.

It seems to have been a very stressful patch for you, so please rest as much as you can and take good care!

[Samuel S.]

Needing to be the fixer, the controller makes a lot of sense. MyPDw wasn't in control when her D 7 1/2 passed from West Nile virus almost 20 years ago. She feels a lot of guilt, because her D really wanted to go swimming that day, and my PDw gave in and took her swimming where she was bitten by a mosquito. Then, a frightful 36 hours later, she passed.

Last night, it became even more stressful! We had plumbing issues in both bathrooms. After a couple of hours, they went away, and I think everything is okay now. However, my PDw was stressed. I wanted to help clean up the mess, but she said she wanted to take care of herself. Then, she complained she had to do it by herself so much putting me down. Then, I started crying. Then, she eased up after the plumbing issue resolved itself.

I am. Beside myself how to resolve this relationship!

[Samuel S.]

I've become increasingly aware of the fact that my PDw uses her work and her studies as shields to prevent her from being close to most people, but not her D22. Yes, she puts up her shields against me, too. In turn, it's hard for me to want to share much of anything of my days, joys, and frustrations when she is so self-absorbed. I am not cheating on her, because I am not that type of guy, nor will I ever cheat on her. Yet, she comically and half seriously said I should be with another woman.

So, bottom line, the stress she has created are her shields to prevent having much of a relationship with me. This is the exact opposite of what she claimed and practiced for the first six or seven years. It is frustrating and hurts!

[NoVoice357]

Hello Samuel,

...it's hard for me to want to share much of anything of my days, joys, and frustrations when she is so self-absorbed. I am not cheating on her, because I am not that type of guy, nor will I ever cheat on her. Yet, she comically and half seriously said I should be with another woman.

So, bottom line, the stress she has created are her shields to prevent having much of a relationship with me. This is the exact opposite of what she claimed and practiced for the first six or seven years. It is frustrating and hurts!

Have you heard about Projective Identification?

A PD repeatedly accuses her intimate partner of having an affair or tells him, he is going to leave her, although this is not true. This manipultive behaviour (gaslighting and brainwashing) is done over a period of time. PDs will influence their partners' behaviour into doing  what the PD had told them.

Partners have heard those false accusations so many times that they feel exhausted, frustrated and lose interest in their PDs. The PD is emotionally unavailable, not interested in sharing time with their partner anymore, withholds sex and so on. The partner cannot tolerate the whole stress anymore. Eventually, the partner leaves the PD or starts a new relationship.
PDs created the scenario for that to happen.

[Mary]

"So, bottom line, the stress she has created are her shields to prevent having much of a relationship with me. This is the exact opposite of what she claimed and practiced for the first six or seven years. It is frustrating and hurts!"

I can sense that you are still grieving about a relationship that is much shallower than you had hoped, thought, or expected. If you can hang in there through the stages of grief, and recognize them for what they are, I think you will find a plateau of greater stability and contentment with a shallow, yet intact relationship. As you mentioned in another post, you have found benefits to this relationship in that it pushes you to greater personal fulfillment in other areas. Continue to find joy in developing those areas rather than pining over what was or seemed to be.
Peace,
Mary

[Samuel S.]

Mary, the beginning of our relationship was quite genuine. It was not shallow at all. I was there for her 100%. She was there for me 100%. We poured our hearts out with all kinds of emotions.

So, what changed it all? She decided and supported her desire to connect with her deceased daughter via. a "medium counselor". With time, her grief was less, and her rebellious side with the support of this "medium counselor" increased. I continued being her love, her support, letting her pursue her happiness. Then, her obsessive compulsive side surfaced by focusing on outside activities to the exclusion of us. Now, if we speak for more than 5 minutes in a given day, it is a miracle and so very rare.

So, now, our relationship is shallow, and yes, I am grieving. It will be her turn to grieve our relationship after I leave either when I decide to leave or when I die. It then may happen quickly or later. Then, again, she may rationalize our whole relationship.

Meantime, I will fill my void with people and activities that fill me with at least temporary joy.

[NoVoice357]

the beginning of our relationship was quite genuine. It was not shallow at all. I was there for her 100%. She was there for me 100%. We poured our hearts out with all kinds of emotions.

May I ask how long did this period last (months, years)?

[Samuel S.]

The honeymoon, nice stage, if you will, lasted about 6 years.

[Mary]

I am so sorry this has happened. Such great loss.
Mary