I can't believe it sometimes

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Jsinjin

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I can't believe it sometimes
« on: February 19, 2019, 05:31:28 PM »
I'm in my late 40s with over 25 years of marriage and realized my spouse was ocpd last year during a breakdown (my own) and subsequent therapy.   We have three kids: girl, 18 boy-15 and girl 13.    We all realize that we live in abject fear of her.    The mess in the home can not be touched, interrupting her routine is not tolerated, rules can not be out in place for kids with expectations.   Life is one long string of perfectionist anger and we all walk on eggshells to protect ourselves.

Last week I drove my son to scouts and he was down and angry.   I asked him what was wrong and he told me "mommy is so mad at me and she told me if I don't start doing better in school I will be a failure like (my older sister)."   

His big sister recently left an appointment at the air Force academy to come home and deal with emotional issues she has.   I feel like living with their mom and our stage of anxious fear has reduced our coping skills to just hoping things won't blow up.

I have plans to move out and have been renovating a cottage we own nearby in order to move there and offer the kids a safe space.    My spouse doesn't know this is my thinking or reason and I would be petrified to share that with her because of the explosion associated with it.

I bounce back and forth between whether this is the right thing to do or not and it's hard to really know if I'm truly making the right decision.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

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user19570

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Re: I can't believe it sometimes
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2019, 08:50:58 PM »

As I read your post, it feels like one I could so easily have written, so you are not alone in this kind of situation.

We have always battled with my wife's bpd/ocpd and as you point out, our coping methods are largely based around recognizing triggers and avoiding, lots of hoping and ducking for cover. It took me noticing my self-esteem and confidence dissolve, my blood boil at more and more of the explosions over little things (the way the dishwasher was stacked, why she can't log into her ipad, etc.), and having a breakdown before my T suggested these were not coping skills, but simple survival skills. I now see it in my kids, who avoid any form of confrontation/conflict in any social situation, however mild and normal those may be.

I don't have the mental strength to face up to this anger to set and adhere to defined boundaries, nor the circular arguments that somehow always bring it back to my or the kids fault. For me this to and fro comes down to two things;
a) can I offer my kids and I a place to mentally re-group and find what is normal again, even if it breaks the family up and causes immediate pain
b) by staying and avoiding immediate family pain, can we learn that this is not normal enough to minimise the impacts on our own behaviors in the long term, with any sense of confidence

I'm finding it very hard to justify the second option for myself, after the effects on me so far...

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Crushed_Dad

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Re: I can't believe it sometimes
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2019, 08:54:41 AM »

As I read your post, it feels like one I could so easily have written, so you are not alone in this kind of situation.

We have always battled with my wife's bpd/ocpd and as you point out, our coping methods are largely based around recognizing triggers and avoiding, lots of hoping and ducking for cover. It took me noticing my self-esteem and confidence dissolve, my blood boil at more and more of the explosions over little things (the way the dishwasher was stacked, why she can't log into her ipad, etc.), and having a breakdown before my T suggested these were not coping skills, but simple survival skills. I now see it in my kids, who avoid any form of confrontation/conflict in any social situation, however mild and normal those may be.

I don't have the mental strength to face up to this anger to set and adhere to defined boundaries, nor the circular arguments that somehow always bring it back to my or the kids fault. For me this to and fro comes down to two things;
a) can I offer my kids and I a place to mentally re-group and find what is normal again, even if it breaks the family up and causes immediate pain
b) by staying and avoiding immediate family pain, can we learn that this is not normal enough to minimise the impacts on our own behaviors in the long term, with any sense of confidence

I'm finding it very hard to justify the second option for myself, after the effects on me so far...


Good luck, I understand how you feel, can't offer any solutions or remedies, but can offer some support. Cling on in there, for the kids sake if not your own.

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Jsinjin

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Re: I can't believe it sometimes
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2019, 07:00:42 PM »
It's me posting after a long break.

My family (mom and two sisters) decided for me.    They saw what was happening to my daughter and have pushed me to move out    one threatened to work to take the kids away if I didn't do something     so I'm getting ready to move out.    That's scary.    I'm fortunate that money isn't an issue,  the control my wife has is the major problem we all face.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli